This is NOT fake news… because frankly there isn’t sufficient weed on the planet to unleash enough creativity to come up with a story like this.
Okay, so this gets a little weird. You’ve been warned.
A few weeks ago, New Matilda stumbled across a tweet from the head of the Australian Christian Lobby, Lyle Shelton, objecting to people sending him nasty letters about Adolf Hitler.
Lyle, while light-heartedly noting that people were mailing him lots of glitter, took a sterner tone towards the Nazi stuff, and included a picture of what he’d received… replete with the envelope which revealed that the ACL has a Reply Paid postal service.
So this is what arrived in the post today along with all the glitter. Let’s keep it respectful please. Thank you. pic.twitter.com/xDuWtMozQE
— Lyle Shelton (@LyleShelton) August 22, 2017
And so naturally, New Matilda published details of the Reply Paid service, and urged our readers to send glitter, which Lyle would actually have to pay for.
The story went viral, and I think we can all agree… well played New Matilda. #yourewelcomelyleshelton
However, since then, we’ve been getting all sorts of random emails warning us that we’re going to hell. Make that Hell with a capital H.
This afternoon, a man named ‘Fade Nissan’ reached out, to let us know that “the devil is very smart”. Fade Nissan, of course, sounds like a character from Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, a movie full of false idols… ipso facto we reminded Fade that in all likelihood, he would probably be joining us.
Undeterred, Fade referred us to the video below, in which a clearly delusional man, Mario Martinez, claims to have been to Hell, survived, and is now back to tell us what it’s like.
Long story short, it’s apparently quite warm.
The video is 31 minutes long (so, you know, spark one up before you sit down to watch it) and includes this especially excellent description: “Mario Martinez grew up in the projects on the east side of Los Angeles. His father was a drunkard.”
There’s a particularly enjoyable bit 9 mins 25 seconds in, where Mario explains what the fires of Hell sound like. There’s a lot of ‘whooshing’.
Most notably, 14 mins 27 seconds in (yes, we watched it that far so you don’t have to), Mario appears to confirm that there are no “breasts” in Hell… actually he may be trying to suggest there’s no ‘rest’ in Hell, but he has a pretty thick accent. You can decide for yourself, but bear in mind, whether there’s no ‘breasts’ or no ‘rest’, it’s “the least of your problems, not sleeping or drinking, it’s the torture you’re going through with all these demons”. Which, let’s face it folks, sounds pretty bloody serious.
Even worse, there are also “rivers of fire” which might actually sound unoriginal until Mario adds his own spice, revealing that they also contain “eyes and skeletons”: “Those were the lesbians, those were the homosexuals, these were the gay men.” Don’t say you weren’t warned lesbians, homosexuals and gay men.
Notably, they were all “chained together”… iron, apparently, not melting in the fiery depths of hell, which is excellent news for Gina Reinhart and Twiggy Forrest.
In any event, you read it first on New Matilda first folks… and if you’d like to join us, that address again is ‘Australian Christian Lobby, Reply Paid 83063, Deakin ACT 2600’.
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