satire
19 Jun 2009
Costello Mounts Leadership Challenge
Sorry — wrong headline, but this one's been ready for years and now it'll never get used otherwise. Like Ben Pobjie, we're all dealing with Costello's passing in our own way ...
So this is what it's like when Caesar dies.Well, not Caesar. The guy just below Caesar. Brutus, or Pompey, or Asterix. Someone like that. This is what it's like when the guy who really really wanted to be Caesar but wasn't quite good enough dies. Or rather, this is what it's like when the guy who really wanted to be Caesar leaves Rome and lives out the rest of his life on a $176,000 pension writing snarky newspaper articles.
To think that soon we will never more see Peter Costello stalking the halls of power, pulling the levers of government, rinsing out the stables of fiscal policy. It truly is a momentous and historical time in Australian political life, an era so important — ending in such a significant way — that it makes last year's retirement of Alexander Downer seem in retrospect even more uninteresting and irrelevant to everyone's lives than it did at the time.
Australia's longest-serving treasurer. The man who steered the economy for 11 long years, and sat on the backbench irritating everyone for approximately 43 more, is gone, never having achieved his ultimate goal of dissolving Parliament and ruling us all with an iron fist from his misty mountain lair.
As always at these times, one feels the need to reflect upon an extraordinary man, and extraordinary life, one that not only impacted upon the immediate political hurly-burly, but came to change the whole way we think about politics, economics, failure to gain promotion, and self-congratulatory memoirs.
Just what will be Costello's legacy to the Australian people? Like all issues that people have to write lengthy articles on, it is not a simple matter. When determining whether his stay in Parliament was, on the whole, a boon to the nation that allowed the full flowering of Australian potential or a disastrous epoch rivalled only by the fall of Singapore in terms of the bringing of human misery, it is necessary to weigh and balance both Costello's achievements and his enormous glaring flaws. We must consider the paying off of national debt against the widening divide between rich and poor; the record surpluses against the failure to invest in critical infrastructure; the reduction of unemployment against that creepy smile that made him look like he was waiting for the pills he slipped into your drink to take effect.
Of course, an understanding of any great man is dependent on an understanding of his background. In Costello's case, his ideology was shaped by his devout Christian parents, who instilled in him a strong belief in Jesus's desire for a deregulated labour market. Interestingly, where Christianity led Peter Costello into politics, the same upbringing and faith compelled his brother Tim to pursue a career in making people feel guilty for enjoying their lives. Not that this was the first instance of diverging careers within one family; history is full of famous siblings, one good and one evil — although obviously in this case there is not so much variety.
In his life before Parliament, Costello was active in student politics, where, according to Wikipedia, he "was punched by a rival student politician" — just one example of how life was better in the 70s. After university, like all kind-hearted folk, he became a lawyer. However, despite the glamour and adrenalin rush of industrial law, Costello felt he was destined for greater things, and to fill in time before they came along, he entered federal Parliament.
And in many ways, it was his time in federal Parliament that was the most important period in his life. Because despite the undeniable formative influences of parents, religion, and being punched in the face, the fate of Peter Costello will always be bound up inextricably with John Howard, the man who, with Costello's help, ascended to the top of the political tree, and who, upon hearing of his ex-deputy's retirement, was reported to have stated tersely, "I wish Peter well, but I have no further statement"; reporters having chosen to discreetly ignore Howard's subsequent profanity-laced tirade and obscene physical gestures.
Because it is true that the Howard-Costello relationship was not all smooth sailing in the same way that Idi Amin was not all cuddles. The source of the tension between them was a promise Howard made before he became PM, that he would at some point stand aside for Costello to have his turn. Costello resented the fact that Howard never actually did this, while Howard, quite naturally, resented the fact that Costello remembered it.
And so, despite the pair forming one of the most formidable political partnerships in modern Australian history, we observed the tragedy of a friendship being soured beyond repair by such a petty thing as one man's failure to honour his promise to another man to override the democratic process. And likewise, the Liberal Party itself was rent asunder, members having to make a heartbreaking choice between supporting their pathological liar leader, or their whiny, grasping deputy leader. The choice between blatant dishonesty and an overweeningly arrogant sense of self-entitlement is of course a common one for any Liberal, but that doesn't mean it's easy.
Of course, in part the reason that Costello never led the Liberal Party is that he never technically challenged the leader, and it is true that historically Australian prime ministers have been picked almost exclusively from the ranks of people who have tried to become prime minister. On the other hand, some say that he couldn't have challenged Howard, because he didn't have the numbers. But I don't see how that makes a difference. He didn't have the numbers in the electorate either. If you're willing to be prime minister without getting the public to vote for you, it's just lily-livered sissiness to let the fact your colleagues won't vote for you either stand in your way.
Look at Julia Gillard. She clearly has ambition. She clearly wants to be prime minister. She clearly hates Kevin Rudd as much as we all do. But she doesn't go around moping in a big Costello-esque funk, worrying about numbers and opportune moments and broken promises. No, she simply gets on with the job quietly and efficiently, secure in the knowledge that sometime in late 2010, her gradual campaign of incremental arsenic poisoning will take effect and Rudd will slump face-first into his minestrone. Frankly, Costello's greatest problem was always his failure to be more like Julia Gillard. Although most people assumed this applied mostly to his sexual attractiveness, his squeamishness around murder is also a factor.
But look, let's not dwell on the negatives too much. In the end, the political demise of Peter Costello is a cause for reflection, celebration and hollow, mirthless laughter. He wasn't perfect, but he did preside over an unprecedented period of economic growth, which as far as I know is a pretty good thing.
The only question is, what next? Certainly the business world is an option. As a 52-year-old with experience in both law and politics, he is sure to be in high demand from any of the high-profile Australian companies who are looking for middle-aged people with no corporate background. Then there is his journalistic career. Readers of the Fairfax media have of late been enormously entertained and informed by his scholarly opinion pieces on a wide range of subjects: the Government's shortcomings; his own superb record as treasurer; the economic problems of the country; what a good treasurer he was; the social quandaries facing our civilisation; how much better things were when he was treasurer; and so forth. He's even dabbled in film criticism, and anyone who read his review of Baz Luhrmann's Australia would agree with me when I say there is a fairly good chance that he saw it.
There is even a chance that he may work for the Rudd Government in an international role, given that the current PM is always on the lookout for talented and respected political opponents to send overseas.
But whatever the future holds for Peter Howard Costello, you can be sure that it will be as exciting and memorable and just as full of deep religiosity and savage verbal abuse as his life always has been.
Because if the last 30 years have taught us anything, it's that when Peter Costello puts his mind to something, he is sure to achieve a level of success quite close to, but not quite reaching, the very best.
Ah yes, the career of Costello serves to illustrate how true it is that some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some become Australia's longest-serving treasurer while waiting for someone else to thrust greatness upon them.
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Don’t compare Asterix to Peter Costello.
Nice Ben, very nice. And funny!
I think such a comparison can only benefit Asterix, James.
Peter’s can’t become a Statesman and do the cocktail circuit because he wasn’t a Head of State. So he has to become a director of Macquarie Bank. Or a sports commentator. Or a figurehead for a support group for people with borderline personality disorder.
Its always a pleasure to read the writings of a man who sees politics in the healthiest possible context - as entertainment.
"I think it would be a very good idea." Gandhi
Costello, (shock horror) for those who don’t know started off in the Labor Party….
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peter_Costello
From what I’ve heard (from a very credible source), Costello was once an avid Labor Party member and was seduced by a siren: scandal of which was followed by consequent blackmail which had him under the mercy of the liberals who had the damning evidence and hence no problems poaching him.
This I believe is what Bob Ellis wrote about and was consequently sued by Costello, who for too long now, has been living the life of a double-agent?
Perhaps he is now repentant and is turning to Rudd to expiate his sins as Minister of Evil i.e. of howard: Cronulla inciting, Iraqi bombing, refugee torturing, forest destroying (and far too many points for an axis of evil - so I’ll settle for Legion)…
Perhaps he’s ready to embrace the investigations that may very well spell the end of those corrupt insider-trading corporate sucking, battler bashing liberals, once and for all!
Now it seems that PC may become the Guardian of our Prosperity, by being appointed to the Board or whatever that controls our Future Fund. As it was, I think, one of his ideas in the first place, to place most of our then boom-time prosperity (what he had not distributed to his and John’s rich mates) beyond the avaricious grasp of future Treasurers, so that they could not give it to the peasants, I guess that could be a sort of rough justice.
I doubt that that will satisfy a lot of Rudd’s backbench, though, to see a plum job go to one of Labour’s most vicious Parliamentary enemies, and a lifelong enemy of the ‘working class’. One that spent all his working life trying to make life harder for the ‘losers’. I reckon that Canberra Media could be charmed by the Devil, they are so put out by the thought of no more Peter to enliven their dull lives.
If he gets this job, I would imagine that Canberra would see lots more of Peter still, and those Journalists can go back to writing nasty comments about him.
Though again, maybe Rudd will not be around much longer to do anything, if Malcolm T. and those remaining ‘Liberals’ have their evil way. The strange incident of the ‘will o’ the wisp’ email, which supposedly one of Rudd’s minders, in a mind lapse, sent one of those epistles that must never be put to paper, or anything else.
I just can not believe, at the moment anyway, that his staff are that worked to death, that mindless, to do such a stupid thing.
And what has to be kept in mind is the fact that Rudd is so in love with Liberals (see Costello) that he has allowed the whole Liberal appointed Public Service to remain in service, not seeming to realise that these people are going to white-ant him at every opportunity. Maybe, just maybe, this is an instance of a long planned plot from within, to do Rudd to death, Caesar style.
Rudd must sure hope so, or hope that the Fed Police can come up with evidence of derring-do and miscreants, or indeed Rudd and Swan may well be up for the long walk, and Julia baby will be smiling her cat smile just a little bit wider, and somewhat sooner than she might have expected.
In truth, I would not be at all sorry to see Rudd and Swan go ‘walkies’ . They have been as close to an Ultra- Conservative Government as it may be possible to go and remain a supposedly Democratic-Socialist one, if in name only.
But I would hate to see Turnbull get a win from such sneaky tactics. I doubt that he could ever live down the smell of corruption emanating from him, if it came out eventually that it was all along a plot hatched by people around him, or even from his office, on rigged ‘evidence’ and false testimony.
Just not cricket, old boy!
Seems to me there is danger here for both sides. Dazza.
Rudd employing Costello may be a lot more complex than has been hitherto imagined by those outside the loop.
Consider the fact that Costello was originally aligned with Labor: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peter_Costello
Why he defected to the Libs is something that Bob Ellis has already spoken about and was consequently sued for. Let’s assume that case is closed, yet you can’t totally extinguish the TRUTH, much of which is still reverberating.
Just think all the dirty little secrets Costello would have not only on howard but the suave, power-mad turnbull?
My first impression of turnbull was election eve, he was running scared, so scared that he would not get the power that meant more to him then the welfare of this country. Dirty tactics and muscling in, that’s not the leader that Australia needs. There’s no diplomacy, lack of which often leads to War!
And thus far we are a Lucky Country, save of course if your Indigenous to it, yet Rudd despite my and the liberals petty grievances has taken great steps in that direction. In this age of World Politics, he gets my vote, I think Julie Gillard is talented but perhaps not international enough. Our Government and democratic process is only being thwarted by the petty thievery of opportunistic liberals, who’d love to see the demise of this country, anything to win… (skeksies!/obsolete!)
Turnbull on the other hand or under hand doesn’t inspire trust. Perhaps he should go back and swim with the Packers and the sharks. I know they for one don’t take too kindly too his admission of sending out a hitman to finish Packer if Packer failed to get him…
http://business.theage.com.au/business/packer-made-kill-threat-turnbull-…
Do we really want a business thug and sore loser to lead this country?
We’ll let an informed Australia decide.
What he’s got on Rudd is just peanuts…
And who knows pretty soon he may very well realize that!
Sorry, I meant Julia…
Oh well fix a typo, add another point…
The liberals are dirty, ask Maxine McKew’s electorate?
Ask Indooroopilly? (Queensland elections 2009)
They fear so much perhaps, their looming obsolescence, that they are prepared to play dirty.
Well, Karma, will have the final word on that one!
No, Justice, rather!
PC and PK should look to a Stage Career with Bob Ellis as impressario.
I would enjoy the (k)nightly duels as to who was the best bag man.
A friend reminded me of his brother Tim. So lets wait and see, love your idea EarnestLee.
Expiate all howard error sin! Oh can he? Can we?
"Do we really want a business thug and sore loser to lead this country"
Hmmm! We here in Queensland with very un-fond memories of Herr Rudd in the days of the Goss Regime would argue that The Ruddy One is is as much a ruthless and scheming thug as anyone in politics, and then some.
As for business, he is married to a very ruthless business woman, who has her own ways of dealing with staff, we have learned! Like always marries like!
And sore loser? I doubt that you could find anyone associated with Kevvie who would say that he was NOT a VERY sore loser! He HATES to lose, and anyone who crosses him in any way can expect very short shrift. I think we have enough evidence of that recently. This is a man who allows his tongue to escape his mind on lots of occasions, in white fury.
He also often allows that tongue to enter into places where it should NOT GO, as being part of a serving Prime Minister!
Yes, Turnbull is dangerous, because his ambition knows no bounds, and he is utterly ruthless in his dealings with others. He therefore would be dangerous as a PM, with that Power in is hands.
We could also say the same about Rudd.
The absolute arrogance of both of them is a wonder to behold! And to be very wary of.
Strikes me that it is possible that an the end of this week, there may be only one of them still standing. They are indulging in a Battle of the Titans, out of which surely only one can emerge the winner! Or maybe neither of them. There may be so much ‘collateral’ damage done that neither of them can survive in the flying debris.
As for Wayne baby, who is going to miss him if he goes?
Seems to me that Fitzgibbon fell on his sword, or it was pushed into him by Rudd, but now Ruddy and Swanny are also in some sort of deep doo-doo, because you can be sure that some shennanigans were performed in relation to ‘doing something for mates’ because this is the way that politics operates, and particularly so in the NSW and Qld. version of the Labour Party. It will be just a matter of how well Rudd and his mob can deflect all or most of the flying debris in the direction of the Liberals.
Victoria is a comment unto itself, that place is now so corrupt, that you wonder that it can survive. You can smell the rotten stench from down there way up in the Torres Strait. Hamer, Kennett, Brumby; must be something about the dank swamp air down there. Dazza.
Well, even if that is the case: if it came to choosing a Social Democrat or a Banker to lead the country, I know what I would choose, though I’d choose Bob Brown but that is unrealistic when the old school and globally redundant Thatcherite laissez faire’s are still apparently the only viable opposition; like I said before, there’s no progress, in that dialectic.
I hope Peter get’s a nice lucrative job selling fall-out shelters in Israel, so I never have to read a shocking headline like this, ever again.
Oh yes, the 70s. A time when sexual promiscuity was rife (although Costello and Howard would have been pushing shit up hill to get a bit), and stds were almost unheard of. Yes, a time when you had to cop a punch in the face and take it like a man, or risk getting another punch from someone else for being an unAustralian (although the term, I mean euphemism, wasn’t invented yet) whinger.
And, out of it all, we can never forget one very very important thing………Howard may very well have been "a pathological liar", but he was a Christian. Certainly that means he was better than other "pathological liars" who are not Christian?
And now, Costello can look back over his very long and painstaking (for us) failure and pin point the one characteristic that held him back……….the fact that he is only borderline on the personality scale. I’m sure there is a support group somewhere for politicians without personalities……….supply and demand, economics 101!
Love your work Ben!!!!! UnionMade
I really need to stop reading these at work… My laughter disturbs that others in the office and worse they want to know - what are you doing? I am still giggling over this pearler - "I wish Peter well, but I have no further statement"…. Gold!