Pisces
Been acting like a kook, even for you? Confusion will up and dissipate over the weekend. If you’ve been standing on bewilderment as on a soapbox, prepare for a minor tumble. When you pick yourself up you’ll be more relaxed and confident but the grass stains will hint at your real nature. Wear green.
Aries
Did you know that Victorian vets have successfully implanted a child-sized pacemaker into a 15-year-old domestic cat? I’d like you to meditate on that feat, Aries, as you wonder whether to extend the life of something dear to you. A mangy, incontinent companion might be due for a trade-in.
Taurus
You will be feeling a real sense of belonging to a community, especially over the weekend you might even find your dream nerd association. Meanwhile, your personal cupid has been shooting in all directions like an American soldier on crystal meth. Now’s the time to sort out your victims.
Gemini
If you managed to decide to accept your recent indecisiveness, you’d better revise your decision, because there’s some decisive decisions to be made. While deciphering that sentence, for example, you could have been working out your ideal future career. Don’t worry, getting there is easy just say yes to everything for a while.
Cancer
The Mayans of Guatemala have announced they will conduct a cleansing ceremony after George Bush’s visit, accusing him of trampling on and degrading the memory of their ancestors. This week, you’ll be making some travel plans of your own. Try and work out a way you can walk the earth without treading on anyone’s toes.
Leo
This week you succumb to feelings of wonder. You may find this irritating and inconvenient, because your inner child is in conflict with your inner primary school teacher, who is an old-school disciplinarian (which you find kinda hot). It’s a great time for inventive re-enactments of his/her techniques.
Virgo
While the worms of Australian politics wriggle around in the can of corruption, and the Lewis "Looter" Libbys of this world get what’s coming to them, you could be forgiven for thinking everyone was on a truth-and-justice crusade. Well, they’re not, so it’s up to you. Don mask and cape and get to it.
Libra
After this weekend, you will begin to feel very different about your work. If you’ve been struggling with details, you’ll find a simple solution. If you’ve been carrying too much weight, you’ll find a little old lady’s wheelie trolley lying by the side of the road. Don’t steal from little old ladies, even if they are passed out in the gutter.
Scorpio
With this weekend’s powerful new moon in your house of bullshitting, you’ll find a solution to the big fake. Personally I hold to the theory that if you pretend to be a better person than you are, you eventually get there or at least fool everyone else into believing your persona.
Sagittarius
The Sagittarian King of Thailand doesn’t take criticism very well, as evidenced by the prosecution of a Swiss man who defaced his likeness. I encourage the less royal amongst you to accept artistic reinterpretations of your identity with grace. When someone takes a permanent texta to your press shot, try not to cry.
Capricorn
A recent British study found that authors earn, on average, one sixth of the national wage (after you factor out JK Rowling). It is obviously far simpler and more profitable to become a gasfitter, or sell shoes. I’m telling you this because you’ll be discovering a talent for language this week, and I like bursting people’s bubbles.
Aquarius
New studies showing that you’re more likely to get Deep Vein Thrombosis (DVT) at a desk than on a plane and the suggestion that homework leads to obesity should give you some food for thought this week as you battle out the work-life struggle. Sunday will bring a minor disappointment, but it will lead to a detente.
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