satire
4 Jun 2009
Racism Is The Worst Bad Thing Ever
In fact it's so bad we might need to lock up darkies and muzzos to stop ourselves feeling its horribleness, writes Ben Pobjie
Is Australia a racist country? Of all the difficult questions the Australian people have had to dismiss without hesitation over the years, this is perhaps the funniest.Not that racism is always funny, of course. We can laugh at the Ku Klux Klan or the Nazis or well-known talk-back radio hosts, but we should never forget that racism has real consequences, and real victims, for whom the words and actions of racists can have long-lasting and enormously distressing effects on their entire lives. So in this article I will be careful not to mention them.
The accusation that Australia is racist is not a new one. It goes right back to colonial days, when Aborigines accused white settlers of racism based on the fact that they were not allowed to mix with the white people or drink in the same pub and that sometimes the white settlers would kill them. The charge was, of course, a false one. Our early settlers were not racist in the slightest: they would have killed anyone who happened to be inhabiting Australia at the time, regardless of race. If Australia had been full of Chinese, or Danish, or Italian people, the settlers would still have shot them. Especially the Italians. This is often a problem for ordinary Australians — outsiders mistake our general misanthropy and random violent impulses as directed towards particular races, when in fact we are just inherently hate-filled.
And so it has continued throughout history. From Alfred Deakin's woefully misunderstood spoof "The White Australia Policy", to Pauline Hanson's preference for Christian Muslims over the bad kind, from Arthur Calwell's jocular wordplay to rugby league statesman Paul Gallen's earthy, Hemingway-esque descriptiveness, Australians have found themselves at every turn confronted by accusing fingers and politically correct shrieks from those who lack either the courage or the sheer, unadulterated Australianness to lash out blindly at whatever race happens to be in their eye-line at the time.
I'm not claiming there is no racism in Australia. I'm no fluffy-headed idealist, prancing through life believing my country can do no wrong and that evil is confined to storybooks and Indonesia. My eyes are open; I can see the racism all around us. Take the recent film Samson and Delilah, a movie that confronts us with some harsh home truths about the racist preconceptions permeating the relations between white and black Australians. It is indeed shocking that even in this day and age, a man like director Warwick Thornton can still profit by perpetuating the base stereotype that all Aboriginal people are sensitive, critically-acclaimed independent filmmakers. When can we move on from this narrow-minded worldview? When will we accept that the vast majority of Aborigines are just like you or me, with no particular interest in naturalistic cinema or lucrative art careers, or slow, depressing acoustic music? It's just like the hackneyed old cliché that all Asians are hardworking computer geniuses, or that all Greeks and Italians are bad comedians. Get over it, people.
The point is: Yes, Australia occasionally suffers from small outbreaks of racism, usually imported from less reputable countries, but on the whole we are a marvellously tolerant country. Why, we'll tolerate almost anyone, no matter what skin colour or unusual facial features or obfuscating scarves they happen to possess. These provocations and many more are borne by Australians with quiet dignity and admirable composure, so nobody can call us intolerant.
You see, racism is all relative. In comparison with other countries, Australia is so non-racist that many people refuse to come here because they find they are too accepted. "Stop treating us so equally!" they cry. "It's creeping us out!"
Just look around the world. So much racism, so much worse-than-Australia-ness. I mean, ask yourself: would a racist country elect a black president? Probably — that's what racists do, they overcompensate. There's nothing a racist likes more than to elevate another race to a position of power to create the illusion of non-racism, and then laugh at them behind their back like high school students pretending to like the weird kid. Let's be honest: the election of Barack Obama was nothing more than a cruel prank played by the American people, a la the movie "Carrie", and I assure you it won't seem so funny when a blood-soaked Obama embarks on a telekinetic rampage throughout the Midwest.
On the other hand, a really non-racist country, a country confident in its cosmopolitan outlook and egalitarian convictions, will have the maturity to avoid electing racial minorities until they're good and ready. Australia excels at this. We know we're not racist, and that's why we feel no need to show off by electing the first exotic fruit to fall off the palm tree. Someday, Australia knows, our blacks and Asians and people of Middle Eastern appearance and women and other alien races will have an adequate grasp of modern democracy, and then they can lead. Until then, we're big enough to admit that our white men are the best. That's real equality.
It's not just America that's racist of course. All other countries have their share of this curse. England, France, China, India, Kuwait — all racist. And what about Israel? Well, Israel is in many respects the perfect society. No, you won't find me saying anything against Israel in public. But all countries that are not Israel? Racist as a southern beaches surfer wrapped in an Australian flag tattooing a Sol Trujillo cartoon onto the forehead of an unconscious Indian student. ie: pretty racist.
But of course, arguing over whether we're a racist country just because we racially slur a few CEOs, or knife a few hard-working foreigners, or send a few desperate refugees back home to die, will not really achieve anything. We can go on debating the rights and wrongs of using words like wog or spick or eye-tie or dago or frog or kraut or chink or nip or jap or gook or darkie or abo or boong or nigger or coon or kaffir or towelhead or muzzy or Lebbo or sand-nigger or curry-muncher or fat Sri Lankan bastard — but where will it get us? Will we be any closer to harmony?
No. Actions speak louder than words. If we truly want to end this whole racism kerfuffle, we have to get to the root of the problem. And what is that? Well, if one examines instances of racism throughout history, one can quickly see that in every case, racism occurs only after two different races come into contact with each other. The solution, therefore, seems simple: we have to stop coming into contact with other races.
In the old days, after all, there was no racism. The races lived in peace and harmony with themselves, blissfully unaware of even the existence of other races, let alone of how inferior and/or immoral they were. It's time to get back to those days. Time to separate out the many ingredients of the human casserole, and set them neatly on individual shelves.
It's a foolproof approach. And it wouldn't only work with racism. We could solve sexism the same way — keep men and women completely apart with no chance of ever coming into contact with each other, and sex discrimination would end in a jiffy. We could reproduce by mailing each other sperm in specially-designed envelopes. (I'm only suggesting mailing sperm to women, of course — I'm not weird.)
The point is, strict segregation is the way of the future. Give each race a patch of land, erect a tall iron fence around it, and let us all get on with our lives. The racists will be happy they don't have to mix with other races, the minorities will be happy they don't have to get punched, and the rest of us will be happy we don't have to be constantly reminded of how guilty we should be feeling.
In fact, there's no reason to stop even there. If we take this peaceful separation even further, we can actually end all human conflict on this planet. Anyone can see that the main cause of conflict and violence between people is the fact that people are allowed to mix with other people. I envisage a day when nobody has to come into contact with another human being, when we can all relax and live as God intended, cut off from the world in individual hermetically sealed pods, with nobody to bother, offend, insult or stab us. An ambitious dream of paradise, but not, I think, an unattainable one.
Imagine all the people ... living life in peace.
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A very circuitous way of saying there is racism in Australia!
Possibly the question is whether the police have the resources to respond to random acts of violence and thuggery, whoever the target is. Their apparent indifference to the plight of Indians could extend to Australians as well, if one were to consider the statistics. But statistics are very removed from reality, and reality is what the Indians are having to deal with, when there is the perception that they are being unfairly treated.
How does racist garbage like this get published?
amazingdave - satire: A literary work in which human vice or folly is attacked through irony, derision, or wit.
irony: the use of words to convey a meaning that is the opposite of its literal meaning
HiBen ,I like your work this article will bring all out of the holes,my daughters say Dad your such a racist ! You generalise everyone!! Can I help it if other races think the way they do things is the only way to live ? You see if you question the beliefs of others or say I was not there to see Mohammed talking to the angels if I had been I would have said, can I talk to them too? Or if I do say I could write a book call it Bobs Bible this is what happened back then who’s gonna believe Me , Racism is only a word for the fact that one dislikes what other do , what they wear ,if they stick their tongues doen another mans throat,I actually like watching women do it ! yeah I think we are all racists by my defifition, But I don’t try to tell other races how to live life , they are too stupid to take my sensible advice and live the right way!!!!!
@kukees. Oh, I see. So if I were to slap the word ‘satire’ across the front of Mein Kampf that would make it hilarious I suppose.
This thing about living in pods… it sounds a lot like Matrix
amazingdave:
I thought your comment about Mein Kampf was interesting, so I got out my copy and did what you suggested. The results were disappointing. Somehow, the text just doesn’t work as satire, even if you modify the cover. But it made me appreciate the skill of people who do satire well, like Pobjie here. I laughed my caucasian guts out reading this piece of his, and I’m not even racist (even though some of my best friends are).
Somehow I think you might find it less amusing if you didn’t have to face bigots like Ben Pobjie every single day.
Must be nice laughing your Caucasian guts out up in your ivory tower.
Antarctica is fairly free of racism and will stay that way unless they bring in a few polar bears on 457s.
amazingDave, you are amazing, at the top of the article it states clearly ‘SATIRE’
Doug M.
about as amusing as a Chaser’s skit on terminally-ill children…
Dear Everyone having a whinge.
I’m brown (a skinny Sri Lankan bitch, if you insist on labels) and I effing loved this brilliant piece of satire.
Now please go back to news.com.au and stop bothering smart people. KTHXBAI.
You’re right, Biuqs. Keanu Reeves IS pretty racist.
Thanks jewboy, glad you liked it!
Ben is extremely racist. He doesn’t even like me, and I’m white.
DougMe: "amazingDave, you are amazing, at the top of the article it states clearly ‘SATIRE’"
That it might do, DougMe, but it should say ‘RACISM’.
This article is clearly mocking racist people - it’s a statement against racism using the wonderful art of satire.
As for the Chaser skit, I find it incredible how many people are so upset about the ‘Make a realistic wish’ foundation but seem to have no problem with the Fritzl skit. Mocking sick children is bad, but mocking incest is ok?
Ben - you have hit the nail on the head yet again!! Pure satire gold.
From some of the comments above i think it is clear that the eugenics/ethnic cleansing practiced so far has been totally miss directed. We really need to focus on getting rid of humourless people who can’t understand SATIRE… Nigel.
first they came for the humorless, then the fatties…who’s next?
Is it just me, or do you all think the woman in the photo looks like the mother of the "chk-chk-boom" girl?
Sunili, have you ever thought of writing satire? You’re good! I laughed almost as much as I did at the article.
Ha Ha - if you want real digital debate and a Socratic existentialist argument against a group of thousands of bigots vs thousands of freedom fighters (60000+) check the facebook group: "Fuck Off We’re full"
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=48449193335
This is amazing debate and I must admit the best satire is that which is unconscious and self-deprecating in the very same instance. Ah Ship of Fools!
Happy Monday!
What all you people should realise is that it’s human nature to be intolerant and racist so if guys like Ben can get us to look at ourselves and others in an open way seeing how ridiculous we can be , how fear of others can cause us to react in a violent way to other races ,put yourself in my position 3 daughters one married a japanese ,one married a Chilean, worst of all one married a guy from Melbourne ,so imagine family gatherings no talking about SAVE THE WHALES ….2nd World war ..southAmerican poverty and dictatorships ,cocaine trafficking…I ilove rugby league ,not AFL but I have to say lovely ST KILDA won..My life is HELL<<
Just because an article has the heading SATIRE above it doesn’t make it so.
I think you need to revise your idea of funny, Ben.
"Just because an article has the heading SATIRE above it doesn’t make it so."
It does, actually. I think what you meant to say was "Just because I say something’s not funny doesn’t make it so."
Sorry, Jacqueline, you’ve been outvoted.
Ben, good job. Interesting reaction, too. I wonder if you’ve read Roger Ebert’s journal entry on Creationism, and it’s follow-up, "This is the dawning…" - just so you know you’re not alone in the clueless readership stakes. God, any more ambiguous and you could kill someone!
P.S. That pic looks like a casting-call for ‘Wicked"
I’m with you, Ben. Unbelievable reactions from the humourless - and I thought I was a self-righteous upstart. Keep it coming, you naughty racist.
Mr Pobjie,
Highly amusing as usual. Interesting how difficult it is for some people to even read some of this stuff. The idea that they have to be told that this is satire is a savage reading of your character, Ben, since if taken literally this stuff could send you to jail for some hate crime time.
While this may be a ploy to give you the time you need to finish writing your humorous master work, Mein Big Fat Kampf Wedding, I prefer to think you are being genuinely satirical.
amazingdave, was literaldave taken on the nm website? Unamazing dude.
Similarly Jacqueline. Just because he can project this stuff doesn’t mean Ben Pobjie believes it. Context after all is everything and newmatilda is I hope known for its satire more than its racist manifestos. You may have had a point if this had been printed in some right wing wank mag like, say, The Australian.
On the Chaser and the cancer kids I cannot believe the self righteous twats that have surfaced everywhere since this hit the news. The show is called War On Everything for fucks sake, how much more of a warning did they need. Like writing satire at the top of an article really.
Finally, in the offense catagory, what is the problem if Gordon Ramsey says that Tracy Grimshaw is ugly? Not only is it his right, it is factually and self evidently true. Many a night I have reeled back from the screen while channel surfing, briefly frightened Channel 9 had been taken over by zombies.
Thanks again Ben.
Forget Satire for a minute - and consider the seriousness of racism, for those who everyday it may implicate.
It feels deplorable to ask… But, when will Indian students feel free and safe again in this first-world city?
How many more car bombings, stabbings and bashings, and while I can agree that the article was quite funny, I question how subversive it was - many of the following comments have given me no confidence, but some activists, particularly fighting sexism have spoken up!
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=48449193335&ref=mf
Or search for the group - "Fuck Off We’re full"
And help re-train some of our intellectually impaired, get out of the hole that was made of Australia.
It took around three Australians in particular and a Kiwi to bring them down 60,000 members - Held in shame - frozen in a five hour armistice last night!
A battle won, for the time being, if you read the posts for the last two days prior to 7am this morning…
They will surface again for tiresome bouts of self-vilification and self deprecation that they are becoming ever so famous for, the site has been linked to a group of 70000 Indians, yet they’ve been gently advised, to keep this intellectual as the problem is indeed all to often psychological, oh well the final vomit of howards institutionalized liberal party racism thru its zero-tolerance hate obsessed media paranoid children.
This country needs a serious re-education! PEACE.
Don’t let Australia become South Africa!
And if you see anyone targeted or attacked take courage and back them up, especially if the cops don’t get off their arses, especially if they take it out even further on the Victims - Royal Commission?
We surely can’t remain apathetic and therefore somewhat complicit.
We can’t let a small minority of illiterate book burning idiots, take over this country as that is there obvious intention.
And please encourage your Indian friends, their understandably incensed and nervous.
Be strong don’t let a few racist idiots spoil the reputation of our otherwise tolerable country: peace!
Indeed the World is Watching. Your turn Australia.
Excellent! I’ve gotta find more of your work.
I just returned to Australia after an extended absence and my friends have already tired of me pointing out all the racist subtleties I’m noticing that have really truly surprised me, because, at the same time, it feels so multicultural here.
Too bad for the boorish commentators who can’t tell biting wit & satire when they see it.
Is Australia a humourless country? We might not be as bad as that beacon of idiocy, the US, (we’re also probably slightly better at geography) but scanning the many blogs and site where journalists scream for idiotic feedback, we’re either a country full of moronic dimwits or the vocal minority are very, very vocal and hell-bent on being offended at the slightest provocation.
On topic, my family situation gives me an automatic pass to say whatever I like and end it with "I’m not racist, my wife and kids are aboriginal". I gave up looking for a life partner with ambition and ability to live without Government handouts in order to gain this ‘free pass’ so I use it at every opportunity.
I’m still spewing that the bitch lied to me about getting a free 4 wheel drive from the Government every year and being able to ditch it when it ran out of fuel. I’m also not happy about having to pay money from my wages to feed and clothe my disadvantaged kids.
Irony, according to Koestler: "It can beat the opponent on his own ground by pretending to accept his premises, his values, his methods of reasoning, in order to expose their implicit absurdity."
Also:
"Must be nice laughing your Caucasian guts out up in your ivory tower."
Apart from this being a delicious piece of prose, I find it interesting how you didn’t say EBONY tower. RACIST.
Facebook must be racist as well for people such as the following have been reported - constantly, yet are likewise constantly ignored. What the hell is wrong with the ethical standards that bind this Corporation - or is there none?
The group Fuck off We’re Full
Why haven’t they been closed down haven’t the cops had enough time to do a sting mission, in the face of facebook’s apathy which has these creeps glorifying rape and murder.
Last year one of my best friends was murdered and many a girl I’ve met has been raped! Why the hell do we sit back and remain complicit with dangerous minds out to inflame HATE?
On a web server that has at least 2 000 000 Australians?
––––––––––––––––––––-
"Mikey Hutton wrote (most likely fake)
at 9:20pm yesterday
"we all know Mikey is a jew who hates the world"
Holy shit I’m a Nazi jew. What a predicament.
"MIKEY HUTTON you cowardly thug! where do you get off threatening someones friends? even if it is through a virtual medium. your 17:06 post has been reported. loser"
Eat a dick bitch. What do you care, you’ve only got 15 friends in your list and none of them know you.
Also Nick; I wouldnt bash Ben Parsons because he’s a teacher, I would bash him because he’s a dickwit who despises Aussie Pride. Imagine that, an Aussie who despises Aussie Pride. If anything deserves death…
Those that cant do, teach.
And teachers are part of the reason why so many Australians are self loathing unpatriotic pieces of shit. The education system is mostly to blame for Australians being convinced they are racist somehow.
So fuck teachers, fuck the media, and fuck anyone who does not believe in furthering the best interests of Australia."
bloody jews lol
Mikey Hutton wrote
at 9:20pm yesterday
Protect the welfare, security, expansion and advancement of Australia and kill anyone who gets in the way."
––––––––––––––––––––
This is the wasted cry of howard-alan jones’ vulnerable mindsets under their leaders ignorant yet (subtly? Perhaps not) suggestive controls.
Racism won’t simply go away if we ignore it, we have been and it has been catalyzed by and I will say it again for they did it over and over again, howards liberal government that acted as a catalyst and was unequivocally racist (e.g. refugees and scrapped racial discrimination act, Howard laughing when some idiot raves on nigga nigga pull the trigger as was seen on tv recently) and like sexism it must be vehemently challenged by a society that hopefully will learn to become compassionate and conscientious instead of dwelling in such vulgar hypocrisy!
PBodjietjie
Ironically yah misses - by more than an outback mile - the obtuse satirical truth¿
Does Oz not admit (to) a few token shades of tan, shielded by a strict factor 40 plus screening canker care - mostly so as not to glare too radiantly at Commonwealth sports meets or flare to whitely/britely into the void face of an international Polaroid arc-eye?
A fat w*g here, a skinny one there and before yah know it ‘chk chk KABOOM; KABOOM: KABOOM - BOOM – BOOM!’ & perhaps even a ‘CHA - CHA - CHA!’
Its palliative care, see - slip, slap, slop!
So Oz ain’t racist.
That’s why all 270 million Indonesian w.a.s.p.s are free to travel and relocate here - as they so wish.
(…and offer denied the (mostly) niggardly brethren from across the Tasman’s ditch.)
Its pejorative care, see - flip, flap, flop!
Oy vey¿
ps milli-graemef - concentrate!
Ben - humour, like beauty - is in the eye of the beholder.
Dr Dog - the same goes for you.
Come on Jacqueline, ‘Mein Big Fat Kampf Wedding’? In context I thought that was comedy gold.
Nothing? Really?
"humour, like beauty - is in the eye of the beholder"
Then why do you presume to tell people what’s funny and isn’t?
"Then why do you presume to tell people what’s funny and isn’t"?
You presume to tell everybody you’re funny, Ben, under the heading of Satire.
I’m just trying to point out that some of what you say is not funny TO ME.
Dr Dog
I can see you right now, at Adolf’s wedding with the party blowers and the bottle of Windex…
Hang on, doesn’t that fix everything?
(I hope he learned a little Greek). ;)
Oh Ben, the utter brilliance of you!
It reminds me of the first time I read Shakespeare’s ‘The Merchant of Venice’ at the ripe old age of 15 years. I remember thinking "How did Shakespeare not get strung up for having such an obvious dig at the hypocrisy of the much celebrated and self attesting virtuous Christian morality and Christian charity as practiced at that time?" Of course, some would argue that not much has changed in regard to Christian morality and charity……but who am I to question those who dictate what I should think and say? I mean to say, this is a democracy and I don’t own a newspaper corporation.
As I said, brilliant. Confronting and brilliant!
UnionMade, I genuinely don’t think I’ve ever been subject to a more flattering comparison. Thank you.