The Down To Earth Starguide For Sceptics And Cynics


Horoscopes for the week of April 19, 2010

John Brumby is being typically Taurean about the health takeover and holding his position. If you were a school camp activity, you’d be tug-o’-war. If that activity was your week, some cheeky kid would be sitting in the middle filing away at the rope.

As all Europe panics over the inconvenience of not being able to fly, and all media struggles for a way to avoid pronouncing that volcano, Geminis are reminded to appreciate the offer of some necessary downtime. This may increase in difficulty depending on the persons with whom you happen to be stranded.

Cancer Wayne Swan has declared this election year will be one of "strict fiscal discipline," but by midweek something (states, children, etc) will be tugging at the heart strings to get to the purse strings and the budget won’t survive your attack of generosity.

Rather than daydreaming about what you’d like to do, this week Leos look squarely at what you are capable of achieving. This will require a little more self-reliance than usual as the planets are set to make any collaborations fraught with pointless tantrums.

The PM counts his staff turnover in dog years now, claiming that a year as a political staffer is worth seven years of normal life. Making dents in space-time just to get your way is running with scissors, Virgo. This week your attempts at humour will come back to bite you.

Venus is still promoting intimacy but your relationships are starting to fray, so you’re not going to be as popular as you think you deserve. At the risk of sounding like I am downsizing you, this little disruption might be just what you need to get motivated for your next challenge.

This is not a good week for workplace scheming as rumour and misinformation will backfire. If like Tony Abbott you are feeling left out of the healthcare debate, you could try running around the block, but there is a high chance those cameras will be suffering from lycra fatigue.

Sagittarian Kristina Keneally is holding on tight until someone shows her the money, which is exactly how she was trained in NSW Premier school. This week your instincts are revealed as Pavlovian habits — comforting for you, not terribly useful for those bleeding in Emergency.

Capricorn Mike Rann will probably go along with the health system shake-up; he thinks his job is safe. However, thwarted ambition is on the cards for you this week. Pay no attention to the three old ladies muttering about how you could be Premier of Cawdor.

The Mercury retrograde is not just causing havoc in the transport system, it’s mucking things up at home. This is a week of phone company limbo and customer service straight out of Kafka. You are urged to drop the standard Aquarian paranoia if you can.

Pisces George Washington owes $324,000 in library fines for unreturned books. Sometimes your visionary status makes you forget the practical details of everyday life and act like a brat. This week look out for gentle reminders of your need for other people, and be nice to them.

Aries are sailing in troubled waters this week, but lucky for you the re-opening of the Curtin detention centre will give you somewhere to ship your leaky personage. I Can’t Believe It’s Not The Pacific Solution just got even less credible.

Launched in 2004, New Matilda is one of Australia's oldest online independent publications. It's focus is on investigative journalism and analysis, with occasional smart arsery thrown in for reasons of sanity. New Matilda is owned and edited by Walkley Award and Human Rights Award winning journalist Chris Graham.