The Down To Earth Starguide For Sceptics And Cynics


Horoscopes for the week of 31 May, 2010

Just like Gemini Lena, this week you will be presented with a surprising trophy that could be a reward or career death. If you’re not sure you have the depth of experience to deserve it, you could always hock it on ebay and spend the cash on some character-building crack.

Cancerian Alvaro Uribe, the conservative President of Colombia, will be on his way out in a few days, but this week any career downsizing will have a big upside. Think of how much more time you will have to spend rolling in cash with your drug lord buddies.

With oil still spouting from the gulf, Leos are desperate to plug an expensive hole. Water is working against you, so avoid diving too deep into the murky past and just make a break for it — there’s bound to be an oil-rich nation somewhere that still has bridges to burn.

Prince Harry named King of Cool by a magazine; Harry Kewell set to play up front with the Socceroos. A great week for Virgos named Harry. The rest of you will be considering a name change. Do so in the manner of a knight, because you have just slain some pretty impressive dragons.

For Libran David Cameron, the honeymoon is over, but with the end of innocence comes the smarts to deal with whatever life throws at you. This week you get a stronger marriage and a sense of having fully grown out of an old self.

Happy Quit Facebook Day, Scorpio readers. If you can figure out how to delete your profile, you’ll find extra hours in your day which you can spend in gleeful physical encounters. This column will soon cease to exist, so there’s one dependency licked.

Puppet rumours have to stop, says Sagittarius Kristina Keneally: "That is just an utterly ridiculous claim that somehow I as Premier am not making the decisions." You would be taking a stance for independence right now, if you could only find your own legs and get off this ridiculous forum.

Your new ipad is covered in the blood of Chinese factory workers! Your horoscope column is covered in the blood of independent media! This week your major life challenge is how to hold yourself accountable for your everyday moral choices! Start by using more exclamation marks!

Mars is still wreaking havoc with your moods but Jupiter is about to switch on your communication power, so if you can just swallow the tears for long enough to get a sentence out, it will be poetry. The rest of this year brings a blossoming of Aquarian eloquence.

After a quiet chat with Ban Ki Moon, Pisces president Mutharika of Malawi has pardoned a gay couple who were sentenced to 14 years imprisonment for their love. This week a chance encounter changes the way you look at the world, at least when important people are watching.

It has been a confusing few months identity-wise, with so many roads in the woods to choose from. This week Arians are due for a major turning point where someone finally recognises you for your specific genius. Unless of course you are a genius of disguise.

On the passing of Easy Rider Dennis Hopper, I note that the Taurean has left no less than five ex-wives behind. A warning: your expenses are beginning to pile up as the planet of abundance moves into your house of divorce. Think about severing old ties before the lawyers arrive.

Launched in 2004, New Matilda is one of Australia's oldest online independent publications. It's focus is on investigative journalism and analysis, with occasional smart arsery thrown in for reasons of sanity. New Matilda is owned and edited by Walkley Award and Human Rights Award winning journalist Chris Graham.