What's in a name?


It’s time the Australian Liberal Party changed their name. We have to clear up the confusion some voters have when selecting which party to vote for.

A liberal in America is shot on the spot when they ever show their heads. I mean liberal is a dirty word in the States. Most people there think that liberals are gay, commie, unwashed, educated and have pathological hatred of stem cells. They have television shows such as Fox News that just shout obscenities at liberals for twenty-four hours straight, seven days a week. John Kerry was accused of being too liberal, so in a mad panic he picked up his shotgun and promptly shot a goose, then everybody gave a sigh of relief.

Thanks to Fiona Katauskas

Thanks to Fiona Katauskas

We don’t want the embarrassing situation we had recently when John Howard had to explain to Arnold Schwarzenegger what an Australian liberal was. Arnie, at the time, was applying an inverted facelock hold on the Prime Minister till he found out that the PM hates the ‘commie baztards’ as much as he does. Howard apparently showed him a picture of his front bench and Schwarzenegger said ‘a group that nerdy has to be conservative.’

So let’s clear up this misnomer in Australian Politics and get the Australian Liberal Party to change their name.

Liberal, according to Oxford dictionary, is ‘willing to respect and accept behaviour or opinions different to one’s own.’

Does this sound like our Australian Liberal Party? Hmmm, maybe.

From what I’ve seen the Liberal Party is willing to respect and accept behaviour of other people. Every so often the Prime Minister wears a tracksuit of a top football team even though he has never kicked a football. Just out of respect.

The PM respects refugees so much he built them a special town and even built a fence to keep the riff raff out.

He makes friends with big media moguls even though the media acts as the fourth estate and keeps him honest.

And most surprisingly, he has tolerated the Family First Party even though they are diametrically opposed to his own personal views. Before I go on, let me clarify something. The members of Family First have assured me that they have nothing to do with the United States Assemblies of God movement, and it’s just a coincidence that all their members are parishioners of the church, and all their funding was provided by the church. You can imagine the first meeting of Family First can’t you, people would be saying, ‘What, you are a member of the Assembly of God church, get out of here, so am I!’

Now I’m glad we tidied that up because there is plenty of room for evangelical-based church movements in Australian politics and frankly we need more. If John Howard could toss the constitution and pick up the Bible then we would all be better off. Instead of paying taxes we could send in gifts (tax-deductable) and he could build a five-dollar house in Botswana for every hundred grand he receives. He could construct a church out of test tubes because we won’t need them for stem cell research anymore. He could deliver his policy speeches on television at four in the morning, squeezed between an advert for a spanner that has five hundred uses except for undoing a nut, or a diet that’s so expensive that you can’t afford food anymore.

The recent comments by Tony (my haircut says 1960s, but my opinions are all 1950s) Abbott on abortion would be met with ‘halleluiah’ or ‘praise the lord’ rather than all this sniping that’s been going on. The Opposition wouldn’t be Labor anymore it would be Satan, he could sit opposite the PM in the chamber and they can argue over morals and people’s souls. Question time could be prayer time and they could pray for a decent tax system.

But I digress. We were looking for a new name for the Liberal Party.

The name Democrats is gone but should be available within the next six months. One Nation is free again but seems to be Teflon-coated to any policies sticking. Greens, nope. Reds, definitely not. Maybe the Rainbow Party (tap, tap on the shoulder), oh, okay, that’s not going to work, and while we are talking about gays we should take a leaf out of the recent proposal from the USA of banning gay marriage. Everybody knows that if gays get married that they will breed and we will have more gay people. Then all the heterosexuals will die off and the gays we inhabit the world forming races of disco-dancing, theatre-lovers that love doing makeovers. The thought of that makes me want to go out and shoot a goose. But I shouldn’t fear, the Liberal Party has manful individuals like Christopher Pyne and Bronwyn Bishop to help keep us on the straight and narrow.

Maybe we should just stick to the name Liberal. Just because the Americans think the word means bad things shouldn’t worry us here in Australia. The Americans are an amiable lot and wouldn’t mind changing their meaning of the word to suit us. And we don’t have to follow everything that the Americans do. Do we?

Launched in 2004, New Matilda is one of Australia's oldest online independent publications. It's focus is on investigative journalism and analysis, with occasional smart arsery thrown in for reasons of sanity. New Matilda is owned and edited by Walkley Award and Human Rights Award winning journalist Chris Graham.