Leo
With Saturn and the sun creating good performative mojo, you should be able to exploit your stage presence this week. Dazzle them with magic and the roving spotlight, and they’ll soon be eating out of your hands. This advice may only work in certain circumstances, e.g. the audience consists entirely of baby goats.
Virgo
Our Virgoan Foreign Affairs Minister didn’t say no-one would apologise to Haneef. He said: "I mean, what do you expect them to do, fall on the ground and grovel, eat dirt? I mean, get real." Apparently you have all been replaced by petulant thirteen-year-olds. The only possible attitude to take this week is "like, whatever."
Libra
You’re trying to profit from your mistakes, and that’s nice, but four days in jail is not really long enough to get the blues, let alone write a hit song about it. So Nicole Richie’s career might not get as much of a boost as she’d like. Librans, don’t get your hopes up too high – sometimes hardship is just a pain in the arse. So to speak.
Scorpio
Vicarious satisfaction can have its charms, but this week will be analogous to the neighbours playing one of your favourite records at exactly the wrong volume for you to be able to hear it properly. Like a squeaking mattress in the next motel room, it’s a sign that your own life is frustratingly suspended. Lucky you’re such a perve.
Sagittarius
This week, you will finally manage to turn that abstract pining into an articulate wish. Sadly, your fairy godmother wandered off some time ago, bored out of her wits. The good news is that you can fulfil it yourself with a little creative lifestyle adjustment. Time to sell your car and buy a one-way ticket to the moon.
Capricorn
In waking a tiger, use a long stick.? So said Capricornian Mao Tse-Tung, presumably in relation to something other than tigers. I’d like to give you similar advice this week. What you formerly wouldn’t have touched with a ten-foot pole, you may now choose to gently prod with a twelve-foot one.
Aquarius
Aquarian Gordon Brown has bravely taken on one of the tasks handed to him when he stepped up to the leadership plate: the Agreeing With George portfolio. This week, you may feel internal pressure to avoid the moral compromises inherent in your life. It’s a gut feeling, but don’t worry; even if that is your pride, it’s just something you ate.
Pisces
Chelsea Clinton may get to be the First Kid twice. How would you feel about going back to re-hash an old role, Pisces? I predict that you’ll have to face the proposition, if not the actual performance, sometime this week. The waning moon helps you with the nostalgia factor, but there’s nothing we can do about the fact that the costume no longer fits.
Aries
Do you feel a bit blocked right now? It’s not the need for another cup of coffee, it’s the fact that the universe is surrounding you with insurmountable obstacles, just to have a laugh at your expense. Movement is restricted and barriers encroach. Get your stackhat out, cause you’ll be doing a lot of bashing your head against a brick wall.
Taurus
Wild horses wouldn’t drag a Taurean away from anything they want, and that’s what I find amusing about the surname of the new Victorian Premier. Sometimes, you don’t need to charge to get what you want. Sometimes someone opens the door for you and you fly right through the gap and into the opposite wall with slapstick ease.
Gemini
Mercury moves into its home stretch this weekend, giving you a compound effect in your ability to communicate that will benefit others much more than yourself. It will be like holding up a mirror that enables you to see the back of your haircut, while simultaneously giving your stalker something to think about for the rest of the month.
Cancer
Today is Lughnasadh, which begins the harvest season if you happen to be a traditional Celtic farmer in the northern hemisphere. If not, you can still gather up what you have grown over the past year, and consider how far you have come since the last seasonal contemplation. Even if it only means clipping your toenails.
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