Leo
There’s a lot of action in your sign this week. I’d like to mention a University of Texas study which outlined 237 reasons for having sex, in order of popularity (strangely, ‘I was drunk’ came 49th). This
week, your exploits will single-handedly skew all further studies so well that you will be appointed to the Australian Research Council Board.
Virgo
Favour will be abruptly withdrawn from you this week without any explanation, leaving you feeling like a small child halfway through an ice-cream, or a victim of sadistic federal funding regimes. Much
wailing and gnashing of strategic plans will ensue unless you are mature enough to accept that sometimes, you lose.
Libra
There’s a fresh perspective on your social status coming up this week, which will come as a relief. Like Libran Shinzo Abe, all mentions of your name have been prefaced with "the embattled" of late. I predict
that this week there will be some kind of ceasefire, even if you do have to apologise to half of
Scorpio
This weekend, you’ll be presented with a serious choice which will reflect on all your future endeavours. Sadly, you will be stupidly restless until Tuesday, and capable only of gazing into the middle distance and saying ‘hmm’. You will either damage your reputation for life or begin a career as a talk show host.
Sagittarius
Have reports of the future of the Murray-Darling been arousing an unhealthy level of sympathy? It’s not because your resources are drying up. There’s a takeover bid on your life right now – you’re being asked to dedicate it to someone else’s master plan. Good luck defending yourself. You’re about as vulnerable as a Tasmanian hospital.
Capricorn
This week, you will be asked to defend certain serious fuck-ups in your past. You will spend most of the week convincing your significant other that it wasn’t you who was being unfaithful. Fortunately, a precedent has been set for you. Simply claim that monogamy was the responsibility of unaccountable state governments.
Aquarius
You have an altruistic tendency often hidden from the public eye. You may be regarded as vain, self-interested, perhaps even a bit fluffy, but this week you will show people that you actually care about social justice by buying the world’s biggest mirror and initiating a charity makeover-a-thon.
Pisces
There are people in
wealth in your life are you taking for granted, Pisces? When you’ve found it, hide it from the puddin’-thieves.
Aries
Getting what you want is often simply about demanding it. Like Aries Mark Vaile, you may appear to have the negotiating skills of a barrel of concrete, but it’s a barrel surprisingly capable of having a good whinge at the National Party. Essentially, people only give you stuff because you’re annoying. Stick with what works for you.
Taurus
Your partner might be more pleased by this horoscope than you. You’re about to become a lot less demanding. Seriously, you’ve been so high-maintenance, they were about to privatise you and let the
infrastructure decay. Pretty soon you’ll be as easily pleased, and endlessly forgiving, as a mum-and-dad shareholder.
Gemini
The Bush Administration can now legally eavesdrop on all communication that passes through the
Cancer
Cancerian Queen Brian May recently handed in his astrophysics PhD after more than thirty years. Presumably your grace period and/or grant has expired, but you can still finish the job properly. What
secret nerd skill from your past can you usefully revisit this week, Cancer? Hint: it’s not the trick with the spaghetti and the nostrils.
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