The Down To Earth Starguide For Sceptics And Cynics


Horoscopes for the week of 21 June, 2010

This is my last column ever… or at least until I suckerfish my way onto another unsuspecting independent media startup. It’s been fabulous to be a part of NM, a wonderful neighbourhood of voices where I have been happily squatting for five years, feeding on the scraps of fine analysis.

What better week than this for a dramatic outro. The cardinal t-square comes together and presses everyone’s GO button, ready or not. Saturday’s lunar eclipse (partial, and visible from Australia) will slam some doors in your face and open many more. If you’ve been feeling blindsided by a series of life-altering events, hang in there — we’re about to go warp speed. This week will force everyone’s hand, and that means election dates!

If you’re paralysed by anxiety due to this week’s eclipse, bear in mind that it’s necessary to grit your teeth against some of life’s more drastic insecurities in order to get to the interesting stuff. No-one ever found treasure in a panic room, except maybe post-apocalyptic raiders.

Obama has oil on his face. Enough staring at your reflection; time to do some elaborate fingerpointing before you rush to apply the mud masque (as if he doesn’t). This week is proof there are no solutions, only different kinds of problems and an infinite variety of distractions.

I’m calling it: Kevin Rudd will be sending out his save-the-date cards this week. Despite serious relationship issues, we will probably commit by the time the election rolls around — but only out of fear of dating. If you want more than this shotgun fling, learn to communicate already.

For Librans, this t-square represents a crossroads. Actually it’s more of a red light that you didn’t see in time and now have to drive through, narrowly missing several pedestrians, skidding under a passing semi-trailer, and leaving a smoking pile-up in your wake. Not a scratch on you.

You are used to being the woman or man of action, the initiative taker, the top — but this week you’ll be caught unawares by the cardinal t-square. Don’t worry, it’s not a religious figure with a mathematical instrument, but I know the dream you are talking about. Tony Abbott will share.

Keneally feels the backlash as NSW turns on another corrupt and inept government. Don’t be scared, Sagittarius. When corrupt and inept is their only option, the people want someone who is going to do it thoroughly. Hide your investments and keep a fire extinguisher close to your hair at all times.

Capricorn Jenny Macklin is going to have to work hard this election not to end up like most women in politics in this country: with her severed head staked on a pole outside parliament. If the mantribe is giving you the crawlies, this is an excellent week to discover an interest in voodoo.

Hear that clunk-hum? It’s the machine powering up. You need to make a snap decision, and it’s a choice between electrodes and seatbelts. Either way will be an improvement on the last 18 months of feeling like a crash test dummy. Say goodbye to inertia.

For Pisces Rupert Murdoch, the demise of independent media outlets is like stepping on ants; he wouldn’t feel bad about it even if he noticed. This week, as you wash your hands, pause to observe a minute’s silence for the death of your responsibilities.

Though I would barely reach his ribcage, I can’t help but take a final swipe at Peter Garrett. This is a week of great expectations and dramatic career trajectories. I’m thinking insulate the whales, then ship the toxic waste to their breeding grounds. Then run like hell.

Taurean BP boss Tony Hayward is a bit over the oil spill and says he wants his life back. So do the 11 people who lost theirs when the rig exploded, and I’m guessing none of them had yachts. Taurus, you better learn to be modest, because there are plenty more holes in the sea.

Today’s solstice marks the lifting of a pressure which has been consistent, and a reliable test of your endurance. Now you decide to test the theory that if you pass the ball, someone else will kick it somewhere good. You must be playing for Australia.

Launched in 2004, New Matilda is one of Australia's oldest online independent publications. It's focus is on investigative journalism and analysis, with occasional smart arsery thrown in for reasons of sanity. New Matilda is owned and edited by Walkley Award and Human Rights Award winning journalist Chris Graham.