Down to Earth Star Guide for Skeptics and Cynics


Habitual, lower-order thinking will be in conflict with metaphysical quandaries this week. Your power theme park is the new Creationist museum opening in Kentucky, where cheap, animatronic dinosaurs ride on Noah’s Ark, happily coexisting with the animatronic humans. It’s all so wrong, and yet so right.

The new ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not WorkChoices’ ads will inspire you this week, as will McDonalds, who are suing the dictionary to change the meaning of the word ‘McJob.’ Combine the two strategies and see if you can redefine work for yourself. I’m thinking ‘Noun: meaningless activity, archaic. See slavery.’

Celebrity is not always a pleasant experience. Just think of David Hicks’ poor kids being dragged into the spotlight. The youngster’s definition of terrorists as ‘people with tea towels on their heads’ will be adopted by the Liberal Party this week in new legislation, prompting you to declare that you will never wash the dishes again.

Virgos are battling with their innate desire to stay at home and live a happy, quiet life in the suburbs. This week your dirty laundry (and your wife’s) is being aired in public. While the attempt to alienate you from the rest of the community might seem welcome, don’t close your front door on the world. Not until they nail your cat to it, anyway.

A great week for expressing yourself, the solution to a language puzzle is just around the corner. But as the thrice-wed mother of a blended family once said, beware of putting all your eggs in one bastard. Emotional urges may threaten to kick you off the balance beam of a creative life, and into the soft mat of domestic snoozery.

You are getting some strong fire energy right now, so try not to wear synthetics. You also have a fairly good week in terms of cash flow, but your spirited approach to accepting generosity may get you in trouble. If at any point you hear yourself saying ‘Them’s fightin’ words!’ to a bank teller or accountant, back away calmly and put the gun down.

This week you feel like that cop in Noise, the one with tinnitus; everyone seems to be speaking at once. On Friday a sudden clarity, akin to a Damascene conversion or the discovery of medical earwax removal, will wash over you, spilling out into the kidney dish of life. Instead of noise, you’ll be hearing beautiful music again.

You have a dull, uncreative period coming up, but it’s long overdue. You’ll be finishing a huge project this week, an epic battle of at least a year, so sit back and chillax. I insist that you take at least fifteen minutes to lay about idly before you launch yourself into the next work frenzy. Go and put it in your schedule right now. In pen, please.

This week, I predict you will be asked to surrender all your worldly goods to a religious organisation which claims not to like the word ‘cult.’ You are very attuned to spiritual things right now, but absolutely hopeless with money. Don’t speculate on someone else’s visions. To paraphrase Billy Bragg, start your own religion and cut out the middle man.

Alabama Homeland Security recently got in trouble for putting gays and greenies under its list of dangerous ‘single-issue extremists.’ As the minister responsible for ASIO you know all about that, right? This week, irritating, long-term conflicts simply refuse to go away, no matter how much you brand them terrorists.

You are blessed with an unreasonably generous ego. Without it, you would find life, and its moral compromises, almost unbearable. This week offers you some ethical challenges that threaten your serenity. Fortunately, your vanity will carry you through the storm like the fat sails on a stupidly expensive yacht.

Baboons eavesdrop on each other’s lovemaking. The motive is not titillation, but competition they are seeking out unhappy couples which might be easily separated. I’m not suggesting you hang out in hotels, pressing a glass against the wall, but rescuing someone from an unpleasant scene might work for you this week.

Launched in 2004, New Matilda is one of Australia's oldest online independent publications. It's focus is on investigative journalism and analysis, with occasional smart arsery thrown in for reasons of sanity. New Matilda is owned and edited by Walkley Award and Human Rights Award winning journalist Chris Graham.