The Down To Earth Starguide For Sceptics And Cynics


Like the Socceroos, you’re too old for this job but still too young for the pasture. Maybe this week you’ll be offered a new career bouncing a ball off your head in a breakfast cereal commercial. Don’t settle for anything less than your destiny; the Solstice will soon sort you out with some much-needed optimism.

Wayne Swan says the ALP is 100 per cent behind Rudd; Cancerians are 100 per cent loyal. Of course it has nothing to do with avoiding the responsibilities of leadership. This week your influence is growing, so be prepared to step up, even if you are only stepping further up the (ahem) coat-tails.

Leo George Soros reckons the GFC is due for a comeback, saying: "The crisis is far from over. Indeed we have just entered act two of the drama." What is this, Shakespearean tragedy? Look out for the fatal flaw in the system that will cause it all to head shitwards.

Ousted Kiwi MP and Virgo Shane Jones has apologised for buying porn with taxpayers money, saying "I am a pretty open kind of guy. I am fairly robust. I made a mistake." This week a lot of weird stuff gets thrown at you from odd angles. Let’s see how open and robust you really are.

Libran Watson-wannabe Abby Sunderland isn’t lost at sea, but will soon be slung with megadebt from the costs of her rescue. Oh for crying out loud, could you please have a quiet personal disaster? This week’s Venus trine has you sailing in much calmer waters, maybe back in the little kids’ pool.

Scorpio Hillary Clinton received an anti-serenade from Hugo Chavez the other day. The latter thought to use his position in front of a microphone to improvise some rhymes about their mutual dislike. Even people who think you suck are willing to sing for you. This week you get all kinds of feedback.

Sagittarian Tim Cahill was upset that he was red carded, but even he must admit that Australia has about as much chance of surviving in the World Cup as a baby pelican has in the Gulf of Mexico. The trick is learning to gracefully accept an unwinnable situation. That means don’t punch the ref.

Pluto’s trine with Mars will have you finding more allies in unexpected places. This is a week for cultivating the social strategies which are still getting you through the cut-throat status game of life. Capricorns invented the frenemy (and probably the hybrid neologism, you bastards).

It’s Aquarius by a whisker this week. Mark Rutte is set to inherit a hung Dutch parliament; you get just enough momentum to tip the balance, but not necessarily in your favour. If you are in a car which is teetering over a precipice, lean back, then yell ‘cut’ and hope for the best.

Sometimes it seems the planet is on a collision course with doom. Before you run after John Cusack with the Mayan calendar stuffed in the front pocket of your utility vest, have you considered that this paranoid obsession with the apocalypse is just a way of dealing with your own mortality? Okay, now go get him, we need help pronto.

Is BP going slowly bankrupt as the half-capped hole in the Gulf burbles away, or could this become part of a global strategy to lift oil prices? You’ve got to turn a difficult situation to your advantage this week, perhaps by learning to run cars on the stomach acid of your financial backers.

There is excellent fortune in your domestic/romantic axis this week which will nicely complement a sudden bout of agoraphobia brought on by news that a charity fun run will be going right past your front door with Tony Abbott in it. Grab your partner and a week’s worth of non-perishable goods and head for the storm cellar.

Launched in 2004, New Matilda is one of Australia's oldest online independent publications. It's focus is on investigative journalism and analysis, with occasional smart arsery thrown in for reasons of sanity. New Matilda is owned and edited by Walkley Award and Human Rights Award winning journalist Chris Graham.