satire
20 Nov 2009
It's Pronounced XENUphon
It's a sign that the 21st century mind has grown very narrow indeed when senators start talking about taxing the Church of Scientology, writes Ben Pobjie
There is no doubt that, as a people, Australians feel a great affection for the religious. We feel safe with people of faith, we feel we can trust them. Extensive polling has shown that when asked whether they would rather leave their children in the care of a Catholic priest or a primitive tribe of Papuan cannibals, almost 70 per cent of respondents choose the priest. Telling numbers indeed.And yet, it is equally true that a lot depends on the kind of faith being espoused. Oh sure, we feel comfortable with Catholic priests and kindly nuns and gangly buzz-cut Mormons with unnerving eyes, but we feel less comfortable with Muslim suicide bombers, for example. We all love the Dalai Lama, but we are more suspicious of Fred Nile. And so forth.
This demonstrates, of course, the bigotry that is so very dear to the Australian people and a considerable source of national pride. Such behaviour does, however, run the risk of alienating certain religious maniacs and, even worse, of not alienating others.
In other words, when an independent senator like, say, Nick Xenophon, stands up in Parliament and launches a blistering attack on a religion like, say, Scientology, he presents two grave risks to the principles of equality and freedom. Firstly, he runs the risk of making Scientologists feel unloved and isolated and realise that everybody thinks they're fools, and secondly, his behaviour raises the very real possibility that adherents of other religions will not feel unloved and isolated or realise that everybody thinks they're fools.
And frankly, that would mean our democracy is not working.
I mean, what is Scientology, really? One can throw around emotive terms like "cult" and "evil" and "mind-control" and "physical intimidation and coerced abortions", but they're just words, aren't they? They don't really tell us what Scientology is all about. I mean, they give us a pretty good idea, but to really get to the heart of Scientology, it is necessary to take an honest, objective, no-holds-barred look at the work of a mediocre dead science fiction writer.
That writer was Lafayette Ron Hubbard, a man who, after toiling away for years, was subject to a mighty revelation, and made the ultimate sacrifice: abandoning his unsuccessful sci-fi career to start a new religion that made him fabulously rich. And ever since, Scientology has stuck fast to this founding principle; to make others fabulously rich is the highest expression of the human spirit.
Hubbard's religion was based on "Dianetics", a system for understanding mental health that seeks to rid a person of bad past experiences in order to eliminate the "reactive mind", thereby freeing oneself from psychosomatic illnesses and liberating large cash donations.
Of course, Scientology has grown and developed and today entails a far more sophisticated system of beliefs and practices, having added to the basic concepts of Dianetics by incorporating elements such as direct debit and Kate Ceberano.
And of course, Kate Ceberano is the whole problem, isn't she? I don't mean literally — I'm not suggesting that she should be singled out as the sole cause of religious friction in this country; although her cover albums undoubtedly contribute to the high rate of domestic violence. No, what I mean is that Kate Ceberano is a symbol of why Scientology is so reviled — people associate it with rich, bored celebrities who adopt a faddish religion merely as a distraction from their empty, shallow lives filled with sex-mad groupies and unusual pets.
But what this ignores is the many thousands of ordinary decent folk who take up Scientology out of nothing more than a passion for self-improvement, a love of their fellow human beings, and a deep and genuine belief in ancient tyrannical aliens who blow people up with hydrogen bombs causing modern-day humans to constantly struggle against the restless spirits inhabiting their bodily form.
These people truly are the salt of the earth, and it is unfair to smear them with the same brush used to smear decadent Hollywood perverts when all they're trying to do is spread the word about how depressed and mentally unstable we all are. And you are, admit it: you need Scientology's commonsense approach; you're just too proud to put your faith in the Hubbard message. Your decision. Have fun being unhappy for the rest of your life.
Look, I'm not trying to harangue you here. I know the Scientology narrative can sound a little "wacky". I know that in comparison to, say, a man reading golden plates in a hat with magic spectacles, or an all-knowing being disguising himself as a human to protect mankind from the problems he caused in the first place, the consequences of which his omniscient mind failed to foresee, the Scientology mythos seems far-fetched. But to be honest, that's just our narrow 21st-century minds at work, refusing to allow for the possibility of things unseen, of powers beyond our ken, of space monsters piling people up around volcanoes. Poor, prosaic us — missing out on the marvellous gifts of the universe simply because we'd rather stay in the "real world".
And that's where Senator Nick Xenophon — a man who has suspiciously replaced the "u" in his name with an "o" to hide his own Scientology connections — has gone so far wrong. Xenophon would like us all to live in a dull, mundane, functional society, devoid of magic or wonder. Just look at his vicious attempts to rid Australia of poker machines. This man wants to deny elderly citizens the chance to be transported to a world of excitement and flashing lights. Xenophon has a long history of trying to crush the spirits of ordinary people and here he is, doing it again, calling for "investigations" into the Church of Scientology for no better reason than their desire to make money.
Is it a crime to make money? Is there any logical contradiction in being a person of faith AND making a profit? Is there any reason a man can't aspire to become both an operating thetan and an obscenely wealthy pseudo-priest? Is there any reason to believe money will be more wisely spent if left in the pockets of the average citizen than if it is handed over to the heads of the Church of Scientology? Of course not. And if this wholly justifiable quest for fortune brings with it the odd bit of roughing up, the occasional involuntary abortion, that's the price we pay for living in a religious society. Would you rather live in Stalinist Russia? Thought not. Check and mate.
And to think Xenophon wants to get this worthy sect to pay taxes. Pay taxes! Like some common Jim's Gardening franchise! As if the weighty business of a Scientologist was of no more import than that of a Woolworths' deli attendant, paying taxes all over the place.
You simply can not have religions paying taxes, Senator Xenophon. It would cripple their operations. Imagine if we taxed Christian churches. They would suddenly find their cash flow severely restricted. They might even have to cut back on their Patronising Roadside Sign budgets. And imagine if we taxed mosques. You don't want to piss those guys off, am I right?
And so it is with Scientology. The C of S does so much good work in the community, including but not restricted to: hooking people up to weird machines; suing journalists; and stigmatising the mentally ill. All of these could fall by the wayside if the government decided to eat away at the modest earnings of the Church by levying taxes from no better motivations than jealousy, malice and a desire to avoid blatant corruption of the foundation of our societal systems.
Scientology is not perfect, I admit that. Perfection is found only in mathematics and Baha'ism. But for many unhappy, desperate people with nowhere else to turn for psychic solace, it is the only means they have of surrendering control of their lives to shadowy cultish puppetmasters for a large fee.
Senator Xenophon, do you want to be the man who took that away from them?
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I desperately want to write something intelligent to respond to this, but I am laughing too hard.
Can you, perhaps, place it on the Punch so I can have a car crash of an uncomprehending comments’ thread to amuse me on Monday when I come to work?
Sadhbh
http://sadhbh.blogspot.com
Pobjie strikes again. Too good!
I am speechless! This is so good.
Surely Ben ‘pseudo-priest" is a tautology?
Otherwise, Bravo. And double bravo to Senator Xenophon.
I’ve always thought the name Xenophon was rather foreign-sounding.
The anti-Scientology fervour (Xenuphobia?) we are seeing around the world at the moment (especially online) is a really interesting phenomenon. Sure Scientology is nuts and all, and Scientologists can sometimes do bad stuff, but why is it SO threatening to people? It’s not like other religions aren’t guilty of far worse after all. Scientology hasn’t started any wars or molested any children so far as I am aware.
My interpretation is that ALL religion requires us to suspend disbelief, and that where a religion gets just a little TOO nuts in it’s doctrines (alien overlords and all) that threatens our ability to suspend our disbelief in relation to religion more generally, and hence threatens our own religious beliefs. Scientology is inadvertently pointing out the elephant in the room: that religion itself is absurd.
Someone (Dennett? Dawkins?) once wrote about how a politician would be received if they invoked Zeus in their speeches etc. Would this affect how we perceive politicians who similarly invoke "God"? In essence this is what Scientology is doing, and this is why people find it so threatening.
Xenuphobia is ultimately counterproductive, however, since pointing out and publicising the fact that Scientology is absurd just brings attention to the fact that religion more generally is just as crazy. It’s a catch 22. Do nothing and Scientology undermines peoples "faith". Condemn Scientology and YOU undermine peoples "faith". Ultimately mainstream religions would probably be best served by simply ignoring Scientology and hoping it goes away. Perhaps Senator Xenuphobe should bear in mind the old saying about people in glass houses?
I am of course assuming here that the allegations are false. I don’t have nay inside info here, but the resemblance to old European folk tales about Jews stealing babies, killing children (e.g. The Fatal Flower Garden), and being generally nefarious is to striking to ignore.
So glad we have a tradition of satirical comment and taking the piss. And none such targets as suitable for such as the self-inflated and seriously wacky insto’s known collectively as ‘religious organisations’.
Well done, Ben.
Nice one Ben, enjoyable as always.
NICK XENOPHON DEFIES UNITED NATIONS UNIVERSAL DECLARATION OF HUMAN RIGHTS DISGRACING AUSTRALIAN PARLIAMENT?
Nick Xenophon faces the prospect of a UN Human Rights Commissioner investigation?
Could it be that Australian Senator Nick Xenophon is being manipulated as a puppet of clandestine interests backed by failed Scientologists?
About the Author:
Peter Lionel Griffiths is the President of Artists For Human Rights Asia-Pacific humanitarian organization closely associated with and endorsed by the United Nations Human Rights organizations in New York.
Full story http://www.climatecleanup.org/nick-xenophon
You actually feel safe around a person or group of people just because they’re religious?
Not any more Ben, that’s the Old World Order.
There have been too many crimes committed in the name of the religiously convicted to believe that any more.
Faith groups and/or religious organisations, like Scietology run the risk of taking over weak people’s lives (who are too rich for their own good and consequently desperately confused about directions) without taking account of the consequences when people lose faith or worse go completely crazy.
But seriously anyone who actually believes in these aliens surely needs psychiatric help ASAP?
And I certainly think individuals seduced by all this nonsense should pay for most of their own deprogramming.
However, if the Scientologists are (after a proper investigation) found to be genuinely driving people nuts, then perhaps it’s only fair they should pitch in at least something to help with their recovery.
Well, I consider this a generally well-written article, although somehow I just don’t feel comfortable with the idea of giving Nick Xenophon too much credit.
"I think it would be a very good idea." Gandhi
Ben,
the responses are all gratuitously subservient and ingratiating - AS THEY SHOULD BE.
BUT can’t someone stir up young Fielding and his bunch of small business happy clappers to join in with some devastating wit around the issue of the importance of making tax-free money to the fibre of family life in Australia, and to catering for the support of the homeless who will increase tenfold under the Rudd "populate and create homelessness in Australia plan".
Without the tax-free haven of ‘organ’ised religion, whose going to go the hard yards!!
Christopher
PS Perhaps someone called Nick might well start the Church of Proboscology - as a way to get the WET off Wine. Now there’s a thought.
I don’t wish to be subservient ,but I have an idea Ben you should start up a religion of your own, call it PODJENISTICISM, you could be tax free , tell all your subjects if they donate all their cash to you , when they die they go up to PODJENA with 70 Maggie Taberers , shit man you will make a fortune ,You would’nt have to sit around not getting paid writing for some fancy website colled Matilda .com , all the fans who contribute comments would join up , have parties , make Fred Nile dolls and burn them in Darlinghurst Road ,If Scientology can pull the likes of John Travolta , Kate Cebrano, and little Tommy Cruise ,with all their cash .Surely you can get us to sign up I love Maggie, Good stuff Ben!
Two thumbs. Champagne Pobjie.
Condemn Scientology and YOU undermine peoples "faith", quoth pan.sapiens. I can’t see the problem with this.
Condemnation is a proximate cause of that undermining. But the ultimate cause? Faith undermines itself by subjugating the follower to a belief contingent not just upon absence of evidence but overwhelmingly the inane and absurd as well.
So let the "condemning" and "undermining" ensue - yea, for all religion - until this fabricated superstitious nonsense is no longer permitted special exemptions and privileges in laws of the real world and no longer has the power to harm or control the lives of others.
Religions are organisations that prescribe a way of life, usually with a creation theory, a set of consensual rules, regulations and festivals, and often with regular communal prayer sessions concerned with reinforcing chants about supernatural beliefs.
It takes a lot of blind faith to be committed to, or allow yourself to be totally controlled by any religion.
However, if Scientologists are prepared to place their eternal well being soley in the hands of a wealthy, 20th century science fiction writer that believed in aliens, then that is their religious freedom.
Do they actually pray to those supernatural aliens? Or do they just worship money?
But what really made me laugh was when you said that Scientologists stigmatise mental illness, when their very belief system could be seen as completely bonkers!
Hi Peter Griffiths,
I followed your link to your lovely site (you know, the one deceptivley bespangled with UN logos).
You guys seriously believe this stuff?
<< Together with neighboring Germany that conquered France in World War II, both countries remain the strongholds for psychiatric front groups formed by the survivors of Hitler’s Death Camps where they had worked in supervising the genocide of the Jews, and who personally advised Adolf Hitler. These groups established the psychiatry profession in the western world infiltrating American universities funded by the Rockefeller Foundation. France has the highest per capita saturation of psychiatrists than any other country in the world and its government and society is effectively under the influence of entrenched psychiatric interests. >>>
In fact, you don’t just believe it, you also don’t have enough self awareness to hide this stuff on a conspiracy-promoting smoke-and-mirrors site set up to look like an independent human rights watchdog?
http://www.scientology-lies.com/faq/what-is-scientology.html
Can’t believe I’m agreeing with Nick Xenephon, but of course the "Church" of Scientology should pay taxes.
And then let’s tax all the investment real-estate the Catholic and Anglican churches in Oz own.
Dr (not of Psychiatry) Jane.
Is Scientology a religion?
L. Ron Hubbard says no…
http://www.stelling.nl/simpos/hubbard.htm
<< Scientology has opened the gates to a better world. It is not a
psycho-therapy nor a religion. It is a body of knowledge which,
when properly used, gives freedom and truth to the individual."
— L. Ron Hubbard, "The Creation of Human Ability"
Los Angeles: A.S.H.O., 1971, page 251 >>>
Does Scientology pretend to be a religion for business purposes?
L. Ron Hubbard says yes…
Hubbard Communications Office Policy Letter
(HCOPL) 29 Oct. 1962, "Religion":
"Scientology 1970 is being planned on a religious organization
basis throughout the world. This will not upset in any way the
usual activities of any organization. It is entirely a matter for
accountants and solicitors."
Dr Jane.
I think that the Senator forgot that just good looking actors are members of the cult-oops-religion and that their ‘god’ probably points the ugly stick at you if you dis the members. Be careful Nick!
"Religions are organisations that prescribe a way of life, usually with a creation theory, a set of consensual rules, regulations and festivals, and often with regular communal prayer sessions concerned with reinforcing chants about supernatural beliefs.
It takes a lot of blind faith to be committed to, or allow yourself to be totally controlled by any religion."
Denise.
Is there not a Fundamentalist Religion in this world at present, with heavy shades of Fascism, lots and lots of intolerance, heaps of apartheid, extremely militaristic and threatening to neighbours, murderous to those of non- belief in that particular ‘religion’, which you have seemed to in the immediate past have welded yourself to, to the extent of much abuse of others, supposedly goyim????
Have you recently travelled to Damascus?
Dazza-
Steady on, Tiger! All religious denominations contain their share of intolerant bigotted loonies. Characterising all believers on the actions of a few cranks is evidence of either laziness or prejudice.
We could characterise the message of Christianity by citing those vocal nuts who advocate murdering homosexuals and abortion providers. I trust you’d agree this would be a complete misrepresentation of the Gospels?
Scientology, on the other hand, is clearly a paranoid self-serving organisation that uses deception to exploit vulnerable people financially and uses deception to try and silence it’s critics. It uses it’s religous status not just to avoid taxes but to silence criticism on grounds of religous persecution. This doesn’t mean that all Scientologists are "evil". Most are just dupes.
Personally, I subscribe to Pastafarianism.
http://www.venganza.org/
To Err is Human, to Arrrh is divine!
Dr Jane.
Frankly, if I wanted to join a cult manufactured by a third rate writer purely for commercial gain and based on wildly inconsistent and crazy pseudo-spiritual drivel, I’d be a Jedi before a Scientologist.
Good on you Ben for backing Nick up in this long overdue battle. I doubt Scientology will die out too quickly, the experience they have in duping there own members and the persistence they entail against their critics appears to almost be a way of life for this organisation.
They only managed to get the mafia on tax evasion and the same objective is probably being pursued here. Perhaps if they succeed, some people will draw similarities to the two organisations, wouldn’t that be nice.
I also followed your link Peter, to your own article, by the way. Why Nick Xenophon acted this way may boggle your mind Peter, but not mine. We’ve seen how people are treated when they attempt to go up against Scientology through the normal legal channels. We don’t all have millions to waste on every single court battle. Scientology calls the bluff and most people fold.
Your accusations towards "psychiatric front groups" sounds eerily similar to Nazi propagandist allegations of "Jewry’s infiltration of economic world powers". Perhaps it could be seen as absurd to compare Scientology to Nazi propaganda, but since it was your article that initially brought up an ambiguous relationship between WWII, Nazi Germany, and France and of course these "psychiatric front groups", I felt the comparison was called for.
What makes one think that these former employees would be shielded from prosecution for admitting a certain guilt is beyond me. Wouldn’t it have been easier to say nothing in the first place, who would be the wiser. Obviously they felt it was worth the possibility of criminal prosecution, to accuse an organisation they felt was acting deceivingly or was, plain and simple, breaking the law.
Yes Nick, and now you too Ben, I feel you’ve opened a hornet’s nest, but this is an issue that deserves to be addressed by ethical, clear-headed human beings and I refuse to stand for more of the lies this organisation continues to promote, good on you both.
A thought I had about the reason supposedly intelligent people go into Scientology is , specically the rich ! maybe TAX evasion ,Join us ! donate to our religion ,we invest it and you will get it back by being in our church having a nice time and claim it on your return ??Can one claim for donations to a religion?? Sounds a bit dopey I guess , for me I can never understand why people go into these cults but we all are human and some have this need to belong to something to feel secure , it’s a bit like I can never understand why women become sex workers , put up with the crap ,danger and they allow a pimp to control them and take the cash ,there are various case scenarios , but the girls say he loves me he told me!So they cop the crap and pay up,So maybe the same thing applies with Scientology ?? They tell the idiots who join that they are loved ,protected and just pay up , so folks consider that, as the song says maybe ,,,Lookin’ for Love in all the Wrong Places !!! Cheers Bobbeeart
Bravo, Ben. Love it!
You’re right, bob - why DO women become sex workers? All my research suggests that women don’t use money, so I’m at a loss.
(This comment has been deleted)
oops ! sorry ,know the limits now Cheers Bobbeeart