The Down To Earth Starguide For Sceptics And Cynics


Horoscopes for the week of 10 May, 2010

Tuesday marks 50 years since the first contraceptive pill came on the market, which is one Taurean birthday worth celebrating. Late this week you might have the kind of breakthrough which revolutionises absolutely everything, but probably you will just invent a new kind of clothespeg.

This accident-prone Mercury retrograde is almost over and it is time to have a little talk show moment with yourself. Turn to camera and ask, "what have we learned?" Don’t trust BP with an oil spill, for one. You’re back online but your social seas are only getting slicker.

Cancerian Wayne Swan promises "no spendathon" when the budget is released on Tuesday. Your relationship challenge is to prove that life without you would be a disaster, without actually manifesting a disaster that you can stand in and say "see?".

Leo Abhisit Vejjajiva has tried to make peace with protesters by offering them an election in November. This week you’ll come up with a brilliant plan to retain power while managing the daily molotov-deflection of politics. O to be a Thai fencing contractor.

Iceland is still spewing ash into European airspace and now the M5 has an embarrassing gash in it. This Mercury retrograde is really messing with transportation. If you’re still stuck in traffic and/or airports, take some time out to go for a walk and smell the roses and/or high-octane fuel.

Balance isn’t always a good thing; take a look at British democracy. Sometimes somebody has to lose in order to prevent an outcome in which everyone loses. You spend all week figuring out how it doesn’t have to be you. Martyrdom is like so five centuries ago.

I don’t know much about the new Scorpio President of Nigeria, but with a name like Goodluck Jonathan, how can he be wrong? This week Scorpios embrace the power of re-naming things in an attempt to better them. If the kids object, they can go to their Chambers of Impeccable Cleanliness.

Don’t worry if you’ve done a Deveny, because a new employment opportunity is coming up this week. As you scurry across the last non-burning bridge of your career, crocodiles in tuxedos snapping at your heels, you’ll even find an appreciation for the glorious absurdity of it all.

Elvis Presley’s doctor has revealed that the King died of constipation complications. I pass on this opportunity to make cliched remarks about Capricorns; this week your psychic motions will be well and truly regular. The bad news is that it was never your heart.

There’s an opportunity in your home or family life this week which will surprise you, mainly because you are used to being the only person who is switched on to the big-picture spiritual-quest type stuff, and now everyone is catching on. Try not to have a tantrum.

As you watch the talks between Tories and Lib-Dems, you wonder at what point does "constructive and amicable" become "web of lies"? A new moon in your communications sector Saturday separates the golden hue of true promises from the radioactive glow of bullshit.

Aries should feel less thwarted by tomorrow but even without the constant sabotage there is a lot of pressure to finish your project on time and in spectacular style. By the weekend you will come up with another fresh packaging idea, but still no final product. Delegate, and fast.

Launched in 2004, New Matilda is one of Australia's oldest online independent publications. It's focus is on investigative journalism and analysis, with occasional smart arsery thrown in for reasons of sanity. New Matilda is owned and edited by Walkley Award and Human Rights Award winning journalist Chris Graham.