Cancer
Your usual supporters have been dropping like flies in a broken lift. Like the pressure on Bush to withdraw from Iraq, you feel there’s more than a few hints that it’s time for a change. Actually, the time to change was several years ago. Now it’s more like time to salvage what little remains of your dignity.
Leo
This week is big in your personal narrative. It’s the money shot things heat up, come to a climax, and end with you standing off camera with a handful of tissues, wondering what you’ve really amounted to. The good news is that it’s a perfect time for a career change, and/or a move to another country where no-one’s heard of you.
Virgo
The worst is over. It has mooched from your house like a hippy couchsurfer from hell, and now you can start picking up after it. If the doorbell happens to ring while you’re vacuuming, don’t ignore it. Now that you know what you don’t want, I predict that something much better is coming into your life to fill the void.
Libra
Social adventurousness will plague you this week. Normally over-confident, you’ll be positively aggressive in the search for that perfect team. You will end up running about with a large whistle, screaming instructions and making bewildered, impressionable strangers huddle in bus stops to hear your coded play strategy.
Scorpio
If anyone could be said to like a challenge, it’s a Scorpio. The pleasure you take in being stretched is tantamount to having a fetish. It’s time to indulge yourself, because the universe is quite disposed to throwing issues at you. Fortunately, you know how to turn a battle of wills into a career choice.
Sagittarius
Last week I suggested you prepare for an important trip; this week you take off. A wise person said the journey of a million miles begins with a single step. They didn’t mention that the journey down the shops also begins with a single step, as does the journey across the room to get the remote control. So you don’t have to go far.
Capricorn
Have you bitten off more than you can convincingly carry away from the table? Are you feeling a bit like an ant faced with a crumb-shaped piece of lead? I must advise you to let it go, but I realise you will never agree, and instead will stumble back to the nest, battered and broken but heroically waggling your funny little mandibles.
Aquarius
A recent study of meditators showed surprisingly active brainwave patterns under all that ohming. It could be concluded that being off-planet is just another kind of alertness. You might like to use this in your defence when you are charged with driving in a trance later this week, though neither of you will be able to stand up in court.
Pisces
Did you know that ‘suspected attack attempts’ can result in a charge of ‘conspiracy to cause explosion’? The devil is in the detail this week, so if you don’t read the fine print you might find you’re next against the wall, after Muslims and Aboriginal people. If you’re an Aboriginal Muslim you will be sent straight to re-education camp without any tea.
Aries
Shadow Minister for Things Which Aren’t Too Controversial, Peter Garret, finally explained why he isn’t in the Greens: he doesn’t smoke weed. In the process he may have lost about half his demographic. Your lesson, Aries, is that Nanna was wrong. You can actually be too careful.
Taurus
You’ll be very warmly received by your family this week. I can see you being the life and soul of Great Uncle Digger’s ninetieth birthday party, particularly as the dear old chap passed on some time ago. It’s an excellent time for a reunion, so call up those mothbally rellos and squeeze yourself into a will or two while the going’s good.
Gemini
Your words have been grinding away on dandelion and barley like there’s a war on, but this week you get a double shot of articulate espresso. The real thing goes straight to your bloodstream and makes you shake, so you are forced to hire a typist to get all that good copy down. I hope he can hear you over the jaw-grinding.
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