Gospel Truth About Gays And Cigarettes


I’ll tell you this for free: I am sick and tired of the outrage culture. In fact, the outrage culture is probably one of my least favourite cultures — just ahead of raunch culture, but way worse than spoiler culture. And the thing that grates on me most about outrage culture is all the outrage — that’s basically the worst part of it.

Everywhere, all we seem to see is people getting outraged. We get outraged over low medal counts, sexy children, and rude internets. We get outraged that we’re all too fat, then we get outraged because someone said we’re all too fat. We get outraged that our prime minister is Kevin Rudd, then we get outraged that our prime minister is Julia Gillard. We’re impossible to please, we of the outrage culture!

And perhaps more than anything else, we get outraged at Christians. It’s very fashionable nowadays, to insult Christians, to criticise them and shout them down and stick little pins into their arms maybe if we get a chance. And sure, bashing Christians is not only easy, but fun, so really it’s understandable that we enjoy doing it so much.

But the question is, is it fair? Is it fair, for example, that our outrage culture has gotten its outrage on for Jim Wallace? I mean, let me remind you that Jim Wallace is a veteran of our armed services, which means he’s at least twice as Australian as you or me, and can probably kill you without even blinking. And yet we mock and pillory him, simply because he’s a Christian. Is that fair?

Because all Wallace said, cutting through all the shilly-shallying and hoo-ha, was that we will soon owe an apology to smokers for the demonisation they have suffered for their supposedly unhealthy habit, given that being gay is even more unhealthy, yet virtually nobody is calling for gays to be put in plain packaging, or telling anyone they’re not allowed to light gays up in restaurants. We’re remarkably tolerant of gays, Wallace noted, considering the death and destruction they bring crashing down upon our society. Is that so outrageous?

Now, OK, I will grant you the science is somewhat in dispute. There are indeed some scientists who claim that there is no absolutely conclusive evidence that homosexuality causes lung cancer, or that gays are full of tar, but can’t we at least have that debate?

Moreover, Wallace this week received that most valuable gift of all in the scientific world: independent corroboration. Archbishop Peter Jensen, venerable Anglican statesman and spiritual leader for all those people in the greater Sydney area who don’t have the balls to go full-Catholic, spoke up to reveal that his own research had revealed that being gay is, indeed, a major health hazard, but that nobody talks about it because of censorship.

Well I’m glad somebody finally said it, because if there’s one thing I’m more sick and tired of than outrage, it’s censorship. When will Australia stop censoring the truth? When will decent hard-working Christian researchers like Peter Jensen and Jim Wallace be allowed to speak their minds without Orwellian censors cracking down on them with their "disagreement"?

Well, the truth is out now: homosexuality is lethal, and a mature nation has to have a robust debate about just what to do about it. Should we ban gays? Or just means test them? What impact will this have on the resources boom? Is it ethical to throw gay people in the sea in order to stop them dying of gayness? What do gays actually do anyway? Doesn’t it hurt? And lesbians, how do they work? All good questions, but first we must answer the most crucial one: gays or cigarettes, which is the greater killer?

Thankfully, I am a trained gayologist myself, and I am able here to lay out just how gayness trumps cigarettes on the deadly-meter. I hereby present my Top Ten (10) Ways In Which Doing Gay Things Hurts More Than A Bit Of A Puff.

  1. Compared to smokers, gay people have a MUCH higher chance of being injured in a Mardi Gras float accident. Some studies suggest by a factor of over 500 per cent.
  2. Sometimes gay people get stuck inside each other, leading not only to painful injuries, but embarrassing medical explanations causing low self-esteem.
  3. Gay people who are smokers as well have a supercharged anti-health effect: cigarettes PLUS gay.
  4. Smoking carries with it an infinitesimal chance of the debilitating thigh disease known in medical circles as "Lesbichafe".
  5. Smokers are allowed to marry other smokers, which I think is important somehow. I read somewhere that it’s important. Maybe married people live longer, I don’t know. It’s probably an insurance thing.
  6. Gay people take lots and lots of drugs, because they’re cooler than us. But even though this is awesome, also sometimes it can make you sick, especially if you don’t drink enough water or if you take one of those drugs with washing powder in it. Smoking can make you sick too, but more slowly and cigarettes don’t have washing powder in them.
  7. Being gay is more addictive than smoking, according to all reputable research, and once you’re hooked, it’s incredibly hard to quit. As Freud said, "Once you ride that mule into Homo Canyon, it’s a mighty tough road to get back out".
  8. When you’re gay, you are subjected to many damaging and hurtful slurs, such as "Homo Canyon".
  9. Gay people get really really depressed a lot of the time. Statistics show that over 99 per cent of gay people are depressed for over 95 per cent of the time. Some of them don’t know they’re depressed, but they’re the most depressed ones of all. Nobody really knows why they’re depressed, although the prevailing theory is that they haven’t had the sinful nature of their lifestyle choices pointed out often enough.
  10. Homosexuality is the number one cause of Jim Wallace speaking in public, which is a society-wide health risk.

So there you go. Now can we stop being so outraged, stop vilifying caring folk like Jensen, stop verballing plain-speaking folk like Wallace by twisting his words to make it seem like he said something fairly similar to what he actually meant? Can we face the facts of the gay epidemic, and reach out to these poor diseased people and offer them some help?

Because if we fail to heed the warnings of Wallace and Jensen, those poor homosexuals may live their entire lives having no idea they’re so unhealthy, and I think we can all agree, that’s no way to live.

Launched in 2004, New Matilda is one of Australia's oldest online independent publications. It's focus is on investigative journalism and analysis, with occasional smart arsery thrown in for reasons of sanity. New Matilda is owned and edited by Walkley Award and Human Rights Award winning journalist Chris Graham.