Aries
Aries Elton John turned sixty last week, celebrating in his usual extravagant style. You don’t have to book Madison Square Gardens, but I’d like to suggest you express a similar respect for milestones this week. The planets offer you an overflowing sense of rightness that should be commemorated.
Taurus
Taureans who are former (or soon-to-be-former) state Liberals might be feeling quite sorry for themselves this week. Well, if you got caught share trading it’s your own fault, and if you didn’t, then you’re obviously just boring. It’s lucky you have a healthy disdain for popularity contests.
Gemini
Have you ever wanted to swim the English Channel? What about flying around the world in a hot air balloon shaped like a giant peanut? Silly ideas will take hold of you until Tuesday, when you realise you haven’t the faintest idea how to go through with them. This April Fools, the joke is well and truly on you.
Cancer
Cancerian Brigitte Mohnhaupt was recently paroled after serving 24 years for killing some cops with the Red Army Faction. This week, you will be considering some of your past actions in light of present circumstances. Do you regret taking up arms against the state? Didn’t think so.
Leo
It’s a fairly lucky week for Leos, but not in love. It appears that any fortune headed your way will either go straight to the child support payments or be wasted on a string of unsuccessful dates. If it’s the latter, be sure and take them to a movie you wanted to see anyway.
Virgo
This week’s Virgo superhero is still Kevin. Bespectacled nerd by day, but put him in a corner and throw shit at him and ta-da! Nothing sticks! You’re going to need all the Teflon you can get this week as power plays go for the throat and your rivals turn even nastier. Practice your wax on, wax off skills.
Libra
Everything will cool right down this week. The difficult soup you’ve been swimming through will soon congeal to the point where you can climb out of the pot. Once scalding carrot bits will become little stepping-stones across the surface. I wish I hadn’t started that analogy.
Scorpio
Apparently David Hicks told his lawyer that if he was supposed to be the worst kind of criminal in the world then ‘the world hasn’t got much to worry about.’ I predict your feelings of futility will be turned into equally hopeful statements as a seemingly never-ending battle might have an end in sight.
Sagittarius
Pluto goes retrograde this weekend, which means, among other things, that everyone is going to be short-tempered until then. Fortunately, you’ll be too busy getting what you want to take much notice as your luck converges neatly with the moral high ground. Your power song for the week is ‘U Can’t Touch This.’
Capricorn
Constructively occupied British scientists have advised dart players that aiming for the bullseye is not the best strategy. Novice players should aim three centimetres to the left. They haven’t extrapolated their findings to novice assassins, but I’m thinking indirect attacks are the way to go this week.
Aquarius
A single hour of corporate lights-out is supposed to put Sydney’s conscience to sleep this weekend. If in the Emerald City, I propose you spend the hour unscrewing bulbs and opening doors for homeless people. The planets will allow you to get away with cheeky acts of troublemaking. Time to expose that Wizard.
Pisces
Turkish women recently kicked off a daring campaign, donning moustaches to protest against their under-representation in parliament. The stunt seems to have paid off. This April Fool’s think about the power of disguise, consider the long tradition of radical drag, and make some gender mischief.
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