Rio Tinto Accidentally-On Purpose Blows Up C*on Cheese Factory, Sparking Another Aussie Meltdown



It’s been a tough year for Australia. First, the bushfires. Then COVID-19. And now, news has emerged that one of the world’s largest mining companies has blown up a much-loved racist cheese factory in Sydney, sparking an unprecedented national outpouring of grief and hunger. New Matilda’s in-house white supremacist Cracker Gubba-Bogan reports.

One of the world’s largest mining companies has blown up an old cheese factory in suburban Sydney, sending the nation of Australia into an unprecedented meltdown.

Over the weekend, the old C*on Cheese factory in the hipster suburb of Bondi was blown up by Rio Tinto to make way for a large iron ore mine.

The factory was built 23-years-ago, and is believed by many Australians to be sacred, given its role in providing people with processed cheese at affordable prices.

Despite the presence of tens of thousands of protestors during the demolition, Rio Tinto proceeded with the operation. An estimated 4,000 cheese lovers were believed to have been killed in the explosion, after rushing the site in a fit of pique.

In a written statement, Rio Tinto Iron Ore chief executive Chris Salisbury issued a heartfelt and deep apology over the incident.

“We pay our respects to the Bondi hipsters, and we are sorry for the distress we have caused. Our relationship with hipsters matters a lot to Rio Tinto, having worked together for many years,” Mr Salisbury said.

“We have operated on hipster country under a comprehensive and mutually agreed Participation Agreement since 2011. At Bondi, in partnership with the Bondi Boardriders Association, we followed a heritage approval process for more than 10 years. In 2014 we performed a large-scale exercise in the Bondi area to preserve significant cultural heritage artefacts, recovering approximately 7,000 objects, including cheese boards, and discarded cheese packaging.

“We will continue to work with Bondi hipsters to learn from what has taken place and strengthen our partnership. As a matter of urgency, we are reviewing the plans of all other sites in the Bondi area.

“From a broader perspective, as we already work within all existing frameworks, we will launch a comprehensive review of our heritage approach, engaging leading Bondi Hipsters to help identify, understand and recommend ways to improve the process.

“Three decades ago we were the first mining company to recognise how delicious cheese really was. Today we also recognise that a review is needed in relation to the management of cheese heritage in Australia more broadly, and we will advocate where relevant for legislative reform.

“The mining industry supports all Australians by providing jobs, supporting small business, and paying taxes and royalties. We remain committed to doing so in a way that provides economic development opportunities and facilitates the preservation and sharing of cheese.

“As a company with strong ties and a long history of partnership with cheese and hipsters everywhere we are committed to updating our practices and working together so that we can co-exist for mutual benefit, and all get more cheese.”

Despite the apology from Rio Tinto, the Andrew Bolt Supporters Page on Facebook lit up with triggered, angry white people.

“And now I can’t buy C*on cheese…I will buy something else. I am not going to support C*on cheese under a new name. I’m breaking up with them,” wrote the anonymous page admin.

“I will never buy C*on cheese again,” a seething Penny Palmer added, apparently unaware that since the factory was blown up, the cheese is no long available. “I can’t believe they are allowing this to happen. They deserve a drop in sales. So ridiculous.”

Prime Minister Scott Morrison weighed in, noting that Rio Tinto were a major political donor to the Liberal Party, people needed to show more sensitivity.

“Cheese just got a lot harder to buy. Our nation is grieving. Please be respectful at this difficult time,” Morrison told media.

Inspiring and much-loved Aboriginal leader Jacinta Price also issued a media statement, reaching out to white Australians in their hour of need but reminding them an atrocity of this scale could bring Australians together.

“This is an opportunity, a teachable moment. It’s a chance for all Australians to understand how it feels to have your land, your children, and your culture stolen,” Ms Price said.

“We feel your pain.”

Meanwhile, in other news, protests over Rio Tinto’s earlier accidentally-on purpose destruction of 46,000-year-old ancient rock art in the far west of Australia continue to gather pace.

In May, Rio Tinto blew up several globally significant art sites in Western Australia’s Kimberley region.

Protests have been raging for months, with white people all over the nation threatening to sell down their mining stocks and burn their hi-vis vests.

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New Matilda

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