Why Won't She Let Us Eat Cake?


When you are young, you have certain ideas about your country. You believe in things like democracy, like progress, like hope for the future. Most of all, you believe that those elected to represent us are committed to serving the country to the best of their ability and are not to any noticeable extent a pack of absconded mental patients who seem likely at any moment to take off their clothes and set fire to the building.

Of course, as you get older you become less idealistic. You realise that democracy doesn’t always work perfectly, that progress is slow and frustrating, that hope for the future is stupid and pointless. And you learn that members of parliament are just as prone to ego, greed, avarice, hysteria and homicidal mania as the rest of us. 

But nevertheless you do retain some sort of faith in humanity, in the rule of law and the mechanisms of democratic government. You keep burning in your heart the idea that all is not lost.

Unfortunately, all is, in fact, lost.

If we weren’t aware of this before, it was brought home to us with chilling clarity yesterday by Liberal Senator Mary Jo Fisher. As she combined a full-body twitch with a severe mental health episode in full view of the nation, we realised that finally, Australian history had reached its lowest point, and our future was beyond retrieval.

How did we come to this? What caused our political landscape to become so ravaged by the landmines of partisanship and the dead Nazis of insanity? The words "crime against humanity" are bandied about too liberally these days, but in the case of Fisher’s horrific parliamentary spasm, what other words are there? What reduced a once-proud country, and a once-human woman, to this state?

Well, there are many possible suspects. Is it because the prime minister is a pathological liar who wants to ruin our lives?

Oh, look, turns out there’s only one suspect.

I’m not really having a go at her for lying, though. The Australian public always understand lying when there’s a good reason for it, like you want to win an election. Like when Howard lied about children overboard, but he had a good reason: he wanted to demonise people of other races. Fair enough. We understand that if Gillard hadn’t lied, we wouldn’t have voted for her, so her hands were tied. It’s not her fault. It’s our fault for listening to her. Won’t make that mistake again.

The real issue, of course, is the carbon tax, and whether it’s a blackhearted attempt to destroy our prosperity and anchor us to a sinister one world socialist government, or on the other hand, whether it is a savage strike at all the freedoms we hold most dear. Nobody can determine exactly what it is yet, mainly because the prime minister refuses to release any detail of the plan for fear of revealing too early just how much she hates Australia. She’s like the murderer who, lacking the guts to shoot you in the face in a manly fashion, creeps through your window at night and stabs you in your sleep. Hence her long-standing nickname, "Night-Stalker Gillard".

But look, this is not the time for hyperbole. This is a time for calm assessment of the issues facing us, for a rational look at the government decisions that will murder us in our bed, and a dispassionate consideration of which fascist dictator Gillard most closely resembles.

Just what is a carbon tax, exactly? Essentially it is a tax on life itself. Look it up! Life on earth is carbon-based. Know what that means? It means the government wants to tax the essential constituent elements of your actual body.

Think about it. If you grant your government the power to tax carbon, it is but a hop, skip and jump to allowing them to tax oxygen, or haemoglobin, or lymph. Is that what we want? A great big new tax on lymph? That’s what Gillard wants for us. Is it any wonder Senator Fisher’s brain melted into a sickening puddle of gelatinous phlegm at the thought?

It gets worse. Nationals MP Mark Coulton yesterday stood outside parliament waving the ingredients of a cake. That would be bad enough, but he was actually making a point: under the carbon tax, all cake ingredients will be more expensive. Eggs, for example. The only thing not more expensive, said Coulton, will be candles, because they came come China. And so every birthday we have from 2012 on will be not only overpriced, but communist. Is that what you want for your birthday? Julia Gillard does.

Coulton was then joined by Kevin Andrews. Again, bad enough, but Andrews exacerbated the outrage by producing a loaf of bread, much as Jesus did when he had to feed 5000 people and couldn’t because the Romans’ carbon tax had made everything too expensive. This was the major cause of Spartacus. Maybe Julia can think about that for a moment. "How much more will it cost to pack the children’s sandwiches for lunch?" Andrews asked. The answer is "a lot". In fact we will have to hire people to pack the children’s sandwiches for us, because we will be too weak from hunger to do it ourselves, having been prevented from eating anything by the high price of food under a carbon tax.

It seems plain cruel for a government to force people who can’t afford food to take on domestic help, but that’s Labor for you. They’ll probably make us hire asylum seekers or dole bludgers or convicts, which is a bit rich given how much money they get anyway for free just for being lazy and immoral. Do you want your children’s lunches assembled by sex offenders? Julia Gillard does.

But let us put aside for a moment the costs. What good does a carbon tax do? Well, the purpose of the carbon tax is supposedly to "address climate change". Can this stand up to scrutiny? I am afraid not. There are a few points to be made here:

1. Climate change is not real. There is absolutely no evidence for climate change, despite the world’s best tabloid opinion columnists having searched intently for it for many years. Ask Piers Akerman whether climate change is real. He’ll tell you. Ask as loudly as possible so you don’t have to get within arm’s length of him, but you will find the answer illuminating. The only reason anyone believes in climate change is because some scientists sent some emails to each other or something and also because of Tim Flannery. Do we want our future sabotaged by Tim Flannery, who is actually a palaeontologist and not a climatarian at all? Julia Gillard does.

2. Climate change, if real, is actually good. Do you like being cold? Duh.

3. Climate change, if not good, is China and India’s fault, and who are we to tell them to stop doing climate change? If they stop doing climate change their people will STARVE! But of course, as established, Julia Gillard is all about starvation.

And so, before this catastrophe is visited upon us, there are a few questions Julia (or, as Alan Jones, the Truth-Speaking Unicorn of Australian media, Ben-Eltonishly dubbed her, "Ju-Liar" hahahahahahahahahaha) Gillard has to answer:

Firstly, why does she hate cakes?

Secondly, if she had children would she want to leave their nutrition in the hands of terrorists?

Thirdly, why doesn’t she have children?

Fourthly, is she indeed in a "Time Warp" and a "hokey pokey", and does she think her government’s focus on dancing is detracting from affairs of state?

Fifthly, why do you think climate change is real when it’s totally not?

Sixthly, why doesn’t Tim Flannery ever talk about dinosaurs, which is his actual job?

Seventhly, isn’t it better to be warm than to be cold?

Eighthly, has Piers Akerman been consulted before formulating this climate policy, and if not why not?

Ninthly, isn’t it true that Bob Brown is the real prime minister and you’re just his moll?

Once she’s answered those questions we can get on with the business of abusing her with all the facts at her fingertips.

If she refuses to answer them, though … if she dodges and deviates … if she obscures and obfuscates … if she evades and filibusters … if she puts her left foot in and shakes it all about …

Well in that case she will prove her enemies right, and she will stand exposed as not only, in the words of Sophie "The Velvet Roach Motel" Mirabella, "as deluded as Gaddafi", but as arrogant as Ceaucescu, as power-mad as Suharto, and as likely to keep severed heads in her freezer as Idi Amin. Is that what you want from a leader? Julia Gillard does.

Mary Jo Fisher was a warning. If Gillard continues on her mad path to carbon fascism, we’ll see more and more senators collapsing under the weight of their dementia in public fora. We’ll see more and more eggs waved in the air. We’ll see more and more of Sophie Mirabella.

And that’s a price this country simply cannot afford to pay.


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