The Down To Earth Starguide For Sceptics And Cynics


Horoscopes for the week of April 26, 2010

It’s now 20 years since Hubble launched. The Taurean telescope got off to a shaky start but is proving its worth. This week your relationships get a lesson in perspective and the fullness of time. On the other hand, it’s also the anniversary of the Chernobyl disaster.

New research from Cell Biology journal says that sleeping helps you solve problems. Harvard scientists say dreams bring something essential to learning. Teenagers applaud. Your job satisfaction is at its peak, but timetable some strategic naps before you forget the way out of the maze.

Do you think the people who threw petrol bombs at a house in Toorak on the weekend were class warriors raging against social inequality, or some rich kids pretending to be class warriors? Does it matter who’s a fake? This week you work on your relationship with spectacle and speculation. And insurance.

I know Obama is trying to hide from immigration law reform, but did he have to arrange an assassination attempt? This week there are so many confused signals that your failures to act will either get lost or blow all out of proportion. Clean up small messes as soon as they occur.

You have an important life choice to make right now. I know you want to draw up a list of pros and cons, maybe a spreadsheet, and come to a rational decision, but I bought Karma Kubes in an op shop for one dollar yesterday, and they say "Romance possible". You may roll again.

Libran David Cameron is looking good in the UK elections, and not just because he’s airbrushed. It’s the rising power of the Cleggalition giving him that extra puff. Right now, you are your networks, so while you’re recharging yourself, don’t go unplugging any of those cables.

Despite the apparent logic to sending young dole bludgers down t’mines, Abbott’s plans haven’t been popular. I suspect that like many Scorpios, he missed Compassion Day when they were handing out the human qualities. Lucky you swindled a double helping of Faking It.

As a major project heaves to a close midweek you will find you have more time for yourself, but it’s been so long it might be awkward. Will you know what to say to yourself? Don’t frighten yourself away, but there’s no point waiting for the other person to make the first move.

Capricorn Stephen Hawking has suggested that aliens might not be so friendly, and look what happened to the Native Americans when Columbus showed up. You don’t need genius to hold your ground this week, just a combination of business sense, craftiness, and guerrilla warfare.

With the Full Moon in your ambition sector you are rewarded for aiming high this week. If the challenges have been getting a little cruisy, now’s the time to set yourself something you know is impossible. That way, you still get to be disappointed when you achieve it.

Saturn’s still operating on you, and I use that term because it feels exactly like some overpaid loon is poking a cold steel implement around in your innards while you’re half-dazed from anaesthetic. Whatever the hell is going on, at least you’re getting a good buzz out of it.

Pope Benedict is under pressure to resign, which begs the question, can you renege on your contract with God? An Aries’ deity is a bit like the phone company — always calls when you’re having dinner, but never answers when you need help — and will certainly slap you with a hefty exit fee. Start scheming.

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Launched in 2004, New Matilda is one of Australia's oldest online independent publications. It's focus is on investigative journalism and analysis, with occasional smart arsery thrown in for reasons of sanity. New Matilda is owned and edited by Walkley Award and Human Rights Award winning journalist Chris Graham.