The Down To Earth Starguide For Sceptics And Cynics


Horoscopes for the week of 3 May, 2010

Desperate, British Labour has wheeled out Taurus Tony Blair to help with the campaign. Just because people recognise something, doesn’t mean they will like it. This week be careful of image managers, portraitists, journalists and biographers, for they are the four horsemen of the career apocalypse.

The weather balloon that crashed near Alice Springs airport last week is a powerful reminder not to launch expensive experiments during a mercury retrograde. Your ideas should be grounded for another eight days, after which, set your sights sky-high. For now, it’s all about tyre-kicking and a bit of spit and polish on the chrome.

Your social energy is in demand but there is a danger of conflict escalating this week, so tread very carefully lest you cause offence to sensitive types. Of course, if you are surrounded by idiots with terrible opinions, feel free to pick a fight with them.

Joe Hockey is worried a tax on mining companies will "take money off the golden goose" which shows that Leos, although perfectly trustworthy with the purse strings, should not be left in charge of the cliché. This week your linguistic slips could cost you a position of some power.

As Rudd embraces another lucrative cigarette tax, non-smokers are urged to take up the habit lest the health system collapse entirely. Virgo, your offer will not be received in the way you intend. You could start by banning the fancy labels on your own box of tricks.

David Cameron will be PM of the UK by the end of this week, unless … Libra, all you have to do to succeed is persist with calm confidence, and avoid having any tabloid-prone skeletons in your closet; this last should be easy, since you are made of interlocking hollow plastic parts.

There are some big changes afoot globally in the next month, but for the moment Scorpios seem to be the only ones worrying up a sweat. Trust your instincts about this, and act now. Your impulsiveness will piss a few people off, but they will get over it.

Looking ahead and to the future is the natural way of the Archer, but right now you need to keep your attention firmly on the moment. You don’t have to put yourself through some tiresome and expensive Buddhist workshop; just deprive yourself of sleep, it’s much quicker.

The surprise at Nick Clegg’s slice of the UK election pie will be tempered somewhat by the knowledge he is a Capricorn. Your steadfast ambition gets you to high places, but your earnestness and dedication to being on message will only get you a room full of yawns.

Aquarians are set to rewire their house, but not literally — save the pliers until after the Mercury retrograde, please. Actually, turf any sharp objects into the dangerous goods cabinet. The week holds a few arguments with loved ones which will bring necessary changes, but blood can be avoided.

Piscean Gordon Brown, need I say more? Bigotgate has proved that the soon-to-be-former leader is scraping the bottom of the electioneering barrel. When it’s sink or swim, you fish have a certain advantage. Time for a retreat to the murky waters of your former obscurity.

News reports say one in 100 Australians was homeless last year. Nationally, personal debt is over one trillion dollars. Aries are in some financial strife this week, so I’m just reminding you that you are not alone. There is a potential benefactor on the horizon so don’t forget the kneepads.

Launched in 2004, New Matilda is one of Australia's oldest online independent publications. It's focus is on investigative journalism and analysis, with occasional smart arsery thrown in for reasons of sanity. New Matilda is owned and edited by Walkley Award and Human Rights Award winning journalist Chris Graham.