Down to Earth Star Guide for Skeptics and Cynics


There’s a lot of action in your sign this week. I’d like to mention a  University of Texas study which outlined 237 reasons for having sex,  in order of popularity (strangely, ‘I was drunk’ came 49th). This  
week, your exploits will single-handedly skew all further studies so  well that you will be appointed to the Australian Research Council  Board.

Favour will be abruptly withdrawn from you this week without any  explanation, leaving you feeling like a small child halfway through an  ice-cream, or a victim of sadistic federal funding regimes. Much  
wailing and gnashing of strategic plans will ensue unless you are  mature enough to accept that sometimes, you lose.

There’s a fresh perspective on your social status coming up this week,  which will come as a relief. Like Libran Shinzo Abe, all mentions of  your name have been prefaced with "the embattled" of late. I predict  
that this week there will be some kind of ceasefire, even if you do have to apologise to half of Japan first.

This weekend, you’ll be presented with a serious choice which will reflect on all your future endeavours. Sadly, you will be stupidly restless until Tuesday, and capable only of gazing into the middle distance and saying ‘hmm’. You will either damage your reputation for life or begin a career as a talk show host.

Have reports of the future of the Murray-Darling been arousing an unhealthy level of sympathy? It’s not because your resources are  drying up. There’s a takeover bid on your life right now – you’re being asked to dedicate it to someone else’s master plan. Good luck defending yourself. You’re about as vulnerable as a Tasmanian  hospital.

This week, you will be asked to defend certain serious fuck-ups in your past. You will spend most of the week convincing your significant other that it wasn’t you who was being unfaithful. Fortunately, a precedent has been set for you. Simply claim that monogamy was the responsibility of unaccountable state governments.

You have an altruistic tendency often hidden from the public eye. You  may be regarded as vain, self-interested, perhaps even a bit fluffy,  but this week you will show people that you actually care about social  justice by buying the world’s biggest mirror and initiating a charity  makeover-a-thon.

There are people in Silicon Valley who describe themselves as ‘working  class millionaires.’ Apparently a cool mil doesn’t go as far as it  used to in this age of endless consumption. What kind of resource  
wealth in your life are you taking for granted, Pisces? When you’ve  found it, hide it from the puddin’-thieves.

Getting what you want is often simply about demanding it. Like Aries  Mark Vaile, you may appear to have the negotiating skills of a barrel  of concrete, but it’s a barrel surprisingly capable of having a good     whinge at the National Party. Essentially, people only give you stuff    because you’re annoying. Stick with what works for you.

Your partner might be more pleased by this horoscope than you. You’re  about to become a lot less demanding. Seriously, you’ve been so  high-maintenance, they were about to privatise you and let the  
infrastructure decay. Pretty soon you’ll be as easily pleased, and  endlessly forgiving, as a mum-and-dad shareholder.

The Bush Administration can now legally eavesdrop on all communication  that passes through the United States, which pretty much covers your  inbox. You spend the next week gleefully inserting coded pro-jihad  sentiments into all your emails, producing a brilliant example of    cutting-edge political satire which no-one notices.

Cancerian Queen Brian May recently handed in his astrophysics PhD  after more than thirty years. Presumably your grace period and/or  grant has expired, but you can still finish the job properly. What  
secret nerd skill from your past can you usefully revisit this week,    Cancer? Hint: it’s not the trick with the spaghetti and the nostrils.

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