What Would Jesus Do?


South African cricket captain Hansie Cronje wore a bracelet bearing the letters WWJD: What Would Jesus Do? After much soul searching, Hansie concluded that Jesus would take buckets of cash for fixing cricket matches and then fly a plane into the side of a mountain.

But there is a slight possibility that Hansie might not be the leading theologian of the past 25 years. If Hanse misses out on the prize, my money’s on Tony Abbott.



Tony, as well as being funny, kind hearted and sweetly pretty, is a Christian; and as a Christian, he is impelled to apply his fervently held beliefs for the good of the nation. And that’s what he’s done, as a student leader, boxer and in every portfolio he’s graced winning universal acclaim across the kingdom. This admiration is much evident within his own Party, where he enjoys the favour of such fellow Christians as our Leader, and the much beloved, Hillsong-visiting Treasurer.

Typically bereft of ideas, Kevin Rudd, Opposition Spokesman for Cutting and Running from Holy Wars against Heathens, has tried to make himself noticed by claiming to love God just as much as Tony. This is palpable nonsense.

Leaving aside the obvious point that if you are opposed to a government run by Christians you must be a Satanist, Kevin is using an outdated version of God and is making himself look even more ridiculous than usual. Championing a God who has any interest in social justice or the plight of the downtrodden is about as relevant in the 21st century as Ritalin-free children.

By any standards, God has been remarkably successful. He has outlasted all the idols of the ancients and outflanked the deities of the East by picking the correct side in numerous wars. He has seen his chosen people we of the wealthy West rise to the apex of world power; while those who chose the way of the infidel, now wallow at the bottom of the human food chain. He has done so by applying the basics of free enterprise, expansion by innovation and willingness to adapt. He has been prepared to modify core business when necessary.

That is what Kevin Rudd and others have so conspicuously misunderstood.

The core business in ancient Judea was to grow the firm by appealing to the masses, most of whom were dirt poor. God’s followers therefore spent their time helping the indigent, the lame, the hungry and dispossessed whatever you do unto one of the least, you do unto me. This was a time when it was easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it was for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.

But times have changed. We now have heavy machinery. If you’ve got the readies, there is no longer any problem forcing large quadrupeds through any aperture. Either manufacture a needle big enough to accommodate a camel or buy an engine with enough thrust to extrude a dromedary. Rich men can now assure themselves a seat in the finest corporate boxes in Heaven, with a view of God guaranteed never to be built out.

Thanks to Sharyn Raggett

As Hillsong, the Exclusive Brethren and Tony know, these days, core business has become ‘ God helps those who help themselves’ and helps them help themselves to as much as their McMansions can hold.

If there’s one thing the new God hates above all else, it’s do-gooders fluffing up each other’s egos as they compete to help the smelly, useless, and unproductive leeches in society. Unemployed, crippled, insane, lazy and worthless, they’re worth nothing to God, and of no use to the Church. They bring little cash and contribute bugger all to share portfolios.

Churchmen who have refused to adapt to this reality are losing the battle for the Christian market and are sliding into irrelevance. They preach anachronisms like ‘peace’ and ‘brotherhood’ as they sneer at enlightened, modern policies on workplace relations and border protection.

If God had wanted us to help people fleeing from tyranny he wouldn’t have made Nauru so needy, barren and close to Australia.

God’s not an idiot. ‘Love your neighbour as yourself’ is not intended to apply to people of Middle Eastern appearance. He means help your ordinary, decent, White, Christian neighbours who aren’t tearing down property values with their incessant wailing in the direction of Mecca in the middle of the good bit of Australian Idol.

God wants us to choose who we help because one of His gifts to us was the right to choose albeit from a narrow set of options, which most assuredly does not include what goes in and out of a woman’s body. That decision belongs to God, or his representative: Tony.

Look at RU486 if you take two off the 8 and give it to the 4, you’ve got RU666. Coincidence? Don’t be so bloody naïve!

Jesus, of course, has moved with the times along with His Dad. On His first visit, He met a rich man who asked Him what he should do to get into Heaven. Jesus said, ‘Sell what you have, give the money to the poor, and follow me.’ If you should chance to meet Jesus these days, you are well advised not to bring this up because, quite rightly, He’s more than a little embarrassed about it. These days, He advocates investing, spending, the trickle down effect, and generous tax cuts for the richest one per cent.

Which brings us back to what Jesus would do if He did come back. You don’t have to be a Rhodes Scholar, like Tony, to work it out. He’d be in our schools having drained any remaining public funds that had been incorrectly labelled and not shovelled into private education teaching pure science, like Intelligent Design.

He’d have His own TV program, in which He would dress in an appealing manner and ask in a big, loud voice for more dollars to build bigger and better temples to His own Loveliness.

He would be campaigning to stop stem cell research and He’d be making public appearances in shopping centres pressing the flesh in support of the electoral campaigns of right-thinking candidates.

He would be entrepreneurial renting out temples at market rates for corporate functions.

He’d be waging holy war against naughty hoarders of weapons of mass destruction. He’d be heavily armed and never think of leaving before the mission was complete. He’d be blowing up abortion clinics and those within.

Most of all, He would be giving instructions so clear and unmistakable that even the terminally moronic like Kevin Rudd could understand: ‘Get over all this nonsense about helping the needy and downtrodden and join Tony and his chums George W and John W on message.’

He would also live somewhere nice, with a water view; maybe Florida or the Gold Coast. Certainly not back in the Middle East because that’s a shit hole, what with all those religious nutters cocking everything up.

Launched in 2004, New Matilda is one of Australia's oldest online independent publications. It's focus is on investigative journalism and analysis, with occasional smart arsery thrown in for reasons of sanity. New Matilda is owned and edited by Walkley Award and Human Rights Award winning journalist Chris Graham.