The iPad Makes Too Many Headlines


Can newspapers get any more desperate?

Since Apple launched its newest bit of consumer electronics a week ago, newspaper editors everywhere have dedicated acres of space to the gadget, hoping to hold the attention of "tech-savvy" younger readers.

The day after the world’s least aesthetically pleasing dresser, Steve Jobs, released the world’s most aesthetically pleasing hunk of metal and glass, the iPad, the Age ran four articles in the "Focus" section, the Herald Sun ran a double-page spread asking if this product will "change the world" and the Australian ran three reports, an editorial and an online survey.

Overkill, anyone?

But now that Steve Jobs’s soundbites have been reprinted several times, legacy media journalists will be racking their brains for new ways to jazz up the latest media issue with geek-porn pictures of the Apple iPad. So, because I feel a bit sorry for them, here are my suggestions:

Headline: Abbott’s girls "iPad virgins"
Lead paragraph: In a candid interview with a leading women’s magazine, Tony Abbott has revealed his daughters won’t be touching Apple’s sexy new tablet device "until they’re ready".

Headline: GDP figures look good
Lead paragraph: Australia’s economic forecast figures look fantastic when viewed on the Apple iPad’s revolutionary new high-resolution display.

Headline: US grants Haiti aid equal to 143,061 iPads
Lead paragraph: President Obama has agreed to give earthquake-ravaged nation Haiti $100 million in aid — about the equivalent of 143,061 iPads.

Headline: iPad raises fresh doubt on climate change
Lead paragraph: In the latest revelations from the "climategate" saga, the Apple iPad’s remarkably sharp display has revealed new details in satellite photos of the Arctic, casting fresh doubt on the theory of man-made global warming.

Headline: My School site shows public students less likely to own Apple iPads
Lead paragraph: An analysis of the Federal Government’s controversial My School site has revealed public school graduates earn less on average, making them less likely to be able to afford Apple’s revolutionary new tablet device, the iPad.

Headline: Rockefeller iPad link
Lead paragraph: Murdered multi-millionaire Herman Rockefeller led a double life, much like Apple’s revolutionary new iPad which functions as both an e-reader and web browser.

Headline: Federer "iPads" Murray
Lead paragraph: Roger Federer has beaten Andrew Murray in straight sets, echoing the recent game-winning release of the Apple iPad over rival Amazon Kindle.

Headline: Rate rise puts iPad out of reach
Lead paragraph: The Reserve Bank has foreshadowed significant rate rises this year, putting Apple’s iPad beyond the budget of many working families.

Headline: Apple encourages anorexia
Lead paragraph: With a weight of only 700 grams and a thickness of just 1.3 centimetres, Apple’s iPad reinforces the stereotype that slim is sexy and promotes eating disorders among Australian women.

Of course, if none of the above ideas appeal, you could just mix a few of these stories together to create a "mash up". Young people love that sort of thing, you know.

Launched in 2004, New Matilda is one of Australia's oldest online independent publications. It's focus is on investigative journalism and analysis, with occasional smart arsery thrown in for reasons of sanity. New Matilda is owned and edited by Walkley Award and Human Rights Award winning journalist Chris Graham.