Gemini
You are in danger of over-thinking everything this week. Normally hyper-analytical, your mind will be in overdrive; onlookers may remark on the visible smoke coming from your ears. A twist of fate on Saturday will open your mind to the possibilities it needs to explore. Meanwhile, take up smoking to distract viewers.
Cancer
While things might seem to be slowing down, you’ll also be feeling more skilled at navigating your love life this week, particularly as it may relate to your working life. You might even discover the mythical balance point between workaholic and not leaving your bed for a month, if you still have a job that is.
Leo
With the planet of glamour in your sign, voters should start liking you more. Clinton 2 might be prettier but she doesn’t read the fine print before getting into a war or a marriage. Kev might be the pollsters’ golden boy but I suspect you still have a few tricks up your sleeve. What’s the difference between ‘above board’ and ‘overboard’ anyway?
Virgo
Everyone has the occasional Nothing Week where the planets leave you fending for yourself without particular instruction as how best to live your life. But right now, the planets are insisting that they want nothing to do with you; that you are the only force in charge of your destiny. It’s lucky you don’t believe in astrology.
Libra
This week you will consider your relationship with a group or club, in an Oscar Wilde way. But your idea of your own unpopularity is out of date; you soon realise everyone likes you a lot more than you thought. Since Librans are already socially vain, you will immediately become unbearable to be around, thus restoring the balance.
Scorpio
Just like Paris, you find that a voluntary, head-down approach to your debt to society is the best way to go about keeping a few mod cons intact. You also find that orange goes quite nicely with your eyes. Try a similar approach to karma this week humility could get more than one incriminating slate wiped clean.
Sagittarius
It is an excellent week for Sagittarians to experiment with mind-altering substances, as the expansion of your personal consciousness is exactly what’s being called for. If you’ve left drugs behind (in customs, or that last taxi), try a new environment or an intellectual challenge. Some bastard must have invented 3D Sudoku by now.
Capricorn
If you feel like you’ve been pushing uphill in your household, or working against some force of nature within your family, you should a) get the floor leveled and b) keep pushing. My sources tell me that this week your perseverance will be rewarded, and the stress around your near and dear will ease.
Aquarius
Death row inmate Patrick McKnight is looking for the best joke to say when he is pushed off this mortal coil later this month. You can pop a message on his MySpace. I’m telling you, Aquarius, because this week you’re in a unique position to provide the kind of laugh that flies in the face of death.
Pisces
Your renovations, which have been going disastrously, will turn a corner this week. However, any satisfaction you feel will be overshadowed by a lingering sensation that, no matter how perfect your suburban home, you are actually destined for higher things. Dream away but next time, use solvent-free walnut finish.
Aries
Don’t worry too much about the current scaremongery around fiscal responsibility and you not being able to tie your shoelaces, let alone run a country. No-one ever got into the rock-n-roll hall of fame for being fiscally responsible. Chicks dig scars, right? This week, charging into battle will make you look cool.
Taurus
You might have managed to talk your way into an exciting new relationship, but can you talk your way out again? Do you even want to? I suspect you’d prefer to just sit tight in your newly comfortable surroundings and hope that the love interest doesn’t cotton on to your inner slob. Hold it in as long as possible.
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