What Happens In The Oval Office…


A hidden microphone captured Democrats Barack OBAMA, Joseph BIDEN, Nancy PELOSI, Hillary CLINTON and Howard DEAN in private discussion immediately after the health care bill’s passage this week. This transcript was leaked by the Republican Party which has guaranteed its total accuracy. 

OBAMA: (Wearily leaning against door.) I can’t believe it.

CLINTON: (Straight face.) This was the most significant achievement since the Civil Rights Act. As Bill always says, you’d still be serving him coffee without that constitutional tweak, Barry!

DEAN: (Straighter face.) I just wish the liberal lion could be here to see this. Teddy, this is for … (Pause.) Sorry. I just can’t hold it in. (All burst out laughing.)

BIDEN: F**k, will those gullible pricks believe anything?

PELOSI: (Tears of laughter.) Let’s give trailer-trash scum free healthcare, so they can live even longer and "vote" for their "party" for the rest of their useless, artificially augmented lives!

DEAN: Who gives a shit if a few million fat schmucks keel over? They’re all GOP voters anyway! (Cheers.)

OBAMA: Listen. This is serious. We cannot — cannot — let this opportunity go to waste.

CLINTON: You’re right. We must —

OBAMA: — implement our Socio-Bolsho-Commie agenda IMMEDIATELY. What other policies are utterly hostile to mainstream America?

PELOSI: Compulsory sex for minors?

DEAN: Weekly gun-confiscation drives?

CLINTON: Communal frottage booths on public transport?

OBAMA: I was thinking of more … cultural change. How about more gays doing it in prime-time?

BIDEN: (Delighted.) Even on … 24?

OBAMA: Especially on 24! Picture it: Kiefer finally nabs terrorist kingpin, grabs his shoulder, spins him around and —

CLINTON: — slips the tongue in! Now that’ll stick it right up the silent majority!

OBAMA: (Sniggers.) Damn straight. Those tobacco-chewin’ Fox-listenin’ Reaganite flyover-state turds, with their f**king pickup trucks and their f**king religion and their f**king confederate flags and their f**king Celine Dion albums —

PELOSI: It’s utterly inconvenient that democracy represents the people rather than my own threateningly post-menopausal, authoritarian feminist agenda. Thank God we’ve finally managed to steal people’s basic freedoms via this diabolically clever "healthcare reform" ruse! (All laugh.)

BIDEN: Remember what we said about the G-word, Nancy? Do you see God in this room?

PELOSI: Sorry, I must have been temporarily suffering from a proletarian delusion! Oh — and shouldn’t we get that trust-y God-y love-y shit off the currency while we’re hijacking democracy?

DEAN: (Screams.) CENTRALISED STATE POWER RULES! (Comes to senses.) Sorry. It just does.

BIDEN: Barry, remember when we frantically concocted this fraudulent legislation on the back of a boutique beer coaster five short minutes before ramming it down hardworking Americans’ throats?

OBAMA: (Avuncular.) Yes, yes, yes. Of course. Well?

BIDEN: (Shyly.) Well, you told me that I could be on one of the death panels.

CLINTON: Damn it, Baz — share the love. We’d all enjoy helping hicks pop their clogs!

DEAN: I was so looking forward to unconstitutionally turning brave, freedom-loving descendents of Jefferson into scared, helpless schoolgirls. Can’t we all be on death panels?

OBAMA: (Kindly.) There’ll be plenty of death panels to go around. No need for anyone to fret. Now tell me, how should we run the panels, Joe?

BIDEN: It’ll be sorta like American Idol. You know how that guy goes, "Oh, that was wonderful, that was beautiful singing and dancing but … you didn’t make it because you’re ugly!" Sorta like that. When everyone else is like, "We’ll save your life because you really deserve it, Lady!", I’ll be the guy who’s like, "Yeah, you look vulnerable, so you deserve … death!" (All laugh.)

PELOSI: (Casually striking match on George Washington’s portrait, using this to light a $100 bill, using this to ignite massive Cuban cigar, using this to light the Constitution, and using this to light the original copy of the Declaration of Independence soaked in the blood of patriots.) Oh f**k, that would be f**king wonderfully funny. (Puffs luxuriantly, pondering smouldering bill in ashtray.)

OBAMA: (Frantic with excitement.) The look in a sick old woman’s eyes when she realises that she’s fighting for her life in a kangaroo court? Priceless. That’s why I ran for Dictator.

DEAN: So all that Guantanamo stuff was —

OBAMA: — bullshit, naturally. (Appalled.) Jesus Christ, Howard! Whaddaya take me for? Anyway, we’re going to keep Gitmo open — we’re just gonna release the terrorists and give them white people’s jobs. We’ll restock it with decent, law-abiding citizens with names like "Bob" and "Sally" and "Jeff" and "Mary". (Sneers.) I’ll give the jobs of those lazy white bastards to Ahmeds and Mohammeds. I’ll personally make sure that Miss America 2010 wears the hijab. Jesus, I love stoking resentment!

ALL: God damn America!

(A rumble issues from the closet.)

CLINTON: What’s that noise?

PELOSI: Don’t open it, Howard. (Too late. The closet holds a bound, gagged John McCAIN.)

DEAN: Oh … my … God!

CLINTON: It was too risky, Howard.

OBAMA: (Sinister.) Can’t trust mavericks, can we? Too many … ideas. We prefer groupthink. Just to be … safe.

CLINTON: Remember: security always trumps liberty!

DEAN: I didn’t piss off the AMA for this. (He rips off McCAIN’s gag.)

PELOSI: Don’t, Howard, don’t! He’ll just speak fearlessly again!

CLINTON: (Acting tough.) Whaddaya gonna do, John? Fire your big bazooka at me?

McCAIN: (Spluttering.) You’re not going to get away with this. I will do everything in my power to repeal this law. I live to help the vulnerable. Even my f**king drug addict wife!

OBAMA: It’s too late, John. The US Government is now bigger than both of your balls put together!

McCAIN: You’re callously dismantling a noble democratic tradition!

OBAMA: That’s the difference between you and me, John: you never realised that ordinary men and women can’t be trusted to make important decisions …

(The transcript breaks here as the surveillance camera did not adequately pick up events. It appears that McCain used his totally awesome Eagle Scout skills to rapidly untie his bonds, leap over the table, and perform a massive quadruple judo-flip on his simpering, effete wardens.)

McCAIN: My momma told me never to be half-assed if you can use your entire ass instead, liberals.

OBAMA: That advice was from a woman? (Thinks.) Well, perhaps I’d better listen.

OTHER DEMOCRATS: Ouch! You’re hurting us with your mature, patriarchal, reassuring choke-hold!

OBAMA: Take the women! Just let me go! Me! (Sobbing faintly.)

PELOSI: (Wincing in pain.) Barry … he … knows … too … much!  … Stop him!

(A loud scuffling is heard from under the table, punctuated by giggles.)

McCAIN: What’s that noise?

JOHN KERRY: (Popping up in dishevelled duck-hunting uniform.) Ah, hello, this is John Kerry, patriot and traitor, at your service. (Muffled giggles under table.) Not now, please, Jane! (To McCAIN.) Can I lick your boots, you imposing, GI-Joe-type specimen of a man?

McCAIN: It’s too late, you Viet Cong-fondlin’ gimp, it’s over! The traitors have lost.

KERRY: Never. As long as traitors lack the spine to defend our country, we will never be defeated.

OBAMA: (On floor.) No … time!

KERRY: (Looks down.) Mr President?

OBAMA: The VC mind-control password!

McCAIN: Ha! There is no mind-control password, goddammit. Another liberal fifth column lie!

KERRY: (Impersonating Val Kilmer in The Doors.) Sometime you gotta get really deep in with the enemy, John, to learn their secrets. (Begins series of frightening, rapid hand gestures aimed at McCain’s face.) Ga xao xa ot! Nem nuong!

McCAIN: Head … hurting … unfamiliar … words … destroying … short … term … memory … aaaaarrrgh! (Stares blankly at DEMOCRATS, utterly confused.) Who are you people?

OBAMA: We’re just a scared bunch of multiculturalists trying to do what’s best for undeserving minorities, John. Nothing happened: go back to the Pentagon ammunition supply cupboard.

McCAIN: (Blankly, dazed.) Certainly, Mr totally legitimate non-Muslim President! (Salutes and exits.)

CLINTON: Phew, that was close. Anyway, I gotta go and abort some third-trimester babies with my bare hands. Mental health break: doctor’s orders. Don’t worry, it’s all government-funded!

ALL: Ciao! Ciao!

EXIT DEMOCRATS, amidst laughter and hail of European-style air-kisses.

Launched in 2004, New Matilda is one of Australia's oldest online independent publications. It's focus is on investigative journalism and analysis, with occasional smart arsery thrown in for reasons of sanity. New Matilda is owned and edited by Walkley Award and Human Rights Award winning journalist Chris Graham.