The Ungrammatical Hansard

Stephen Smith: Mr Speaker, I am honoured tonight to announce two measures to increase our commitment to international aid, going forward into the future. Occasioned by a future of resource scarcity, and destructive tendencies of over consumption, it is now time to revive, resuscitate and rekindle and er … er … sorry Mr Speaker I have lost my thesaurus. Ah yes, to renew the idea of good international citizenship among Australian cricket fans, sorry Mr Speaker, among Australian citizens.

Necessarily, some reduction in life choices, product acquisition and budget bonuses will follow, in turn, and will follow, Mr Speaker.

The Speaker: The Leader of the Opposition has a point of order?

Brendan Nelson: Mr Speaker, every time Australians go to petrol bowsers, they must understand that petrol is five cents more expensive…

The Speaker: The Honourable Leader of the Opposition will return to his seat, that is not a pint of beer … I mean a point of order.

Stephen Smith: Thank you Mr Speaker. We are very strongly of the view … very strongly, I stress Mr Speaker, of the view that … yes, as I was saying, perhaps it is better for me to read this speech?

While luck of geographical birth has unduly and indiscriminately determined global access to the fundamentals of consumptive life, we recognise and commit to the luck of what might be called our aristocracy of birth, which has afforded us the pleasures of the consumptive life.

Now Mr Speaker, if I may digress, as a government, we are beholden to the taxariate not to foreign alms-seekers and beggars Mr Speaker. I would underline the point there is no sense of shame in our good fortune. I underlined that point, Mr Speaker. And I underline this point, Mr Speaker. It is right to maintain our borders, adjudicate entry, and police the prudent dispensation of taxes against a global torrent of refugee migration, barbaric wars, and structural adjustment riots.

That being said, Mr Speaker, the social contract that we uphold to Australian citizens is made real not merely in the civil peace, stability and peace, and order, and peacefulness that generates growth, but in our commitment to the global aid-tithe. While short of the ideal aid commitment of 0.7 per cent of GDP, our current 0.3 per cent of GDP bespeaks the spirit of Australia’s generosity. It reflects the Australian Government’s, the Australian nation’s, and the Australian people’s position and view that we are a good mob, at heart. But Mr Speaker, our aristocracy of birth, would be greater still were we to return to the spirit of noblisee oblige. There is greatness in realising and progressing that we can do more. This government has given contemplation to these matters, contemplation Mr Speaker, consideration, thought. And we have concluded that the road to that progressing, Mr Speaker, lies in reprising our reputation as a good international citizen in the world of the needy.

The Speaker: The Member for Wentworth, a point of order?

Malcolm Turnbull: Mr Speaker, I do not understand what the Foreign Minister is saying, his torturous attempt at erudition reminds me no less than some suburban upstart mumbling Latin at Sydney Grammar in the hope they will pass muster over supper. Mr Speaker, the house must stand up for good speech, Mr Speaker, I implore you to maintain house standards.

The Speaker: The Member for Wentworth will resume his seat. The Minister for Foreign Affairs will continue. Please be clear.

Stephen Smith: Mr Speaker marking this commitment tonight, we are pleased to announce the following measures, aimed at redistributing wealth to the wretched of the earth, while maintaining dignity and wellbeing at home.

Our first measure, Mr Speaker is an AID-tax on cosmetics The cosmetic revolution has allowed the fountain of youth to enhance the lives of many millions of Australians, male and female, Australians, both those who came here, those who were made here, and those who never got here Mr Speaker – I mean the unborn, Mr Speaker, not the ones on the opposition benches, Mr Speaker. All are beneficiaries of a prosperous Australia. The Australian Government commits to the imposition of a 2 per cent tax on all cosmetic purchases made above $100, allowing richer Australians, who are often too busy to act on their charitable impulse, an opportunity to fulfil their noblisee oblige. As well as cream medication Mr Speaker, this measure includes, Mr Speaker, Botox injections, liposuction for cosmetic purposes, eye and nose jobs, butt-reduction and enlargement, and Mr Speaker penile enlargement.

The Speaker: A point of order? The member for O’Connor has the floor.

Wilson Tuckey: Mr Speaker, I’m not sure about the Minister of Foreign Affairs, he might have a big head, but I don’t know about that other thing, Mr Speaker, but a tax on penile enlargement, Mr Speaker is just not a fair cop. Now that this Ruddy government has placed a tax on so-called luxury cars, where will all the small-dicked men go, Mr Speaker. It’s a feminist plot Mr Speaker. The Deputy Prime Minister may smile, but why is she wearing trousers? The great thing about Australia Mr Speaker is that we can all have big dicks or sports cars … Mr Speaker. Where does it stop, Mr Speaker? Castration?

The Speaker: Order, Order! The Member for O’Connor will leave the house immediately.

Stephen Smith: Thank You Mr Speaker. Secondly Mr Speaker, we will discontinue the scheme whereby daily accommodation allowances paid to honourable members of house are used to pay rent to a spouse who is purchasing the property so rented. [Indistinct shouting can be heard from the opposition benches.]

The Speaker: Order! Order! Order in the House, the Member for Wentworth, will return to his seat. I said the Member for Wentworth will return to his gilded seat!

Stephen Smith: Mr Speaker, All savings from this measure, audited, committed, and going forward Mr Speaker, will be used to enable an annual meeting in London of the League of Parliamentarians Concerned with the Construction of Affordable Housing in the Lesser Developed World.

The Speaker: The Minister of Foreign Affairs will resume his seat. Yes, the Leader of the Opposition?

Brendan Nelson: Mr Speaker, a matter that lies gravely on the hearts of Australians right now, in the context of the speech on international AID, is the question of petrol …

The Speaker: The Leader of the Opposition will resume his seat. You are out of turn.

Brendan Nelson: Mr Speaker, I would merely like to suggest that the Foreign Minister has ignored a fourth measure that would help the needy of the world. May I, Mr Speaker?

The Speaker: Go on, but be warned to speak to the topic! The Leader of the Opposition

Brendan Nelson: Mr Speaker, the needs of the common people around the world are at the heart of tonight’s discussion. I see no better way for the Government to make real its commitment and sincerity by speaking to the battlers, those who may well be privileged by birth, Mr Speaker, but who battle no less … I would like to announce that every time someone fills up at the petrol …

The Speaker: Order, Order! Return to your seat!! Return at once!

Brendan Nelson: Mr Speaker you can not stop me from caring for the people of the world, I say it one more time, every time some one fills up at the petrol station, they should know Mr Speaker it will be 5 cents cheaper under a Nelson government. This is the greatest issue, Mr Speaker that faces us today.

The Speaker: You are given one last warning, return to your seat. The Minister of Foreign Affairs, would you like to resume?

Stephen Smith: Mr Speaker, I believe less is more Mr Speaker, diminishing what you say over time and in brief is better than more, going on indefinitely, without end is better than saying less, I mean more, so I will leave it there Mr Speaker.