Gemini
Angelina Jolie has been getting into trouble lap-dancing for her ex, the Gemini-loving Oliver Martinez. Will she finally ditch Brad and become interesting again? I predict you’ll be faced with a similar decision this week, as something or someone in your life comes to a screeching, dramatic halt.
Cancer
Cancerian Sylvester Stallone has pleaded guilty to importing human growth hormones, saying ‘It’s something I’ve been taking for years.’ This week you’ll be challenged to justify your own methods of enhancing your image, as people around you become obstacles instead of allies. Cue the training montage.
Leo
Costello reckons it will take a while for the budget to sink in we have to get our cheques first. If you choose to become a victim of Liberal social engineering and have a baby, become a carer, buy a house and install solar hot water just for the bonuses, watch out your best laid plans will be disrupted.
Virgo
Did you know the Milky Way is slowly eating another, smaller galaxy? This week you will find yourself thinking more deeply about your place in the universe, and what you have destroyed to get it. Expansion doesn’t have to be cruel. It’s a good time to enrol in a course or plan some travels.
Libra
With the New Moon in your sector of hotness this week, you will be as irresistible as Magneto’s tiramisu. Fear of unpleasant consequences will not register until it is too late. I should tell you to hold back and consider others, but what the hell, you’re not getting any younger.
Scorpio
You have a burst of inner strength this week, and the flowering of a fresh affection will tempt you to take risks for the sake of your heart. There is potential for a just outcome if you play this right, but a realistic solution won’t present itself until Friday. Until then, be prepared to look like the bad guy.
Sagittarius
I was one of those kids who always got told off for daydreaming, myself, so I know what you’re feeling right now. People around you have become exasperated with your esoteric nonsense. I suggest staring into the middle distance in a way that fools them into thinking you are actually listening.
Capricorn
You’re even more goat-headed than usual. Stubborn approaches will work eventually, but in the short term there is little you can do to break through the fence between you and your passion. A more radical approach might be in order you might burn the fence down, if you could work out how to strike matches with those cloven hoofs.
Aquarius
Your health is a focus right now, compounded by a strong desire to risk your domestic security. Aquarians choosing to move house this week should watch their occupational health and safety, lest they end up flattened under a piano in the middle of the street. Less pedestrian Aquarians may choose to hijack a plane or something.
Pisces
Mars leaves you with a sigh of relief, and enters your house of money and all things practical. You find yourself able to function in a way that closely mimics normal. You have three weeks in which to fool everyone into thinking you are capable and responsible. It’s a great time to give Pisceans deadlines.
Aries
Aries Pope ‘Mad-Eye’ Benedict XVI has railed against capitalism and Marxism in Brazil this week, threatened to excommunicate pro-choice politicians, and told indigenous people how much they enjoyed being overrun by Catholics. You also think you’re on a winner right now, but be careful the power doesn’t go to your pointy-hatted head.
Taurus
Taurean Tony Blair has been getting all statesman-like, causing everyone to forget he was recently the most unpopular British Prime Minister since World War II. It’s amazing what a little sentimental speechifying can achieve. This week, you too can rewrite history and make yourself look important. Have fun.
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