Aries
Tom Waits sang about a Chocolate Jesus back in ’99, but artist Cosimo Cavallaro best known for covering a lobby in cheese actually made one: six foot and complete with messianic uglies. The Manhattan exhibition was quickly shut down by rabid Puritans. All I’m saying is be careful of realising your fantasies in public.
Taurus
If you’re celebrating Passover this week, try and do so without offending mainstream Australian values. I wouldn’t bother painting blood on your front door this year. The neighbours already have the terrorist hotline on speed dial. No-one can tell a hijab from a kippah these days, and it’s better to be safe than deported.
Gemini
You should have a lot more energy after Easter, possibly as a result of high blood sugar levels. But you don’t need to be Augustus Gloop to get the Golden Ticket that is your due. Simply draw a pentagram on the loungeroom floor, find a small goat, and oh, okay, you’re probably on the right track.
Cancer
Your enhanced emotional insight is an asset in close relationships. Sensitive New Age Cancerians are a dime a dozen, but this week your empathic abilities verge on the psychic. To avoid suspicion, pretend to be a callous dickhead for at least five minutes per day.
Leo
The US will soon be making tourists sign a declaration that they weren’t mistreated as they fly out of LAX. At least you have learned an important lesson in life: the difference between 20 years and parole is a presentable haircut. I hope that all Leos pay extra attention to their personal grooming standards this week.
Virgo
Standing around in a hardhat is par for the political course. In an election year, you might be forgiven for feeling like a human peanut. But when you get down to Tassie, you’ll find out why. Between the pulp mill and the CFMEU, you will be dodging some heavy projectiles this week.
Libra
Nothing much seems to be happening to you this week, but don’t be fooled. As doors close and open, you will get glimpses of what is going on behind the scenes. But now is not the time for dithering in the wings. Get on stage and say your piece. You’ll be surprised how well your ideas are received.
Scorpio
Tony Abbott says that the shameful state of indigenous health is a result of poor education, literacy, and housing in fact, anyone’s portfolio but his. The Mad Monk of Warringah is getting things backwards, and so are you, as Pluto jerks you out of synch this week. Try not to say anything too daft.
Sagittarius
Your week is best represented by Monday’s natural disaster. Much as we are all affected by deaths in the Solomons, I feel that you have been worrying about your own personal wave of destruction only to find out that it is fifteen centimetres high! Don’t you feel like a right chicken-heart now?
Capricorn
Unemployed Londoner Steve Cooper has taken up residence in Gujarat, India, where he is worshipped as a goddess he chooses to call ‘Pamela.’ Far be it from me to judge Britons abroad, but I feel there is a cautionary tale here. Beware, when you travel, of making such crude snubs at Karma especially in her hometown.
Aquarius
As the planet of testosterone leaves you this week, you had best dust yourself off and apologise to any china shops you may have trampled recently. I appreciate that the occasional rampage is a necessary offering to whatever gods you secretly fear, but are you aware they also accept ritual burnings of spent bus tickets?
Pisces
You have a brief window this week when you are possessed of both the will and the wherewithal to change your life. Fortuitous coincidences will assist you in unexpected ways. If, by chance, you become hopelessly lost in traffic, you are almost certainly going the right way.
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