satire

11 Dec 2008

The Lobbyist From Hell

By Ben Pobjie

God

There's a mysterious power-broker operating in Canberra and He's got our politicians down on their knees, writes Ben Pobjie

Democracy is a fragile thing. It requires our constant vigilance to keep it alive, to prevent it being corrupted by natural human avarice and greed. Our freedom can be taken away in the blink of an eye if we're not careful.

And that's why we should all be alarmed to the point of arm-waving hysteria when we become cognisant of a stunning revelation such as that recently made by James Bidgood MP.

Bidgood has revealed that the global financial crisis was — contrary to the assertions of the so-called "business media" — caused by a single individual, known only as "God".

This news has, naturally, rocked all good citizens to their core. We had, naturally, assumed that the global financial crisis was caused by the usual factors: Kevin Rudd and single mothers. We had been proceeding in our blissful, complacent way, unaware of the powerful backroom forces shaping our destiny.

The news is truly terrifying. Just how long has this "God" been operating? What are his long-term goals? How much power does he wield? Are his actions restricted to financial markets, or might he, for instance, begin interfering in the construction industry or the IT sector?

So little is known about this shady character and his dodgy dealings, it's dreadfully worrying to think of the power he apparently wields. He seems to work behind the scenes, in the shadows, pulling strings and manipulating levers out of the public spotlight. Preliminary investigations indicate that he moves in a mysterious way, but what this way involves we have yet to discover. Hedge funds? Derivatives? Margin lending? The secrecy is unacceptable. Disclosure is at the heart of a healthy financial system.

It's not just God himself disturbing our way of life. Apparently this seedy dealer has certain operatives doing his dirty work for him. Bidgood referred to these henchmen, who call themselves "Christians".

"When Christians pray, God does things", Bidgood declared, in a chilling denunciation of the way that seemingly good people can be turned to the purposes of ambitious and amoral powerbrokers. The phrase "morally equivalent to Nazi stormtroopers" is bandied about too freely these days, but these "Christians" seem to have no qualms about setting forth and wreaking all sorts of economic havoc for the sake of their sinister puppet-master. Bidgood points out that the "Christians" were marching in 1987, prior to the famous stockmarket crash. It seems that God's influence over the world of finance was strong even then.

But why does God do these things? What is his angle? What does he get out of financial ruin? How does he benefit from the collapse of ABC Learning? Certainly there is evidence that he hates children, but that can't be it, surely? Somehow, he is profiting from chaos. Perhaps he is an arms dealer, or runs a corporate administration business. Who knows? It's so hard to pin the fellow down. Numerous requests for interviews have been completely ignored. Searches for known associates have come up short; it's damnably difficult just to find someone who's met the guy.

But perhaps Bidgood (bless that man for his services to democracy) can provide a clue. Bidgood mentions "Revelations", which is apparently a reference to the Book of Revelation, a sort of manifesto, if you will, that gives some insight into God's plans and motives. This may sound innocent enough, but it turns out that Revelation is a lot like John Hewson's Fightback: reasonable enough on the surface, but a blueprint for pure evil and utter destruction once you look closer.

Revelation makes for genuinely scary reading, if you're at all worried about the future of our society. It lays it all out: God's plan to disrupt credit markets through reckless lending; his use of complex financial instruments to generate confusion and panic in the financial sector; his scheme to send house prices plummeting. Of course, he doesn't state it explicitly — the exact words he uses are "And the first beast was like a lion, and the second beast like a calf, and the third beast had a face as a man, and the fourth beast was like a flying eagle" — but I think those financially savvy citizens among us can see just what he's getting at.

He also mentions "a woman clothed with the sun, and the moon under her feet", who is "with child, travailing in birth". So apparently Sophie Mirabella is somehow mixed up in this.

So we know what God's up to. He wants to destabilise world finance and cripple the global economy. In itself, this isn't so worrying. Plenty of people have similar aims — anarchists, communists, Wayne Swan. What is upsetting is that unlike these people, God seems to wield genuine influence. Politicians everywhere are going out of their way to curry favour with this megalomaniacal new-age Brian Burke. President-elect Barack Obama has, in a breathtakingly brazen admission, dedicated himself to doing "the Lord's work".

Our own Prime Minister, apparently, has a close relationship with this reclusive powerbroker, and has even been heard speaking to God late at night. Some reports describe the PM as being on his knees during these conversations, hands clasped in front, demonstrating the lengths our leaders will go to kowtow to the man. Are we really comfortable with our national leader being so beholden to special interests?

It's no less than a scandal, an outrage and an international crisis. And to think we would never have known about it but for brave James Bidgood, the one man with the guts to stand up and expose the disturbing activities of "God" for all to see. Were he not civic-minded enough to take time out from his busy suicide-photographing business to bring this to our attention, we would never have known about the dark forces that are even now working in secret to destroy our way of life.

Time to act, people! Speak out! Don't let "God" and his "Christians" further degrade our economy, our democracy, our world. Follow the example of James Bidgood, and ask yourselves, "What would Jesus do?"

Because whatever it is, he must be stopped.

Discuss this article

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Biuqs 11/12/08 4:31PM

The pollies have been extraordinarily quiet on the subject of Bidgood and ‘the end times’

It’s a shame he’s not a Liberal (I mean Bidgood, not Jesus. obviously)

TerryWright101 11/12/08 7:04PM

Very good, Ben.

Those crwazy, wacky Chwristians … you just never know what they’ll say next.

Dr Dog 12/12/08 9:06AM

Thanks Ben for your informative and, frankly, frightening article.

As you point out this God fellow has made some pretty outlandish financial predictions in this Revelations book, which his followers have been trying to fulfil ever since.

It sounds a lot like Ross Gittens from the SMH.

Ringo 12/12/08 11:06AM

Is God listed on Rudd’s Register of Political Lobbyists?

When politicians go to church, are they declaringany donations made? Are these fundraisers actually legal or is the Electoral Commission too afraid of God’s wrath and therefore won’t investigate?

dazza 12/12/08 12:42PM

Scary, isn’t it. This supposedly is the same ‘Christian God’ who told GWBush to make war on Iraq, and to kill and maim and disperse millions of innocent Iraqis. This presumbly is the same God who has told Rudd to give extra billions of dollars to Christian Schools, and to starve State Schools. Also told him to castrate the web, so that he can save us all from looking at and learning all sorts of non-Christian things, such as what he and his Government is up to. The same God who has told Rudd to ignore the Scientists (who are, after all, the anti-Christ) and to give his mates in Big Business everything they want in the way of Global Warming laws, never mind that the Scientists are correct, and the World is going to Hell in a hand-basket.. fast! After all, he will likely be with his God by the time the world ends, and not able to be contacted for explanation as to his stupidity or cupidity!!! Dazza.

Bren 12/12/08 2:17PM

The bizarre ‘reasoning’ of James Bidgood presents yet another good reason to remove the Lord’s Prayer from the Aussie Parliament: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=49611362120

arel 12/12/08 2:18PM

Thanks Ben. Best laugh since I read Genesis. It all started from there, you know.

geoffdb 12/12/08 2:45PM

I believe He may be of Middle-Eastern appearance ?
Now THAT’S a worry ! (call the AFP …)

Ginger Meggs 12/12/08 4:01PM

Na geoffdb, it’s his boss that’s of middle-eastern appearance, not the pollie himself.

But I suspect that if the pollie had been of MEA, or heaven forbid, a real Muslim, then the likes of Miranda Devine and Janet Albrechtsen and our own Andrew Bolt would have had a field day with him.

Makes you wonder about the ALP’s preselection process doesn’t it. Is it too much for one to hope that there would have been some quality assessment and values-screening as part of the process? How on earth did they come to pre-select him in the first place and did the electorate of Dawson have any idea what this turkey was like when they voted for him?

Are there any readers on board from up Mackay way that could fill us in Member Bidgood?

As a matter of interest, given that he thinks we’re in the ‘last days’, I wonder what his attitude is to contributing to the parliamentary superannuation scheme?

denise 12/12/08 5:47PM

I suspected there were more than a few ‘religious nuts’ amongst our politicians - to be expected really, since their roles are not that much different from preachers.
To invoke God in politics is ambiguous in our Constitution, as God is recognised as the supreme power in the Australian Constitution; but no laws are to be made that favours, promotes or encourages any one particular religion.
So, therefore a non-denominational, omnipotent God is perfectly acceptable to blame and a fair comment on any state of affairs of the nation, especially when the problem is hard to pin on a particular, somebody else.
And as far as the Liberals are concerned, they reached their ‘end days’ about a year ago now and will probably be ‘wandering in the wilderness’ for another decade or so.

Christopher_M 12/12/08 7:02PM

The time has come, the end is near, we’ve been marked with the Mark of the Beast.

And I thought the New Matilda was at the cutting edge of Revelations.

I am betrayed.

It is fully 24 years since a quite nice and responsible professional man, from within my area of responsibility, asked if he could have an hour of my time after work.
It turned out that he needed to advise me of the forthcoming end of the world which he did and, as a result, I approached Y2K with trepidation. Turns out he was into spiritual rather than pure maths. But - whatever - what is a few years between people destined to hell for their lack of belief?
The Beast Ben casually refers to is an enormously powerful computer in Germany, I was told, which would bring the materialistic world to its knees, and then the corporal world to an end.

From that point on, radical religious lobbyists [in the Western World] need do nothing more than feather their own nests in order to live this life to the fullest prior to an even fuller life in that place where the pavements are gilded.
They could rely on politicians to desecrate the world and ignore the possibility of redemption. Funny how the MPs potter off to Church - but always the wrong Church. Poor children of the godless, they can’t get anything right [or left for that matter].

What concerns me in all this is that the NM is treating as news what John Howard knew and was trying to tell us through his relationship with those Exclusive Brothers but failed ineffably to communicate because he also needed us to know that we were "fellow Austwalians."
Given the end of the world is nigh, what is the point of any portfolio - even Garrett’s portfolio for Consignment to Ancient History - setting goals for the future. Waste of resources. And human rights are a basket case in the post-human domain.

PS Bidgood’s contribution to the Super is a hedge fund or covering his bets in common parlance.

smortimer 12/12/08 8:34PM

Usually enjoy your stuff Ben and have never commented til now. A smart guy like you might have tried the gospels and the life of JC before reading Revelation and would have thought you could leave the extreme fundo MPs to defend their own silly comments. signed christian who likes a laugh but not when based on ignorance and religious vilification.

BPobjie 12/12/08 11:06PM

I tried the gospels, smortimer. Found them unhelpful re: sub-prime mortgages.

Dallas Beaufort 13/12/08 12:11AM

Can’t Say to much!!!!

MeganY 13/12/08 1:21AM

Have you read ‘The Family: The Secret Fundamentalism At The Heart of American Power’ by Jeff Sharlet?

"One such moment occurred for Suharto in December 1975, when Portugal relinquished its claims to the tiny island nation of East Timor. It declared independence; nine days later Suharto’s army invaded, on the pretext that its neighbor was communist. Two hundred thousand people–nearly a third of the island’s population–were killed during the long occupation, to which the United States gave its blessing. Gerald Ford, the only president to have been a member of an actual prayer cell (when he was in Congress, with Representatives John Rhodes, Al Quie, and Melvin Laird, a cell that reconvened in 1974 to pray with Ford about pardoning Nixon), told Suharto, "We will understand and will not press you on the issue. We understand the problem and the intentions you have." Kissinger, with Ford in Jakarta, added, "It is important that whatever you do succeeds quickly [because] the use of U.S.-made arms could create problems." Suharto did not succeed quickly—the killing continued for decades—but he never lacked for champions in the U.S. Congress, which saw to it that American dollars kept his regime in bullets until he was driven out in 1998."

It is an amazing book. Rudd is one of them, Howard was, just about every Australian politician apart from the Greens is dependent on these people.

Go to the Library and Read this Book!!

Harry 13/12/08 12:37PM

I am sick of this racist rubbish about God. Surely you must know She is black

Stephen Pickells 14/12/08 12:13PM

I prefer Bidgood’s earlier works.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pink_Narcissus
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LdiV52ByFTI

revilo 14/12/08 10:15PM

Look Xmas is just around the corner and we’ll all be stuffed with stuffed turkey soon enough, but I really wonder if Santa will ever bring the children day care so their poor parents can earn the combined salaries needed to pay mortgages and credit cards at the indecent interst rate sour banks are getting away with charging.

While the pollies are all propping up the capitalist pie, the capitalists are having their way with the pie (a La "American pie").
We’ll all be left with pie crust promises…easily made and easily broken.
Yes we’ve all been screwed, sorry to say, this includes the Christians too…and not even got a kiss afterwards.

Is’nt the French word for christian? cretan.
Santa never made it into Darwin allright
Oh well let’s see how round 2 in the colloseum goes. This time with hungry people instead of lions.
You know, god is omnipotent, omnipresent and omniscient, and maybe even benevolant. Let him/her solve the global meltdowns, while we solve our own personal relationships, neighbourhood issues and how’s this for novelty, giving more charity.

Merry Merry and Happy Happy. Oli

ecoeng 15/12/08 3:01PM

What would Jesus do, you ask?

Now that is a easy one. A real ‘no-brainer’.

Noting that:

(a) He was a long haired, sandal-wearing nitwit; and

(b) just like his ol’ Dad not only hates kids, but their parents and civilization too - only the cheesemakers, the freshly dead and the odd fallen woman being kosher to this feller,

naturally he’d proclaim some equally mesmerising Armageddon to distract us all from this global financial crisis.

Something like , uhmmmmm,……..catastrophic climate change?

daiskmeliadorn 15/12/08 7:25PM

I don’t know why you’re assuming "God" is a man, Ben.

ecoeng 16/12/08 1:42AM

Man schmann, girl schmirl, who cares? Even so, its still organ, organ all the time with you!

BPobjie 16/12/08 4:41AM

Because I read the BIBLE, daisk!

brian-russ 21/12/08 4:06PM

When are Australians going to stop worshipping USA? Lets start thinking for ourselves.

BPobjie 21/12/08 9:24PM

Dangerous talk, brian.