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It might sound unbelievable, but in six years time, on or about May 1, 2019 a group of children wearing Elmo backpacks are going to try and kill our Prime Minister, Cory Bernardi.
The children will be part of a growing movement demanding action on climate change. They will engage in rolling strikes around the country, and some of them will let their anger get the better of them, before stabbing Bernardi to death with a Flik Flak Magical Unicorn, and then jamming a Cookie Monster plush toy into his bloodied, gaping mouth.
Egging of politicians will also become a thing, as will head-butting and atomic wedgies.
The dire warnings were delivered by Brisbane engineer, cloud shouting enthusiast and resident climate crank, Mr Malcolm Roberts, who says he has designs on one day entering Australian parliament as a British citizen.
Mr Roberts staged the impromptu press conference in a Brisbane park, while making use of the park’s swing set, which he declared “was fun”.
Mr Roberts, who will also go on to defeat renowned scientist Professor Brian Cox in climate change debate, warned that children with Elmo backpacks were fast becoming the number one threat to Australian politicians, and to ice cream sundaes at Engadine Maccas, where he also predicted a future Prime Minister would shit himself.
Mr Roberts added that only Sky News, a crackpot from the Institute of Public Affairs, and former journalist turned alleged animal rapist Chris Kenny – emboldened after winning a defamation action against the ABC for falsely describing him as a dog f*cker – will be able to prevent the slaughter.
MORE TO COME…