satire
16 Feb 2009
God's Not Happy With The Garden State
Ben Pobjie thinks Pastor Danny Nalliah may have a point. There are plenty of sure signs that God is peeved with Victorians
The most comforting thing in life is to know that someone is out there, looking out for you, concentrating on your best interest at all times. That's why the state of Victoria last week was enveloped in a warm, blankety feeling of wellbeing when we discovered the Pastor Danny Nalliah of Catch the Fire Ministries had our back.Thank goodness, we all said to each other, that there is finally someone out there willing to tell people "what they need to hear, not what they want to hear". Isn't that just the problem with modern society? Everyone's too polite, too gentle, too happy to soft-shoe around the tough issues and spoon-feed us the jolly fictions that we are all too eager to lap up like the deluded possums that we are.
We are, in fact, an immature society, not grown up enough to take responsibility for our own actions. We see a bushfire and we trot out all the weasel words, like "fuel loads", "arson", "lightning strikes", "extreme weather conditions". We don't have the guts to look ourselves in the eye and say, yes, this is all because we live in the baby-killing state. Pathetic, this inability to recognise the obvious when it's inconvenient to our modern, decadent, drive-through-nuggets, abortion-happy lifestyles.
Danny Nalliah, of course, is no stranger to public service. In 2005 he memorably warned that Victoria's religious vilification law was "sharia law by stealth". Oh, we laughed at him at the time, but who's laughing now that the Brumby Government has instituted compulsory burqas and adulterers are stoned daily on the steps of Flinders Street Station? Certainly not the women who have lost the right to vote or be seen in public without a male relative.
And so we can see, that in our reckless obsession with protecting citizens from vilification and liberating the uteruses of wanton women, we have quite drastically moved away from the biblical code on which, as Peter Costello has noted, our entire society is based. Costello, at least, has always been staunchly behind the Nalliah message; he was catching the fire long ago, even before he became a famous journalist.
The really scary thing about Pastor Nalliah's blunt assessment of the situation is that it doesn't end with womb-fires and sharia. Take careful note: God has removed his protection from the state of Victoria. Think about the last time you strolled through Melbourne town. Ever wonder why it was so idyllic and attractive and perfect? It was because God was protecting it! Now think about other states — like New South Wales, for example. Is it any coincidence that, having abandoned God in 1978 with the Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras, the state was stricken, a mere 27 years later, by the premiership of Morris Iemma? Consequences ...
There are myriad other examples of societies that wipe their nose on God's sleeve and subsequently find themselves plagued by misfortune. Take the USA, where 1973's Roe v. Wade decision was followed just 19 years later by Billy Ray Cyrus. Take Ethiopia, where prolonged famine and political unrest has coincided, as astute observers have noted, with its government's tolerance of shellfish-eating.
Is that chill running up your spine yet, Victorians? What's even worse is that, judging by the four-month delay between abortion law and bushfire, God's justice is only getting speedier. He is obviously clearing his backlog and getting on with it these days. And if we don't take steps to address the problem we can expect more trauma down south.
What will this trauma involve? Who can tell? We've had clues of course, little hints as to what direction the retribution might take. The growing presence of Giaan Rooney on television, for example. The election of Lord Mayor Robert Doyle. Nothing too obvious, just little signs that Victoria is marked for punishment.
Perhaps the greatest sign of the terrors in store for Victorians comes from the regional areas, where the Government is proposing to infuse the water supply with fluoride, which many regional Victorians claim "is a poison that can damage the human nervous system", and that "fluoridation amounts to medicating people without their consent".
That's right, people. It's gotten that bad. God is turning regional Victorians into morons.
Do we need any more proof? Any more incentive to change our ways? Pastor Nalliah has warned us — if we do not give up decadence, renounce immorality, cease baby-slaughter and start abusing Muslims, we will soon see our beautiful Garden State reduced to a desolate wasteland, economy shattered, cities razed to the ground, cretinous population wandering about in a daze, halting their drunken street-brawls only long enough to send incomprehensible SMSes to the Geelong Advertiser. We will, in short, become just like South Australia.
How can we prevent this from happening? The way is clear — for once, instead of sneering and laughing at visionaries, we must heed their advice and humbly ask them for help. Pastor Danny Nalliah has shown us the way — like Moses parting the Red Sea, he has parted the great sea of evil that sloshes on the shores of our state, and shown a path through.
We must let him lead us on that path.
I call on Premier John Brumby to immediately appoint Pastor Nalliah as chairman of a new body — the Victorian Commission For Moral Rectitude And God Satisfying, or VCFMRAS — the task of which shall be to make recommendations and form policies designed to turn us away from the mouth of hell that we inch closer to every time we abort a foetus or visit a mosque or masturbate.
Pastor Nalliah will be given all the resources he needs to do his job, and power over all police, emergency services and hospitals in the state to make sure his Christian policies are followed correctly. All those who oppose Pastor Nalliah in word, deed or thought will be taken to re-education camps, where they will be forced to read small-print Bibles and listen to Hillsong CDs all day until they either become moral or kill themselves.
Are these ideas extreme? Sure. But then, Jesus was extreme, wasn't he? He didn't mess around with ecumenicalism and social inclusion. He saw a problem, and without any hesitation or political correctness, told a vague parable about it. That's the sort of tough, masculine action we need from our political leaders today.
Don't let our disobedience to the Almighty turn Victoria into a modern-day Sodom. Let Brumby know we want wholesome, upright Christian near-mania, and we want it now. Let's get Danny Nalliah in the seat of power where he belongs.
Catch the Fire today!
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Nice one Ben. The absolutely last thing that anyone who has suffered through the bush fires needs is to also suffer the god-botherers!
Too subtle. You are just encouraging the fundamentalists, like last time :).
Good stuff Ben, but I see you are leaving it to me to tackle that female Danny Nalliah of the north, Miranda Devine. Her rant early in the week was a classic. What caused the fires? Not arsonists. Certainly not climate change (both she and Rupert Murdoch are at one in not letting a little thing like climate change get in the way of endless, boundless, exponential growth in emissions, as their friends get richer and richer). Not fallen power lines from a privatised power company cutting down on maintenance to improve profits (oh my goodness no). Not lightning strikes (presumably Danny’s god’s preferred modus operandi). No - conservationists had caused the fires with their insane desire to protect the remaining Australian environment. Those bastards. Miranda will show them - they should be sued until bankrupt (she suggested); flogged; hung, drawn and quartered; and put into prison for life and forced to read her old columns over and over.
Thanks Ben for injecting some levity into the situation.
People are so touchy about the acts of our vengeful God these days. They love to talk about it in church, when the Sodomites are on the receiving end, so to speak, but not when he comes out of semi-retirement to lay down some First Testament havoc on Aussie towns.
At least he seems to have given away the ‘mysterious ways’ policy which frankly made it difficult to beleive in Him. Nothing mysterious about burning down your house.
On that note can the good pastor be charged with accessory to arson after the fact? Just something for the Victorian Police to think on.
Thanks to Ben for on-button article. People, use the link (one-third down the article) to read Peter Costello’s slanted Xmas message.
Advocate for SA-born J.P.McGowan, a Pioneer of Silent Cinema
Good stuff Ben. Bravo for exposing Nalliah for the despicable example of Christianity that he is in a way that makes us smile. Just urge you to re read the Jesus stuff though. Yes he told a few parables but was pretty blunt in his speaking too. Especially so about those who use God to hate others. He was also the one who said pretty clearly that it’s all about Love not Laws. Don’t throw in judgements of the man who started the religion based on the hateful actions of some of his more misguided adherants. Sandra Mortimer NT.
Just wait, when that fluoride kicks in.
All those poor cretins, or is it Cretans?
It won’t be an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.
It will be "the man who sued Dog", so just watch it Dr.
They might become dull of mind, but they will be sound of tooth at least. Ha ha Oli
smortimer, you read like Rumpole’s still alive and I love it.
I wonder though why people still attach the word Christian to the stuffed pasta which I find in no good Italian cookery books - Nalliah.
What sort of an imbecile can she be, and who would spend time on a Sunday or any other day, listening to his version of frivolity. You can tell I’m undecided as to the gender of GOD or Her/His Demons.
Ben, it is sometimes a bloody good idea to wander pasta on the other sida road - you have been too charitable in committing the insane twit [and his customers] to satire - nevertheless, given you felt impelled, you did well - thankyou.
But I suggest we make him Premier Minister - there are still a lot of people out there who haven’t been hugged. Natural selection?
PS this does not mean that on some things I don’t find him right for all the wrong reasons
God’s happiness is not an acceptable object of satire!
I am deeply, deeply offended and I must express abject objection to this objectionable object!
Deeply …
Pleasah to not to doodah with HIS HAPPINESS!
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This slip of Pobjietjien objectivity thinly veils a gross penchant for remonstrating all things thingymajig.
‘tis classless…
As are all thing’s Russell’s Paradox (RUS-uhls PAR-uh-doks) would have. (The class of all objectionable objects, be perforce, an object of the class of objectionable objects¿)
Well - at least - so we are told!
Desolate wasteland - cretinous population wandering about in a daze
these are cruel words indeed for the new Defence State.
Why is it that Victorians, even in the middle of a decent discussion about womb-fires and sharia law, should sink so low ?
This once great Athens of the South, Dunstan’s emporium, is facing so much - the drought, the plug hole pulled on our so-called River Torrens, poodle talk about dear little Christopher Robin Pyne, a wave of lycra lardarses (with microsteroidal packages) still trying to find the pack and the Clipsall with its airforce larrikins just on the edge our horizons - then this.
Oh Ben you cut us to the quickie.