Aquarius
First you have good luck, then you have bad luck, and now some guy with travel scrabble challenges you to a ouija-board tournament. This is not the kind of gambling where you have streaks, Aquarius. It’s the kind where you bet a frog and win a miniature Zeppelin.
Pisces
If you’re Jelena Jankovic, you may be angry at your supporters for starting a small version of the Serbo-Croat War outside your big match. Don’t judge them. They are only trying to tell you they care. Granted, that’s what they said when they were firing AKs at your nanna.
Aries
Things are fairly quiet for you this week, giving you a chance to reflect on your position and the hey, come back here! I haven’t finished! You’re going down the pub again, aren’t you? Fine, waste the best years of your life, see if I care. Bring me back a pack of smokes.
Taurus
It’s time for Taureans to decide whether they’re really in it for the cash, or they just want to live somewhere with palm trees and a cabana boy. Even if you’re not David Beckham, your loyalties will be tested this week when you’re offered a chance to switch to a more lucrative team.
Gemini
Milk ads in San Francisco bus stops were recently withdrawn after commuters complained they were releasing the tempting scent of warm chocolate-chip biscuits into the winter air. See, you’re not paranoid. Sinister corporations really are out to ruin your diet.
Cancer
You made a big mistake and you’re brave enough to admit it, but is throwing troops at the problem really going to help? Friday brings a wake-up call from God, whose smiting ways will make you question your goals. Hey, you’re the one that believes in Him.
Leo
The next time someone tells you that the road to Hell is paved with good intentions, show them the X-rays. Your heart was never in the right place to begin with. Unfortunately, malicious behaviour also takes the down elevator at the end of the meeting.
Virgo
With the new moon in your house of meaningless paperwork, you will find yourself ticking boxes willy-nilly and stamping ‘faxed’ down your arm in an effort to distract yourself from the futility of it all. Creative solutions do exist. I hear papier-mache is the new desk job.
Libra
This week, you will find yourself lying to a room full of strangers while attempting to defend your honour. Your ability to work a crowd is at odds with your usually well-developed sense of responsibility, turning you into a cringing fool. Best if you avoid people altogether.
Scorpio
Like Condy in the Middle East, you are pretending you know all the answers while secretly wishing you didn’t have to shoulder responsibility for what is essentially a bloodbath. This week, all Scorpios should take a moment to bathe in something less liable to stain.
Sagittarius
Selling yourself short is not just bad capitalism, it’s a stupid way to start the year. This week, take stock of your assets. Make a list of the resources and skills you have available to you. I bet there’s more on it than ‘good at feeling sorry for myself.’
Capricorn
As the final act in a month of subtle changes to your world view, you will have a mystical vision this week. It will be of the Virgin Mary weeping tears of kerosene in Starbucks, and no-one will believe you, even after you start a website with lots of capital letters.
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