After Saturday night


After Saturday night, my wife and I have had a change of heart. It is clear that we have been swimming against the tide, and it is exhausting, so we have decided to stop worrying and learn to love the Liberal party. To do anything else, it seems, would be un-Australian.

My wife is to quit her job at the Wilderness Society trying to save Tasmania’s forests, and take up tennis and cosmetic surgery instead. We may move to Double Bay. We will be taking our children out of public education forthwith and placing them in a school more able to take advantage of public subsidies. We shall be trading in our old car and buying a large, government-subsidised four wheel drive with which to drive to our new weekender, probably in the Southern Highlands close to a historic village with several nice restaurants. We shan’t worry about how to pay for all of this, because we have been assured of continued low interest rates to fund our borrowing.

Following the lead of our new MP in Wentworth, if we want something, it is OK to employ whatever tactics we might wish, as long as we are successful in attaining our goal. As a journalist, I shall do my utmost to ingratiate myself with the country’s powerful media owners, and be sure not to take an inconvenient line with respect to any awkward government policies. In particular, cross-media ownership regulations do make life a little more complex than it need be for a proper market system to operate in the media industry in this country. Actually, I think I’ll give up writing and turn to investment banking, instead.

As far as the middle east is concerned, frankly the uncivilised ragheads deserve everything they get. Imagine being led by a criminal like Saddam Hussein who, even if it has turned out that he couldn’t do anything about it, DEFINITELY looked sideways at the west. Scum. Whatever it takes, that’s what we say.

Our conversation will be limited to property prices and childcare. We have decided to introduce road rage as a core activity, and, more broadly, complaining “ loudly “ about most things but particularly service in restaurants. It is, we have determined, all about us.

We have found it a refreshing tonic to look at things from this point of view, and thoroughly recommend it for those who feel somewhat deflated after the weekend. Honest John, we’re with you all the way.

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