New Year's Resolutions


In the great New Year’s tradition, each of our country’s major Parties began 2007 with some resolutions as to how to change their behaviour in the coming year. Unlike we simple individuals, however, Party resolutions required a caucus vote on a circulated agenda item noting the draft duly tabled in the Party room three weeks prior, to allow reading time. As such, just in time for February, we present the Australian political new year’s resolutions Party by Party.


The Liberal Party
No More Smoking
An oldy but a goody, the Liberal Party have heartily endorsed this resolution with one amendment. The simple addition of the word ‘Guns’ to the end of the sentence was felt by many backbenchers to create a stronger, bolder and far more appropriate message. It is felt that the ‘our Government is really just a mailbox’ excuse may have done its dash in 2006.

Help The Needy
This resolution was unanimously endorsed by the Party room after appropriate clarification was sought as to the precise definition of ‘needy.’ It was agreed that ‘the needy’ be defined as ‘those exhibiting an appropriate level of the great Australian quality of mateship.’ (‘Mateship’ was concurrently defined as being ‘independently wealthy, politically useful and from an Anglo-Saxon background’).

Lose Some Weight
Like all of us, the good ship Liberal took a long look in the mirror around 1 January and felt that they weren’t in the best shape. ‘Time to shed the dead weight,’ they muttered to themselves, staring venomously at a certain South Australian standing at the buffet table, fork and paper plate in hand. And what better form of plastic surgery is there than a knife in the back?

Thanks to Bill Leak

The Labor Party
Should Old Acquaintance Be Forgot
Promptly, following the midnight New Year’s Eve singing, this became the first resolution of the year as the Party intoned the now traditional response: ‘Yes. Kim who?’

Make Some New, True Friends
While popularity is a superficial goal that provides no real happiness, wouldn’t we all like to make a few quality friends every year? The Labor Party would. And they can even tell you the qualities that they’re seeking in their new friends. Living in Queensland or South Australia in a marginal seat, for example, is a great quality for a long-term soul mate. Anyone? Anyone?

Redecorate the House
Having argued over the need for a resolution to get fit (to govern), saying that in-fighting was the latest gym craze sweeping the nation, Labor’s factions were united by a more sensible, practical and all-together intellectual ambition to get an interior decorator to re-do the office. They feel that they would like the House (and for that matter the Senate) to have a more ‘moderne’ style. Oh, and as far as colours go, they were thinking red with a hint of green. Blue they felt was just so ‘the last 10 years’.

The National Party
Joy to the World
The Nationals only had one resolution for the year, ‘give Joy to the World’ “ destination unspecified but far away. Though, weirdly, they mis-spelled joy they added ‘c’ and ‘e’ to the end. How odd is that?! Didn’t seem to matter, though, as the resolution passed with one dissenting vote.

The Greens
Some make a large number of small resolutions, others a small number of large resolutions. The Greens have gone a step forward and just made one resolution for everyone, every single one of us, in Australia. Apparently they want to take all of us to Kyoto!!! Isn’t that nice? I think it’s for the duty free shopping.

The Democrats
Spend Time With Old Friends
The Dems have realised that as time moves on, it is very important to maintain contact with your old pals. These are the people who remember you the way you still see yourself, not the way others might see you now. That’s why the Dems love their old friends, buddies, BFFs voters. Sigh. What a shame it would be to lose touch with them. Hey, you haven’t seen any of them around here by any chance have you?

Family First
Spend More Time With Family
Probably the most predictable of the resolutions, but the one that has caused the most internal conflicts. You see, If Family First put their family first then they have to put Family First second, but then Family First wouldn’t succeed in putting the family first, so the Family First families will suffer if they’re put first. Hmmm. How zen.

New Matilda is independent journalism at its finest. The site has been publishing intelligent coverage of Australian and international politics, media and culture since 2004.