The Worst Thing On The Internet is a new regular column in the soon to be re-launched new Matilda magazine.
Just how big a w*nker is Matthew McConaughey? Well, based on appearance alone, at 50-something years of age he’s that guy who still wears orange Bono-style sunglasses, and his baseball cap on backwards. So yeah, he looks like a wanker. But is McConaughey just misunderstood? Under that desperate, laboured appearance, is he really just a gentle boob looking for a place to express himself?
Well, if what he says publicly is anything to go by then yeah… McConaughey is definitely a wanker. A gigantic, hairy, juicy one.
Like a growing number of celebrities, McConaughey has recently had someone set him up his own Youtube channel, so that he can wax and wane lyrical and hand out all sorts of wise tidbits from his remarkable life. Because nothing says ‘I’m starved of relevance’ more than a celebrity lecturing the public on everything from the ‘importance of journaling’ to ‘not leaving crumbs’ as you move through the world.
In this video he explains how he ‘likes the three-strike rule’ by pointing to the life and nature of The Incredible Hulk. I shit you not. He opens the video with the line, ‘Yeah as far as super heroes go, mine’s always been the Incredible Hulk’, as though someone actually helpfully asked him that inane question just before they switched the camera on. Which they didn’t.
In this video, if McConaughey were auditioning for the part of ‘breezy paedophile’, he’d definitely get a call back. Behold ‘Exhibit A’, which we’ve tweaked slightly for affect.
And in this video McConaughy explains, ‘another thing I like about journaling…’ as though he’s the guy who either thought of it, or at the very least made it cool.
But perhaps the stupidest advice he gives – and he delivers it with the sort of ‘casual Southern gravitas’ that suggests he thinks it’s the wisest thing ever uttered – is that as you move through life, you shouldn’t “leave crumbs”.
“Don’t leave crumbs? What do I mean?” he says, opening with another question that no-one ever asked him. “What I mean is, if I pick your pocket, I might get what I want in the moment… but for the rest of my life, I gotta dodge you if I see you in the room. I gotta look over my shoulder. Whose time is that taking?”
Well… listening to this fluff is taking OUR time, which we’ll never get back, so to move things along, here’s the pearl of wisdom you waited for: “My time in the future! It’s buying my time in the future! It’s causing me stress in the future. That’s leaving crumbs. Don’t leave crumbs.”
Wow. Awesome. Wow. Or you could just decide not to steal from people not because it may inconvenience you sometime down the track, but because it’s shitty thing to do. Narcissism much, Matthew?
McConaughey’s other life gem worth noting is ‘make a to do list at night’, and “put fun stuff on it, like ‘Have my first cup of coffee'”.
Obviously, if making your first cup of coffee in the morning is something you consider ‘fun’ (not to mention worth journaling about), then you should kill yourself. And of course what McConaughey the Wise is suggesting is that you should make a list that includes all the things you would have done anyway, so that you can tick stuff off and feel like a winner…even though you didn’t actually achieve the extra things for which making a list would seem worth it. In any event, we’ve made up a list for Matthew.
- Wake up and remember how awesome I am.
- Go to bathroom and admire my pecs, my man bun, and my general hotness.
- Go and look at my Oscar.
- Polish my Oscar.
- Read my list from the night before, focussing on the fun things I added. Like numbers 6 and 7.
- Look at my abs.
- Polish my abs.
- Go to the toilet. Do the best poo I can do, then tweet about it.
- Emphasize being mindful of what you put in your body, and the importance of ethically-sourced organic fibre in a modern diet.
- Snort a big ass line of cocaine, and have my first rumbo for the day.
- Stick my finger up my bum, just because it’s fun.
- Sniff my finger.
- Remember to tell no-one about the bum-finger incident. Or the sniffing.
- Think about my next Youtube video for all the Little People out there who hang on my every word, and look to me for Hollywood wisdom.
- Make my Youtube video.
- Await the adulation.
McConaughey is as tragic example it’s possible to find of what happens to someone who lives a life of extreme privilege, where literally no-one around him ever tells him the word ‘no’. As in, ‘No Matthew, that video makes you seem like a paedophile.’
Or ‘No Matthew, people don’t do that fake ‘whistle’ thing anymore. It wasn’t cool when you started doing it in the early 1980s, and it certainly isn’t cool now.’
We’ll drop back in occasionally to find more McConaughey words of wisdom. But for now, one star for Worst Thing On The Internet.
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