Andrew Bolt, Please Forgive Us


The Herald Sun‘s esteemed opinion columnist, Andrew Bolt, is upset. Very, very upset. Prime Minister Kevin Rudd’s apology to Indigenous Australians seems to have set something off in the poor fellow. He’s so apoplectic with rage he’s started making sheep noises. And I have to say, I feel a little bad for him. He just seems so furious, so desolate at the way the country’s going. And the fact is, we’re to blame. You and me, and our fellow left-wing, do-gooder, bleeding-heart PC Australians. We’ve given poor old Andrew heartburn. And at a time like this, I think it’s only appropriate that I offer, on behalf of the nation, an apology to Mr Bolt.

Andrew, I’m sorry that, as you say, the Prime Minister offered an apology to stolen generations "no one can actually find". Many of us found quite a lot of them, actually. There were a fair few up in Canberra the other day, in fact. I’m truly sorry you still can’t find them. Maybe you could ask your friend Ms O’Donoghue to help you look.

I’m sorry that any of us have the temerity to suggest that Australians might, once, somewhere, somehow, done something for racist reasons. I’m sorry on behalf of all those people who keep talking about "stolen generations" rather than "rescued by kindly European philanthropists generations". I’m sorry such an acceptance of history reduces you to such bitter tears of affronted patriotism. And I’m sorry that it was us, the people of Australia, who wilfully and deliberately accepted that history without the slightest regard for your feelings. We are sorry.

I’m sorry that you think an email from Victorian Education Minister Bronwyn Pike encouraging schools to mark the day of the apology seems to you to be equivalent to turning our children into ‘Red Guards’. I am deeply sorry for the hurt and anguish your paranoia and Cold War fantasies must be causing you. I apologise, on behalf of Ms Pike, for the suggestion that schools should "acknowledge" the day. In future, on occasions of historical import, we will all do our best to completely ignore what’s going on. Like we did back when the Aboriginal children were being stolen, which, again, I would like to apologise for mentioning.

I am very, very sorry, Andrew, that you were so upset by the national Sorry. I’m sorry that the sight of the welcoming ceremony cut so deeply into you. I’m sorry for all those deeply offensive tears of joy. I realise now how the spirit of unity and pride, although entered into with good intentions, was in fact unpardonably objectionable and hurtful to the traditional owners of the Herald Sun opinion pages.

But clearly, it’s not just the apology that’s got you so worked up, Andrew, and I realise we bear responsibility for so much more that’s upset the applecart of your life.

So I’m sorry, Andrew, that so many of us lefties act like we don’t like you. I’m sorry that Robert Manne and Jon Faine were mean to you. I’m sorry that the rabid left-wing is brainwashing our youth through their awesome power and total domination of the media, and all you get is an entire page to yourself twice a week in the most widely read daily newspaper in Australia to fight against the massive, unstoppable tide of Marxist lies. I’m sorry that you don’t have your own TV show; maybe you and Gerard Henderson could form a support group.

I’m sorry so many of us have bought into the global warming hype; I’m sorry that our political biases have caused us to so blindly follow the relevant science. In addition, I am sorry on behalf of the planet Earth for allowing its climate to change in such a reckless and decidedly politically correct manner. It is possible, I concede, that the planet has undergone warming in response to an email from Bronwyn Pike.

I’m sorry nobody listens to your warnings about Greens being Nazis. I promise that when Bob Brown sets up his first death camp, we’re all going to feel really silly.

I’m sorry nobody will listen to the good news about Iraq. I’m sorry we get so fixated on the car-bombs and POW-torture that we neglect the important issues, like all the freedom and democracy floating around, and the soccer team and stuff.

I’m sorry that the culture wars are over. I’m sorry if that makes you feel irrelevant. I know how awful it is for you when you run out of things to fulminate on. I’m sorry if the lack of opportunities to rant about black armbands ends up forcing you into another article about the sinister left-wing agenda of children’s cartoons. I apologise sincerely and without qualification for the pain and suffering caused by the political correctness of Finding Nemo. And I’m sorry for those people unkind enough to suggest that someone who considers talking fish a threat to our way of life is less a serious political commentator and more some sort of hilarious caricature of a right-wing lunatic. The suggestion is cruel and unnecessary, and I’m sorry it was ever made.

I’m sorry artists get art grants, and I’m sorry the Liberal Party isn’t conservative enough. I’m sorry academics keep disagreeing with you, and I’m sorry there are still people who don’t think Christian folk are the best folk in the whole wide world. I’m sorry Victoria was so disgustingly PC as to make a woman Police Commissioner, and I’m sorry there’s too much sex on TV. I’m sorry for not being scared enough of Muslims, and I’m sorry for watching Media Watch.

But most of all, Andrew, and I think I speak for all my countrymen and women here, I’m sorry we didn’t listen to your warnings. I’m sorry we all lost our minds and voted Labor. And I’m sorry that the country hasn’t sunk screaming beneath the ocean as a result. It must really hurt that Kevin hasn’t killed us all yet. I’m sorry.

I’m sorry we had the blazing audacity to kick John Howard out. I apologise for our flagrant ingratitude towards him for all he did for us, and to you for all you did for him. I’m sorry for that little smile we keep allowing to creep onto our faces. I am so, so sorry for the way we put you on the sidelines.

For the pain, suffering and hurt of you, your fellow Howard-boosters and their descendants, we say sorry. To Bolt and Akerman, Henderson and Windschuttle, for the breaking up of the Liberal leadership, we say sorry. And for the indignity and degradation thus inflicted on a proud right-wing people and a proud culture of denial, dog whistles and xenophobia, we say sorry.

Honestly, Andrew, I’m really and truly
sorry for you.

New Matilda is independent journalism at its finest. The site has been publishing intelligent coverage of Australian and international politics, media and culture since 2004.