Bob Dumpling Like You've Never Seen Him Before

This week we coaxed 20 answers out of newmatilda.com‘s elusive satirist, Bob Dumpling.

Bob’s work has graced the pages of NM since 2006, when, after fulfilling a range of outcomes-based tasks for several employers, he sought solace in a quiet corner of the internet.

Somewhere between playing league for the Dapto Under 9s, a hip replacement and finding concurrent moments of joy and intense hardship with someone who should have known better, Bob developed a biting wit and a distaste for most people on both sides of politics. Made all the better by his belief that the narrative throughline is a Marxist construction, Bob’s work has free-formed across such topics as the plight of Gen Y during the GFC, fat kids and NRL group sex.

After much badgering, he finally slipped these answers under our door.

1. If you were given $5 million, what would you spend it on?

It would have to go to Karin Upton Baker. It breaks my heart that someone accustomed to living a certain lifestyle could suddenly be reduced to — it’s horrible just to contemplate it — join the rental market. I know $5 mil isn’t going to dig Ms Upton Baker completely out of this hole but if enough people do these questions, we can all pitch in and get her across the line in time for Christmas.

2. Who would you most like to be stuck in a lift with?

Someone from Otis.

3. What trivia topic will you beat everyone else in the pub to the buzzer on?

My passwords.

4. The headline you’d most like to see on the front page of a daily newspaper.

Andrew Bolt Declares, "All I Ever Wanted Was a Hug."

5. Complete this sentence. I’d like to hear Kevin Rudd say "…"

"I’ll keep this brief."

6. If you could have made one major life move differently, what would it have been?

Never should have purchased all of those boxes of Hypercolour t-shirts.

7. You’re on a desert island with only a magical television for entertainment. It only broadcasts sports. It can only broadcast one sporting code. You choose the sport.

Lingerie Football, the handling skills are phenomenal.

8. You’ve been appointed research director for an organisation funded by a hands-off philanthropist. What do you tell your staff to find out?

Is the Aquacalypse (destruction of the ocean’s food stocks) a conspiracy by Big Beef.

9. How often do you check your email?

Each time the buzzer goes off.

10. What annoys you about politicians?

They think people care.

11. Name someone in Australian public life who deserves a promotion.

Quentin Bryce, she’d make a fantastic queen.

12. Name someone in Australian public life who should be out on their ear.

Jenny Macklin. That joke’s just not funny anymore.

13. Can we fix climate change?

No.

14. If we were in a karaoke club and not online, what song would you sing?

"Ever Fallen in Love (with Someone You Shouldn’t Have)" by the Buzzcocks

15. Have you ever seen a ghost?

No, but I’ve seen someone who looks like they have.

16. Computers could be improved. How?

What am I, a mainframe architect? I hope so. It will be terrible if humankind’s technical accomplishments end at Windows 7.

17. I’m going to get a coffee? What can I get you?

Something sweet.

18. Do you have a hidden talent?

Yes. I convert Mormons.

19. What image should hang on the wall of the PM’s office?

Big photo of His Holiness the Dalai Lama with the word "Arsehole" underneath.

20. What question should we ask our next interviewee?

You are having Russell Crowe, Bronwyn Bishop and George Clooney over for dinner. What do you cook for them?

BONUS: This is the question from our last interviewee:

Are you getting paid for this? I heard Jennifer "Jen Jen" Mills got paid.

All I got was finger food.