The Down to Earth Starguide for Skeptics and Cynics


A new beginning, probably involving travel, will be obsessing you this week. Try and be a little bit patient with the details, because a small amount of planning now will reap a lot of rewards in the time to come. Who’d want to wake up in Siberia and realise they’d forgotten to pack socks?

A fishing boat in Alaska caught a 100-year old rock fish the other day. She’s big and pink and ugly. They gave her to some scientists, who cut her open and found she was pregnant. This week, callous, shoot-first types will piss you off, but you will be helplessly entangled in their net.

When you were small you were diagnosed with a heart murmur, but it’s never seemed to bother you until now. Your emotional life feels like too much for one person to handle. This week, you will be the Karl Marx of love. No, not a hairy old German I mean you’ll figure out ways to redistribute the wealth.

A fresh take on your goals will be more than welcome this week. While you’ve spent much of the last few months landing, that particular cycle is over; you’ll now be able to plan the next takeoff. Recent events should be encouragement enough to choose your co-pilot carefully.

Still figuring out your plan of attack? This week, a makeover will help. Before you head for the cosmetic equivalent of Sweeney Todd, consider overhauling your wardrobe. It’s the outer layers that need shucking, and besides, you don’t want to end up looking like Courtney Love.

Scientists claim to have come up with a workable design for an invisibility cloak. That sounds particularly inviting to you, because you’ve been trying to be stealthy for some time now. But you don’t need a spiffy techno-jacket to do that. Your assignment for this week is to discover your inner cat-burglar.

That tugging at your feet is not an insistent terrier – it’s your desire to skip around foolishly, which you’ve been keeping at bay with dehydrated treats for far too long. Some stress over the details will still be hounding you this week, but it’s largely a straw dog.

Your work and your ideals are closer to each other than you think. This week is all about finding the necessary tools to effect a resolution. This could be a new awareness of others, or access to some new information; or if you prefer, something pointy and shiny that came out of a forge.

A riot occurred in a Paris train station last week when two ‘illegals’ were busted by le transit cops. Over two hundred people leapt to their defence, chanting slogans and running amok, keeping police at bay for eight hours. This week, you will be surprised by the power of solidarity and a passion for mass transit.

Your home planet is bright in the evening sky this month. Capricorns found building elaborate radio transmitters out of bicycle parts should avoid suspicion of terrorist activity by painting themselves fluorescent green. You might evade the cops this way, but sadly, there is no escape from Earth.

The King of Bhutan, another royal Aquarian (one day I’m going to do the stats), is concerned that global warming will melt the glacial lakes and drown his tiny dominion. But instead of whinging about it, he’s campaigning hard for the support of bigger, more powerful nations. Pride isn’t getting us anywhere, is it?

You have an amazing capacity to neutralise conflict and stress, simply by taking nothing seriously. However, this can backfire badly when people close to you expect nothing more than witty asides and fart jokes. This week, you will be the boy who wished he had cried wolf some time ago.

Launched in 2004, New Matilda is one of Australia's oldest online independent publications. It's focus is on investigative journalism and analysis, with occasional smart arsery thrown in for reasons of sanity. New Matilda is owned and edited by Walkley Award and Human Rights Award winning journalist Chris Graham.