Do Not Adjust Your Barbecues

TOP SECRET MEMORANDUM

BRAND-NEW TOP-NOTCH ALP MEDIA GUIDELINES — Asylum Seekers (DRAFT)

FROM: Kevin Rudd, PM

To: Sitting ALP Members
CC: True Believers, Party Faithful

Good afternoon, team.

Here’s the thing, folks: some of you have noticed that what Lindsay T has memorably called our "smash-’em-beneath-Thor’s-giant-ox-knuckle-studded-war-hammer" 2010 victory strategy is at odds with Labor’s old refugee policy. Some people are worried about this. Am I worried about it? Not on your Nelly. Why? If we want to win, here’s what we have to do. Act paranoid about a small subgroup of foreigners.

Some of you have reported to me that this tough new stance is in danger of becoming a "barbecue stopper". Yep, folks, several inner-city fry-ups have been substantially delayed — it’s only a matter of time before they’re terminated altogether. That’s just not on.

I’ll say this now: I will not allow Australia’s off-season barbecue schedule to be thrown into turmoil — no way. The following guidelines are intended to clarify how this delicate issue should be covered when talking to Prius owners and those who purchase non-iceberg lettuce varieties.

Firstly, there seems to have been a misunderstanding in regard to just where Australia’s borders do lie. Some of you, I know, are still adherents of the traditional Clausewitzian system and that whole states possessing fixed borders underwritten by international law deal.

We’re at sixes and sevens here, guys: let’s all get on the same page. Fixed borders, like Shane Warne’s underwear, can be unduly restrictive. Our new borders are hypothetically analogous to a pair of Aussie flag boxer shorts with dodgy elastic, which expands and contracts according to a man’s fluctuating daily needs.

So from now on, guys, I’ll tell you that the extent of Australia’s borders can be determined according to the following quasi-logarithmic, heavily streamlined formula — precisely derived from a specially commissioned celebrity focus group starring our honorary foreign policy adviser, Cate Blanchett:

B (km) = LNPR x ATC x PE ÷ NOB

where:

LNPR = Latest Newspoll results for Labor (per cent)
ATC = Abbott Triathlon Coefficient (no. of hours Abbott portrays himself as a mindless jock)
PE = Proximity to election (weeks)
NOB = Number of boats arriving per month

As the border’s dimensions are inversely proportional to boat arrivals, some naysayers have pointed out that the exclusion zone could eventually encompass the entire Australian mainland.

Well, I can promise you today that Australia won’t get any smaller than my backyard before the next election — not on my watch. I’ll meet you at the Lodge for a barbecue if it comes to that. And consider this, guys: the entire universe was infinitesimally small before the Big Bang rocked along, so don’t get your knickers in a twist about space concerns.

Some of you have asked why I chose to demote Afghanistan and Sri Lanka to "unsafe to process" status. I’m hearing the question, and I’d be glad to answer it. It’s because these countries rank tragically low on my quadratically derived "Club Meds per capita" wellbeing index. To address this imbalance, our rigorously workshopped subsidiary refugee intake scheme will accept two destitute Bahamanians or Canary Islanders for every person from uninhabitable war-torn desert wasteland hellholes. We believe we’ve got the balance right.

Sri Lanka falls down on the brand-new "food and customs" subcategory (see vol.6 division 3iii of the relevant classificatory document). Sri Lankans therefore can’t be easily integrated into Australia’s complex multicultural fabric. Their cuisine is too irredeemably strange to become a McDonald’s ethnically themed hamburger of the month — now a prerequisite for citizenship. It’s part of the plan.

I’ll just add that the econometric figures suggest, folks, that these stringent new measures are working: our "skilled migrant" program now presents an insurmountable hurdle for both countries, as each lacks vital shovel-ready skills required for Australia’s continued prosperity. Here I’m thinking of concealed coal-lobbying backgrounds and political apathy.

Many of you have asked me to clarify how our new tough policy might be defended at dinner parties or other socio-merriment public demonstration events. It’s time to say: I get it. What do you tell distraught asylum seekers whose countries have arbitrarily been labelled "evil"? In response, I have tailored a rock-solid explanation that can be routinely administered to rejected asylum seekers of each invalid nationality, as well as to their supporters.

For Afghanis, the following discourse-specific response may frequently be situationally applicable: "We gave you guys an amazing democracy — so what’s the problem? Jeez, I wish we had your robust, donkey-and-opium-based economy in Australia — chillax!"

For Sri Lankans, I’d strongly recommend that you make these salient points: "Yeah, great place. Tea, cricket, saris — it’s like a sunnier version of England without the BNP! And it’s not like we’re bashing your students up or anything, so stop acting as if we owe you!"

Many of you are asking how our new refugee policy can somehow be related to climate change. I won’t lie to you: it’s a major challenge reaching across the fence to Green and Conservative folks. Well, I’m pleased to tell you today that the problem has now been addressed. Think Albedo, guys. It’s not rocket science: dark surfaces absorb heat, light surfaces reflect it. Folks of, shall we say, "browner" persuasions will increase Australia’s Albedo by a far crack. I asked the pointy-heads about this, and it’s true. These gratuitously heat-absorbing people have got to go, for Gaia’s sake.

I hope that the above goes some way towards clarifying what I’m calling Labor’s refugee "double-turn-with-pike" (not, remember, to be called a "backflip"). If there are any other countries that you can’t pronounce or don’t like the shape of, give me a tinkle!

Cheers,

Kev