satire
9 Apr 2009
Word Up, Christendom!
These days, with so many people turning away from the Church, it's easy to forget what horrible, undeserving scum we are. newmatilda.com's Archbishop of Satire sends an Easter message to his flock
It is hard these days to escape the conclusion that we live in troubled times. Misery stalks at us every turn. Surrounded by stories of disaster, crime, economic catastrophe, environmental Armageddon and promiscuous televised lesbians, it can sometimes seem as though the human race is doomed to an irrevocable downward spiral and that life holds nothing for any of us but pain and sorrow and hyper-obesity.With the universe so cruel and indifferent to suffering, what's the point of anything? Does it really matter whether we keep going with our lives, or simply crawl into bed and while away the rest of our lives sobbing quietly over the inspirational tales of courage and internet fraud in That's Life magazine?
And it is because of this bleak and unnecessarily realistic view of life that Easter is such an important time of year. For Easter is a time for hope. A time for renewal. A time for faith and charity and quiet reflection. A time for patronising Easter messages to flood the media with their simple sentiments of love and religious intolerance. Not for nothing is Easter called "Christmas's uninteresting little sister".
Easter has always been an important date on the Australian spiritual calendar. Indeed, it dominates the first third of every year. The festivities begin in January, when folk everywhere gather together for the traditional Bitching About The Premature Selling Of Easter Eggs, and everywhere the air is filled with the sound of happy, whiny voices. Mid-January is in fact the happiest time of the year in this country, when all the weighty issues of the world slip into the background and we are united in our hatred of supermarkets that force us to look at chocolate rabbits before we're ready.
After this comes Lent, when good Christians prepare themselves for the celebration of Easter via a period of sacrifice and self-denial. It is customary for Lent to be marked by the giving up of something important to the individual — for example, in Australia, it is traditional to give up knowing what Lent is.
Following Lent comes the big day itself — Good Friday, when we commemorate the sacrifice of Our Lord Jesus, who selflessly allowed himself to be nailed to a cross in order to spare the human race from God's holy bloodlust.
It's important to take some time, this Easter, to reflect on Christ's sacrifice. These days, with so many people turning away from the Church and finding themselves "too busy" to pay attention to religion, it's easy to forget just what horrible, undeserving scum we are. That's the price we pay for ignoring George Pell. But Easter is a time when we can step back from the "rat race" for a few days and rediscover our deep inner guilt. A time to reconnect with our innately filthy souls.
Of course, as the story goes, Jesus rose from the dead three days after Good Friday, which is why we celebrate the resurrection on Easter Sunday — a recognition of the miracle, mystery and poor maths of the Christian story. We celebrate this with the traditional Easter symbols of the cross, representing death; eggs, representing rebirth; and rabbits, representing devastating agricultural plagues.
In many ways we can see that the Easter long weekend — Good Friday, Easter Saturday, Easter Sunday, Easter Monday — is a metaphor for the four stages of life: Depression, Shopping, Over-eating, and Boredom. Easter is, indeed, the holiday which more than any other informs us about who we are, where we are going, and why we are all so fat. That is why it remains the most sacred of days for people of all faiths: Christian, Catholic, Anglican, Presbyterian — all of them.
But I know what you're saying. You're saying, "Why is this normally incisive political commentator writing on such esoteric religious matters, rather than cutting to the quick of the social discourses that shape our experience as citizens, as he usually does?"
And yes, there is a reason that I have chosen to send an Easter message rather than dissecting the minutiae of parliamentary procedure or eviscerating the mighty and powerful with my usual irrepressible wit.
As I noted earlier, we are in trouble. If we are not about to be blown up by terrorists, we are almost certain to starve to death after being made redundant by a major multinational automotive company. If our job remains intact, it is only so that we can support ourselves up to the point where we are drowned by rising seas or baked alive by an ever-hotter atmosphere. And should we somehow avoid the hot suffocating embrace of global warming, we will probably be shot by bikies or mauled by chimps or raped by footballers. Even our own governments are out to get us, with the news this week that Kevin Rudd wants to extend sinister information-carrying cables right into our homes. Big Brother, welcome to Australia.
Yes, there is indeed nothing good to say about what's in store. But still, at Easter we can put all that aside. We can join hands, and look with warmth and compassion upon our fellow man. We can remember the less fortunate among us, and kindly, sincerely, move on to less depressing thoughts. We can sit with our loved ones and share moments of peace and goodwill, stuffing our chubby faces, leaving the inevitable Type 2 diabetes to be dealt with another day. We can rejoice in what is best in mankind, and live, for just a few days, in a gentler, simpler time. A time of smartie-filled bunnies and morning egg hunts and jerky stop-motion bible stories on TV. A time when yes, we truly can believe that if we are good, a gigantic rodent will slip silently into our bedrooms while we sleep.
So, this Easter, I beg you — don't think about the wider world. Put down your newspapers, turn off the news. Take a break from Chinese takeovers and global downturns and Middle Eastern violence and crybaby air-force staff.
This Easter, take some time to remember what's really important: the temporary heartfelt adherence to a dominant religious doctrine in order to reassure ourselves of our innate moral righteousness in the face of overwhelming contrary evidence.
And I think there's something about fish.
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That is some funny stuff, Ben! Totally irreverent - totally fitting.
Nice, Ben, NIce. 17 out of 15 or whichever fraction you would prefer for "giving 110%"
Christ, that’s funny!!!!
Ben, Ben, where to begin? Well, for starters, tell me more about this overwhelming contrary evidence? Not that you would put it forward with any moral righteousness, no no, I’m sure it’s just the simple truth, isn’t it?
Oh wait…satire. Oh, you were trying to be funny! Lucky you tagged it satire, hey? You see, I wouldn’t have known because I don’t have a sense of humour being religious and all that. Christian actually, god forbid.
Word Up, Christendom, new matilda just hit new lows.
"Well, for starters, tell me more about this overwhelming contrary evidence?"
I’m pretty sure it’s in the Bible, Catherine. I distinctly remember something about "all have fallen short". I definitely think the preponderance of evidence is against our being morally righteous, not in favour of it. But if you think you are actually in possession of innate moral righteousness, I suppose that’s what separates people like you from people like us. Our humility.
"You see, I wouldn’t have known because I don’t have a sense of humour being religious and all that. Christian actually, god forbid."
That’s OK, we’re none of us perfect. Some of my best friends don’t have senses of humour.
Some of my favorite saviors don’t have a sense of humor, either. Luckily for you, Jesus can take a joke. (Watch out for the Holy Ghost, though — I hear that people who piss him off don’t have a chance.)
Well, well, well…Ben!
[ho, ho, ho etc etc :P]
This part in particular tickled my fancy:
"In many ways we can see that the Easter long weekend — Good Friday, Easter Saturday, Easter Sunday, Easter Monday — is a metaphor for the four stages of life: Depression, Shopping, Over-eating, and Boredom. Easter is, indeed, the holiday which more than any other informs us about who we are, where we are going, and why we are all so fat. That is why it remains the most sacred of days for people of all faiths: Christian, Catholic, Anglican, Presbyterian — all of them".
One of my pet irks is panic buying for a long weekend; people buying out the store in preparation for Armageddon or something - geezes, how much easter choccy can you run out of on a weekend (just ask the kids) …
guess Easter falls into that category!
Enjoyed your funnyness today…:P bet you spent most of your week in the supermarket stocking up on your googy-eggs, Ben…where’s mine?? :P
Now here’s a little something for you someone sent me last night, in light of the comment made by benmcd:
*Happy Easter* one and all :)
A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off
and enjoying a round of golf.
The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.
He missed the ball entirely and said "Sh * it, I missed."
The good Sister told him to watch his language.
On his next swing, he missed again. "Sh * it, I missed."
"Father, I’m not going to play with you if you keep swearing,"
the nun said tartly..
The priest promised to do better and the round continued.
On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.
Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to
strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."
On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again.
"Sh * it, I missed."
A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes
out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.
And from the sky comes a booming voice …….
"Sh * it, I missed."
See, even God says naughty words :P
All very well for those people who want to, and possibly need to, believe in fairy stories in order to live.
I have no need whatsoever for belief in man-made fairy stories, old or new, and seem to be able to survive and to be reasonably comfortable in my living without having to lean heavily on a parasitic myth.
I pity those who do. And detest those who are so arrogant in their crazy beliefs that they want to impose those beliefs on the rest of us, and the rest of humanity, for that matter. Dazza.
Hahaa… Got a good giggle out of that piece, good work Ben.
But what really cracked me up was, a Christian - asking for evidence.
Now thats funny!
I feel like in the last week NewMatilda has gotten more street — that can only be a good thing.
Mad props Ben, keep your chin up and your articles phat.
Then there’s the one about the nun who on good friday overcome with compassion or just passion approaches her favourite priest whom she admires greatly.
"father I have somethings for you…
"yes sister what have you" She pulls out a bottle of fine Scotch from under her habit…
"Ah sister you are an angel he says,
Then she undoes her top buttons from her blouse, and asks "Now do you want to play around? The glee struck priest replies
"Mercy me sister have you got golf balls under there?" ha ha
Better though is the Rabbi who whilst playing golf one sabbath, scores a hole in one time and time again, until the 18th hole, when the devil appears and offers a perfect 18 score for his soul.
The Rabbi replies, "don’t be silly, who would I be able to tell?"
A Rabbi and Priest collide at an intersection, the rabbi quickly gets out and takes a bottle of scotch from the glove box.
Father father are you ok? Yes yes I’m fine just a bit shaken.
The rabbi then insists they drink a toast in gratitude for the ‘miraculous’ event. He gives the bottle to the Priest first who drinks a liberal quantity. The priest gives the bottle back to the rabbi who says no thanks, now I have to make a phone call to the Police.
Now an oldy but a goody,
A Priest and rabbi are sitting on a train.
They strike up a conversation during the journey.
The priest sees a pig in paddock and asks the Rabbi, "Have you ever tried pork? The Rabbi thinks and says "I have to confess I did once".
Priest…Well did you likie it?
Rabbi… Yes it was very tasty
A little further along the Rabbi looks at a young couple with their hands all over each other, "Father have you ever had sex?"
Yes Rabbi when I was just a young priest I succombed once to temptation…" Well said the Rabbi, how was it?"
Priest…It was better than pork!
May your holidays be better than pork, hee hee Oli
Even as a fairy tale the Christian Easter story makes absolutely no sense: "God loved us so much that he sacrificed his only son for it." In what way did this help us? Is the world now without sin?
Would you have your son crucified because you love the world? The "mystery" is that so many people repeat such crap without giving it a minute’s thought. Give me the Easter Bilby anytime.
""God loved us so much that he sacrificed his only son for it." In what way did this help us? Is the world now without sin?"
No, because he did it wrong: his son came back. Try again, God, and get it right this time.
Ben gives himself mad props…
But I know what you’re saying. You’re saying, "Why is this normally incisive political commentator writing on such esoteric religious matters, rather than cutting to the quick of the social discourses that shape our experience as citizens, as he usually does?"
This article seems to be a resurrection of something Ben wrote in high skool (possibly a catholik high skool?). The comments that are ment to be funny and entertaining might make the average person chuckle for a second whilst reading it, but the article certainly doesn’t deserve a second review.
I’m guessing it was a B average for creative writing?? lol