In a stunning development over the weekend, Fairfax Media – after 200-plus years of chaos and confusion – has finally resolved the question of who represents Aboriginal Australia on absolutely everything.
It’s Noel Pearson and Patrick Dodson.
In an “exclusive” story broken two days ago, but which has only come to light today because no-one reads Fairfax anymore, journalist Michael Gordon made the exciting announcement in a story headlined, “Trust us: Patrick Dodson and Noel Pearson devise plan to save Indigenous recognition referendum”.
“The nation's two most significant Aboriginal leaders have crafted a plan to secure Indigenous consensus on a referendum question to recognise the first Australians that could be put as soon as the next year's federal election,” Mr Gordon reported.
Obviously, it’s a stunning development. But the terminally confused Aboriginal race is apparently unaware of quite how stunning the development really is. Not only is the question of leadership now resolved, but an issue that has divided black Australia has also been settled.
Constitutional recognition has proved to be wildly unpopular among Aboriginal people, but thanks to Fairfax media, a policy that a sizeable proportion of the Aboriginal population don’t want will be settled by two men they didn’t elect.
Spokesperson for Fairfax Media, Patricia Karvelas, told New Matilda this was in keeping with standard media operating protocols on matters related to Aboriginal people.
“I think I speak on behalf of all Aborigines when I say, ‘Thank God we finally worked that out for you,” Ms Karvelas said.
“Now Aboriginal people can get on with the important business of working for the dole, sending their children to school, and signing native title access agreements with mining companies.”
In other developments, Fairfax media has also declared Donald Trump the winning candidate in the race to represent the Republicans for the US presidency.
Herald editor, Darren Goodsir made the announcement in a small but well catered ceremony at Fairfax’s Pyrmont headquarters a short time ago.
“Donald Trump impressed us for his ability to cut through the crap with clear, concise race-baiting. That’s something we at Fairfax Media have been struggling to achieve for years, and so in our minds, he was the deserved winner.”
Fairfax Media have also removed Ban Ki Moon as the head of the United Nations, and sacked Bronwyn Bishop as Speaker of the House of Representatives. An announcement is expected shortly by Fairfax CEO Greg Hywood on her replacement.
Next week, it’s understood Fairfax Media will be appointing a new head of ISIS, following the death of its leader according to the latest unsourced and unconfirmed reports published late yesterday.
UPDATE: Aboriginal ‘leader’ Gary Foley phoned New Matilda this afternoon to complain about this story. Naturally, we told him to fuck off.