satire
6 Mar 2009
Just Done It
She hasn't been dubbed "man's best friend" for nothing. Ben Pobjie would like to thank Bettina Arndt for a great night in last night
Every writer knows that sex sells; indeed, it's why my own articles are so erotically charged each week. But some writers sell it more expertly than others, and there can be no doubt that when the average person hears the word "sex", they immediately think of Bettina Arndt, no matter how much they may not want to.Bettina Arndt is a "sex therapist", which means she helps people who are having trouble in their sex lives. "If you Arndt having sex, come see Bettina!" she likes to say, demonstrating her zany, impish approach to the issue of serious sexual dysfunction. But never before has she made such a momentous contribution to the cause of mass sexual satisfaction as with her new book, The Sex Diaries.
For those of you who are too busy, prudish or functionally illiterate to read the whole book, allow me to give you the gist of it: Arndt argues that the greatest cause of unhappy relationships between men and women is the discrepancy between the male and female libido.
Cannily, Bettina has put her finger right on the very crux of today's problem: "These days unless women want sex it just doesn't happen," she writes, a damning indictment of the sorry pass "feminism" has brought us to. In what other sphere of life do we allow such situations to occur? Do we say, "unless people want to pay taxes it just doesn't happen"? "Unless murderers want to go to jail it just doesn't happen"? "Unless Palestine wants to get bombed it just doesn't happen"? Nowhere else do we let ourselves be held hostage to such soft-centred notions of personal choice and new-age drippery. So why do we allow it in the bedroom?
In a nutshell, Arndt is saying that to achieve a satisfying sex life, both partners have an important role to play: the man's being to honestly, openly and without embarrassment, ask for sex; and the woman's being to, equally fearlessly, say yes. Tit for tat, share and share alike, you scratch my back and I'll lay flat on mine, etc.
"Just do it", Arndt says, as she advises women everywhere to submit to their husband's desires just as third-world populations have submitted to Nike's. Embrace your inner sweatshop, Bettina is saying, and you can be as happy as those joyful workers. Whether sewing sneakers or spreading thighs, the principle remains the same.
"The notion that women have to want sex to enjoy it has been a really misguided idea that has caused havoc in relationships over the last 40 years," Bettina says, and indeed, why should one only enjoy sex that one wanted to have? It's as ludicrous as suggesting you can't enjoy a complimentary bottle of champagne, just because you didn't ask for it. And yet nobody's crying "rape" when the free bubbly comes round, are they? Occasionally they do so several hours later, but this is tangential.
Believe me, I know whereof I speak. Like most men, I have for many years been enjoying sex that I didn't actually want to have. On several occasions I have enjoyed sex that I didn't even realise I was having until about halfway through. Because men are troopers. Even when they really don't want to have sex, they are willing to roll up their sleeves and pitch in for the greater good. And lo and behold, once we're doing it we find we quite like it.
Arndt illustrates this with a pithy metaphor: "Once the canoe is in the water, everyone starts happily paddling". The theme of canoes, in fact, is central to Arndt's entire argument. "You put the canoe in and you have pleasure," she said on ABC TV's Lateline, and ain't that the truth?
There's no point in keeping your sex-canoe in dry dock your whole life. If you ever want to experience the joys of the river of intercourse, you have to get your canoe off the shores of abstinence, negotiate the rapids of foreplay, and tip yourself over the penetration waterfall. The American Indians knew this, but somewhere along the line we have lost the eternal truth of canoes.
Of course, it is possible that once the canoe is out, the woman might discover that she's not actually enjoying it. Well, that's canoes for you. Watersports are not for everyone. But would she rather not have a canoe? Would she rather her husband left her for a woman with bigger oars? In summary, the message is this: boating metaphors are less sexy than you might think.
But let's get serious here. This is no time for bawdy jokes and light-hearted banter. Imagine how you would feel if you were in a relationship, as Bettina puts it, where "there is one person who wants it, yearns for it, physical intimacy, and is being rejected". Many a broken heart, and not a few serial killers, is born of such tragic circumstances.
The stories Bettina tells are heartbreaking in the extreme, such as the woman who would lie awake night after night, "worrying that the hand was going to come creeping over" — a tale that countless married women and Japanese horror film enthusiasts can readily identify with. Or the 66-year-old man who agreed not to make any sexual advances towards his wife, and consequently has not had sex for eight years.
Yet in that last story lies a major part of the problem. Think about it: who wants to have sex with a 66-year-old man? Nobody! Can we blame this man's wife for not wanting to entangle her fragile body in a heaving morass of giant underpants and ear hair? As a matter of fact, the problem is even more basic: men are fundamentally unattractive, and women are fundamentally gorgeous. For example, Miranda Kerr is a woman, while Leo Sayer is a man. Coincidence?
And it's not just our appearance that we men need to improve. Our approach to sex itself leaves a lot to be desired. Unbelievably, recent surveys indicate that most men don't even know what a clitoris is, or where to buy one. Almost half of the men surveyed were unable to name more than one sexual position, and more than 20 per cent couldn't even get that far.
So clearly, if men want to persuade women to engage in sexual intercourse with them, they are fighting a losing battle. Which is why it's such a blessed relief that Bettina Arndt has, yet again, come to the rescue to solve the problems of the ordinary male. Not for nothing has she been frequently called "man's best friend" — admittedly not in those exact words. Men everywhere owe her a debt of gratitude for standing up for their sexual rights, defying the feminism industry to give men a sporting chance at sexual happiness.
And now, hopefully, if the world heeds her call, men everywhere will finally be able to experience their dearest wish: reluctant, mechanical sex stemming from a grudging sense of duty.
And that's a canoe I think we'd all like to be paddling.
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rofl…there are tears i’m laughing so much! But Ben, to mix a metaphor, you might be swimming against the tide of public opinion because real men don’t need a canoe they just do it!
Ben, I hope to be the first this week to accuse you of saying exactly what you mean, without a skerrick of satire. Truely you are a terrible fellow who really wants women to lie back and take it like a man. Actually that didn’t come out quite right, but the point is you keep writing these irony free rants in favour of wrongheadedness.
Do I win the prize? There was talk of a prize.
P.S. What do they mean when they say to lie back and think of England? I’ve been to England and if there is anything worse than unwanted sex its unwanted sex accompanied by thoughts of that joint.
Billy Bragg sang "How can you lie back and think of England when you don’t even know who’s in the team."
Dr, England used to be an incredibly arousing place. Unfortunately, what with Tony Blair and Andrew Lloyd Webber and Jordan and so forth, it’s lost its seductive lustre, rendering the saying somewhat archaic.
But in the mid-70s, thinking of England was likely to whip any well-adjusted human into an orgiastic frenzy. ‘S how the Falklands War got started.
Pobjietjie
Tho’ deeply offended - as always - at the objet’ of your satire - it arndt clear if a carbon fibre, kevlar, GRP, cedar & birch bark or willow & buffalo hide constructed canoe would matter¿
…in so far as paddling one’s own (or holding one’s own) canoe goes?
Or do I stretch the point? dunno4sure¿
A decision to have sex should always be voluntary from all parties involved.
Having said that, there’s nothing wrong with ‘mateship’ sex - when you are doing it out of the goodness of your heart to make the other person happy.
Where’s the complementary article offering courses to help men get better at sex so women want it more often?
Guys - flowers, chocolates, massages, caring listening, doing the housework and minding the kids will go a long way towards more happiness in the bedroom.
Robyn of Adelaide
"doing the housework and minding the kids will go a long way towards more happiness in the bedroom"
So will mowing the lawn, cleaning the gutters, servicing the car etc. which never seem to get mentioned when teh ladies talking about sharing the household duties … :-)
"Guys - flowers, chocolates, massages, caring listening, doing the housework and minding the kids will go a long way towards more happiness in the bedroom."
I agree - women should definitely do more of these things.
Jacqueline, where are you? I need to know whether I’m allowed to laugh at this one.
Sex in a canoe is awkward, with or without a paddle.
The trapeze on a hobie cat is better.
Chip spitter - very considerate of you to ask my permission before you sully forth with mirth.
Gee, how flattering is that.
I decided to go with Helen’s article but thanks all the same. :P
Of course its no to yes from you, you’re really a girl aren’t you Ben! No? Just confused then?
Not to worry… here is the rest of your profile:
* unmarried
* dating or chasing a pseudo feminist with a great rack
OR
* working in proximity of a pseudo feminist who can influence you career
* underhung and overworked
* breast fed until the age of 6 (see dot point two)
* has experimented with cross dressing and still suffers occasional relapses
* imagines his audience as slightly disapproving women
* has never met a 66 year old
God, how easy is it to feign humour without adding a single thought to the discussion! Journalism anyone…
Sex is not just a physical act but an emotional one and for some even spiritual.
This attitude to sex as a purely physical act, without including the emotional state and wellbeing of the person is trite and meaningless.
Sex is not a sport, it is the fundamental way in which we reproduce and so in having fun by doing it, for enjoyment only, some of the excitement of the true purpose is lost, thus diminishing the overall pleasure of the sex act.
And personally I have found with age and a declining libido, it becomes a very secondary part of life and hardly worth discussing.
Which is why, Denise, men actually do not enjoy masturbation…
…and why men get confused when, despite working at equality and emotion, that their own needs are so easily dismissed as libido difference - an evolutionary delay in the male of the species.
If there are any travel-for-work husbands reading this, riddle me this: do you experience heightened sexual interest from your wife prior to and/or after return from travel?
If so - why?
If its related to female libido connected to perceptions of threat to security, then is it possible women NOT wanting it is related to men being too stable, too equal, too committed anmd the woman being TOO HAPPY?
ie the good man is punished by reduced womanly libido that (according to the Arndt detractors) must not be offset by a CHOICE to make love despite a lack of libido but because they are happy.
Men don’t enjoy masturbation? You mean we are just wankers out of habit? Or maybe I’m doing it wrong? I don’t enjoy flossing my teeth but I didn’t do that 5 times a day when I was teenager.
Sorry, Jacqueline, I was just being a smart-arse prick.
Mate, I’d be Spittin Chips too if I couldn’t identify some difference in quality between solo and duet.
Difference in quality? - Der, Fred. You said "do not enjoy".
I’m not from the G.Henderson school for pedants but that has a totally different meaning.
"God, how easy is it to feign humour without adding a single thought to the discussion!"
Incredibly easy, Pink - you should give it a try.
"Sex is not a sport, it is the fundamental way in which we reproduce and so in having fun by doing it, for enjoyment only, some of the excitement of the true purpose is lost, thus diminishing the overall pleasure of the sex act."
You have lost me here, Denise.
"This attitude to sex as a purely physical act, without including the emotional state and wellbeing of the person is trite and meaningless."
That is a very narrow attitude and a waste of one of the true pleasures of life. For many of us sex can be a purely physical act between consenting adults and a lot of enjoyment, satisfaction & fun. I think that’s why if given the choice to take a pill to become ‘straight’ I’d stick to being gay: men can be so much better at supplying men’s sexual needs physical and/or emotional.
"Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" is an apt description when it comes to sex.
By the way, is it necessary to have some kind of ‘emotional state and wellbeing’ to enjoy a great meal with someone?
""Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" is an apt description when it comes to sex."
Sex with aliens: sick, man, sick.
Monty Python’s Three Bruces in their role as Australian philosophers, explain why making love in a canoe is like American beer (not worksafe):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y9cTXl5ApEk
No wonder a lot of women don’t much care for it.
So, my pristine baloon of innocence has been pricked.
I have read my first article from New Matilda (after reading all the cartoons)
and written my first comment.
I think that maybe enough excitment for one night…
It was fun i guess but not really the explosion of ecstacy that Mills and Boon promised.
… I just hope New Matilda still respects me in the morning.
Hi Ben, I had sex in a fishing boat once as ayoung guy her name was Lois.it was really good lois was happy so was I,even caught a bag of fish ,but in the wonder of that day I forgat to mark the spot where all those fish were ,so I could not revisit the spot,anyway I still had Lois who had some good spots .she told me which of those spots were the ones to put your tongue on or into ,I am not trying to be crude ,but I think Bettina would tell you the same women like to be worked on , it’s like life you only get results for effort if a woman feels you care enough to do all the stuff to get her on you will get the a good time everytime ,I often wonder what happened to Lois !