Aquarius
Your imagination is erupting like Vesuvius and by the weekend you’ll be ready to begin some crazy scheme. The details will be fuzzy for a while, but lateral thinking should get you through. I feel that the ghost of Aquarian Saparmurat Niyazov is watching over you from his big penguin reservation in the sky.
Pisces
You’re blessed with great sexual energy right now; unfortunately everything else is haywire. Technology fails, disagreements highlight fundamental differences, and you are reduced to sitting in your broken-down car drawing pornographic hieroglyphs on the windscreen, as your lover hitch-hikes away in the glow of the hazard lights.
Aries
You’ll be frustrated trying to make plans this week when you find out other people have very different agendas to yours. Trust is not high in your close relationships, so energy is likely to be wasted on circular arguments which never seem to end. The weekend will refresh your sense of belonging and help you learn your place.
Taurus
Don’t expect a heart-shaped box of yummy chocolates. Your partner, if they remember what day it is, is more likely to give you a rusty old jack-in-the-box. You find it irritating, but strangely compelling. You are addicted to the tension, but it’s actually just your hand winding the thing round and round just like your relationship.
Gemini
Why are you defending your ex so vehemently, even though the tabloid consensus has dubbed him ‘The Love Rat?’ Basically, you have issues with trust. Right now you also have issues with communication. The picture will get worse as your statements are continually misinterpreted. Loyalty might not be the best strategy.
Cancer
What’s the matter, I thought you liked listening to Love Song Dedications? Suddenly all the sappy Valentine songs are making you feel sick to your stomach. Either you ate too many strawberry soft centres or you’re jaded by routine. The weekend gives you a fresh perspective on the cyclic nature of passion.
Leo
If I ran Al-Qaeda, I’d draw a big love-heart around next October and pray for your enemy’s head on a plate. Then I’d send you an anthrax Valentine. At the risk of sounding like a hippy, I have to tell you that being mean is not going to solve any of the world’s problems. It’s just going to make you look like a dickhead.
Virgo
You’re very popular right now, but even the people most loyal to you are secretly waiting for something to go wrong. Be very careful what you say in the coming weeks, as your temper is likely to be short – and your rivals are not going to be gentle with you. Stick to your guns, but leave the safety on.
Libra
Having minor epiphanies about your capacity for love is not going to get you any action. You’re far too suspicious of the intentions of other people, even though they’re being honest with you. Abstract perfectionism overrides your usual sexual opportunism, leaving you feeling righteous but lonely.
Scorpio
If your heart has strings, the Valentine energy that’s tugging them is playing a catchy tune. You will be followed by all the rats of Hamelin, in the form of unwanted solicitations from people who don’t match your ideal type. You could expand your options, or let people down gently, but "Piss off, creepoid" is most effective.
Sagittarius
It’s a good time for you to celebrate the humour in mortality. Have a look on the internet, and you’ll be delighted by the range of options available. Keep an eye out for such tasteful Sagittarian commemorations as "I fathered Anna Nicole’s baby and all I got was this stupid T-shirt".
Capricorn
This Valentine’s day, avoid dating, particularly if you happen to be involved in the US Space Program. Bunny-boiling is on the agenda, and communication is unlikely to calm things down. You’re looking at the kind of passion that will stand up in court as temporary insanity (though the nappies scream premeditation).
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