Taurus
With Mercury entering your sign, you should be able to articulate your feelings this week. Unfortunately, those feelings are complicated by the fact that you’re on an emotional see-saw: fear of abandonment, fear of commitment, repeat. The plank goes straight by early next week, so until then, watch your groin.
Gemini
Restlessness and a struggle for freedom will tempt you to take several risks this week. Choose the ones that seem most humanitarian in outlook. The Gemini Governor of New York is taking such a step by introducing a gay marriage bill. Institute some reforms before the neo-cons kick you back to Precambrian morals.
Cancer
In Britain, they have new CCTV cameras that talk. They contain recorded messages that can tell you to stop littering or not to piss on that wall, or that Oceania has always been at war with Eurasia. Your paranoid streak welcomes this news with bitter satisfaction.
Leo
You may feel the need to justify your actions this week. Be careful what kind of language you use, because attempts to be hip will only add weight to arguments for your irrelevance. Our esteemed Prime Leo, apropos of visiting Queensland: ‘It’s a perfectly normal, in the groove, thing to do.’ See?
Virgo
You have been playing with primal forces lately, but you are ready to start exploring more abstract possibilities. You can take the ball and run with it – all the way across the field, up over the stands, and into the firmament. But you really should have a landing plan before you hit orbit.
Libra
Who needs second best? Right now, you’re demanding a lot from the world. You want love and honour, peace and justice, excitement and solitude. By Monday you will find an alchemical process to combine these forces and neutralise none. People will probably respond by charging you with heresy and hurling you into an oubliette.
Scorpio
Imagine you are a slow old crocodile, slinking through the mud in search of a nice piece of tourist-calf steak. Now imagine someone – let’s call them Steve Irwin – nabs you by the tail. This week, you will be faced with a choice: keep on swamping, or join the zoo. Either way, you get to bite someone.
Sagittarius
This week you will sour your relationships with poorly-disguised impatience. The tactic of frustrating someone until they make the break is not terribly noble, but it is a neat way to escape your guilt about leaving. Sagittarians with patient partners will find themselves beating their head against a brick wall.
Capricorn
So the crazy guy who shot up all those students was a Capricorn. For most of you, this is good news. The episodes of loathing and rage that have been possessing you have now dissipated, and if you have managed to avoid shooting anyone recently, you should have a very pleasant week.
Aquarius
You’re like a cordless drill that has been lying neglected in a shed for weeks. Someone’s about to pick you up (probably metaphorically), and you’re gonna help them build something useful. A bed base? A harp? A rope bridge to Nauru? Whatever it is, it will scatter disharmony like so much sawdust.
Pisces
Something that has been an effort of will for some time – taking out the wheelie bin, perhaps – will seem a lot easier this week. The planets are guiding you toward benevolence. Be careful of mean-spirited types who want to take advantage of you. You could end up doing a tip run for the whole street.
Aries
Aries Alan Jones has been feeling victimised by the media lately, the poor old duck. This week, you will also get to swallow some of your own bitter medicine. I have a magical recipe for you. Carry five grams of sugar everywhere you go, and as you raise it from your pocket, chant this mantra: ‘I have the antidote! Mwahaha!’
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