The Down To Earth Starguide For Sceptics And Cynics


Jessica Watson turns 17 tomorrow, and although she may soon cease to be interesting to the media, she is a good example of the kind of gumption you will need to get through this week of rough seas. Spouting islands are probably friendly whales, but look out for islands with teeth. Those are current affairs shows.

Happy IDAHO, Gemini. Today is international day against homophobia and transphobia (yeah, it spells IDAHAT. Blame the Americans). This week, Venus manages to grope almost every other planet on her way out of your sign, so be prepared for some confronting and inclusive encounters.

With the planet of charm dancing her way into your sign you will be making some time for romance. Any love potions you concoct will be particularly powerful but with a higher than average risk of chemistry accidents, steer clear of meth labs and the Great Barrier Reef.

Leo Barack Obama was recently stopped in a restaurant by a middle-aged woman who told him he was "a hottie with a smokin’ little body". While it might not be a stranger who delivers, this week you too will get a surprise compliment which will put you off your dinner.

Kevin Rudd apparently had a tantrum on the 7:30 Report last week which was so teeny and peevish that no-one noticed it except one or two desperately bored journalists. God, Virgo, passive-aggressive much? This week, if you can’t spit it out, you need to swallow it.

Libran Naomi Watts has the unenviable job of playing Marilyn Monroe in an upcoming film. You wouldn’t be in this mess if you didn’t overestimate yourself, but you wouldn’t be a Libran if you didn’t constantly rise to the challenge. Just don’t let Elton anywhere near you.

Scorpios have been feeling less than satisfied lately; this week you will stop blaming your sex life and start blaming everything else. However, you have so much trouble articulating your issues that the significant other is just getting a continuous non-specific seethe.

Sagittarians have been feeling confused about where you belong lately, and this week is no exception. Instead of undertaking extensive and boring genealogical research, why not just invent a backstory for yourself and roll with it? Ethics schmethics.

Capricorn Belinda Neal is the latest public figure to get into trouble for twittiocy, and you could be forgiven for resorting to the text equivalent of a vow of silence. There will come a time (around Thursday afternoon) when your jokes will cease to bite you. They still won’t be particularly funny though.

Germaine Greer is in town, giving good Aquarian rant. Your social conscience is so on fire, people keep running at you with blankets. Diplomacy is not an Aquarian gift, but if you try, you will find you can deflect people gracefully with a giant lint wand.

A tricky Venus square is messing with your sense of synchronicity, and you will soon learn that humility and forbearance will only get you so far; sometimes you have to fall back on duplicity and your parents. If you can’t borrow what you need, steal it.

Aries Peter Garrett has been promoted to Minister for Fruit Bats, and agreed to kick them out of Sydney’s botanical gardens. Since fruit bats cannot write letters of complaint or native title claims, they will use direct action and let me just say: you will wish you had hair.

Launched in 2004, New Matilda is one of Australia's oldest online independent publications. It's focus is on investigative journalism and analysis, with occasional smart arsery thrown in for reasons of sanity. New Matilda is owned and edited by Walkley Award and Human Rights Award winning journalist Chris Graham.