Taurus
Romance is in the air, but so are the enzymes that will sour it. This week, you get into a screaming argument outside a sex shop over whether you can afford the Deluxe Gold Tickler. Efforts to restore peace will weaken as a crowd gathers and begins to heckle cheerfully. You should have ordered online.
Gemini
‘Untamed and Unashamed’ is a good byline for Geminis, who can be a little over the top at times. This week, you will channel ‘Our Pauline’ as you find that your ego actually benefits from social disharmony. As long as you avoid imagining her and David Oldfield getting it on, you should be laughing.
Cancer
The policy of smiling and hoping the danger will pass works perfectly well in small, domestic situations. But try your technique in a battlefield other than love, and you’ll end up as so much minced Cancerian. You don’t have to grin and bear everything. This week, the planets will help you find your claws.
Leo
It’s time to take your karma to the KarmaWash Café time to make amends for a long-buried wrongdoing. Ignore this advice at your peril emotional vulnerability could strike you down this week. If you have the memory of a bankrupt entrepreneur, just do something nice for a stranger.
Virgo
You can suck up the praise for your accomplishments thus far, or you can put your head down and toil. Personally I’d take the first option it’s far more pleasant in the short term. You can’t take success in the material world with you when you die. So really, there’s not much point in trying.
Libra
It looks like the hemorrhaging of Israeli Prime Ministers is becoming a tradition. Librans should take Olmert’s situation as a timely warning: ill-considered reactions can backfire badly. Watch your mouth this week because you could commit to something that will bring you down.
Scorpio
Your annual full moon falls inconveniently on a Wednesday, leaving you feeling professionally sated, but caged. However, the benefits of this lunar cycle will flow through to the weekend without obstacle so save some of that cheeky joie de vivre for the dance floor.
Sagittarius
Your tendency to seek conflict will dissipate by Friday and fade into distant memory, as your affectionate, giving nature returns to the fore. Everyone else takes a short while to catch up, so your challenge for this week is to accept the occasional ‘fuck-you’ with poise and grace.
Capricorn
Scientists found a potentially life-bearing planet last week. I’d like you to meditate on the possibilities particularly as your feelings for this one are starting to fray. Classic eighties sci-fi films of the Lucas/Spielberg oeuvre will help you envision first contact as sentimentally as possible.
Aquarius
Think of the teachers who said you’d never amount to anything. Think back to those career advisors who said you lacked focus and application. This week, you’ll be tempted to visit them and gloat, but you can’t find your keys and your mum won’t lend you any more bus fares.
Pisces
Just as you’re trying to remember the third verse of ‘Trouble in Mind,’ the sun comes out and even begins to shine faintly on your back door. So take your head off that lonesome railroad line quick-smart, pull your old rockin’ chair out of the river, and start singing something a bit chirpier.
Aries
You’re far too gangly to be kept in a box, but have had trouble convincing the party you’re not just a celebrity ring-in. Even those Aries who are not tall, bald and morally compromised will be struggling with their public image this week. Barriers to ambition should crack a little by Friday, so take your crowbar.
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