satire
19 Feb 2009
Hockey: It's Just Not Cricket
He spins and he sledges, but the new shadow treasurer admits he's no Shane Warne. Ben Pobjie wonders just how far Joe Hockey can stretch the cricket metaphor
"Shadow treasurer" — the very name gives some idea of the nature of the job. While the actual Treasurer gets to strut about the country like a tyrant of antiquity, hob-nobbing with elites and showering largesse upon his subjects with a kind and beatific smile upon his lips, the shadow treasurer must skulk in the darkness, hiding from the light and shunning decent society, emerging only occasionally, silent and deadly, to issue a press release condemning the government's tax policy, before withdrawing, once again, to the murky netherworld that is their lot.This is why it's no surprise that shadow treasurers have such a high attrition rate — this ninja-like lifestyle simply keeps wearing them down. And thus it was equally unsurprising that Julie Bishop this week caved to the pressure and resigned, in yet another shameful reminder of how much Australia hates women. It's a shame that we will no longer be hearing Bishop's opinions and insights on economics — in today's climate, a good chuckle is like gold — but I think we are all in for an exciting new era with her replacement, Joe "Raging Bull" Hockey.
In fact, the excitement has already started, as this Age editorial makes clear. Briefly, what happened is that Bishop resigned, and Hockey took over, but beforehand, Malcolm Turnbull may or may not have offered the job to Peter Costello, which Christopher Pyne thinks would have been perfectly natural, but which Tony Abbott thinks is ridiculous, but then Abbott may just be annoyed because Turnbull didn't make him manager of opposition business, which was Hockey's old job but has now been given to Pyne, leaving Abbott with family services even though he helped Turnbull become leader, which Turnbull might not be for much longer if it's true that Costello turned down the shadow treasurer's job because he plans to challenge for the leadership soon, even though he's had the chance to do so before but didn't, but speculation continues to swirl because Costello refuses to leave the backbenches.
Next week, George Brandis and Nick Minchin develop suspicions about Sophie Mirabella's baby, and Wilson Tuckey makes a shock discovery about who really burned down Lasseter's.
Of course, there is nothing really so strange about the possibility that Turnbull may have offered Costello the job before Hockey. As Hockey himself said, the Liberal party is like the Australian cricket team "where you have got Shane Warne and Glenn McGrath participating in cricket in India and not participating in the Test team - there is always a longing to have your best on the paddock". Just in case you were confused, in this case Peter Costello is Shane Warne, and John Howard is Glenn McGrath, meaning that Joe Hockey is Nathan Hauritz, Malcolm Turnbull is Ricky Ponting, and Julie Bishop is Lara Bingle. Tony Abbott is most likely Kim Hughes. Analogies, as always, make everything easier.
And by the same token, it is no surprise that Costello turned the job down, once he realised that it would interfere with his burgeoning career in film criticism. It is true, mind you, that commentators like Andrew Bolt think Costello is just biding his time before once more lunging for the spotlight, but then Andrew Bolt also thinks George Bush is Batman, illustrating the importance, in political analysis, of keeping in mind the thin line between prophecy and dementia.
But what is interesting is the likelihood that it was Turnbull himself who spread the idea that Costello had knocked back the offer of Bishop's job. This points to the innate cunning and innovative political savvy of Turnbull. He recognises that the old ways of conducting politics have failed. The traditional methods of leading a party — presenting a united front and the impression of commitment behind the leader — have been identified by Turnbull as tired and out of date. Solidarity took John Howard to defeat and Brendan Nelson to despair, which is why Turnbull has come up with a clever "Third Way", a plan to dazzle the electorate by convincing them that he inspires feelings of hatred and laziness in his MPs. Will this bold new strategy work? Only time will tell.
Meanwhile, Nelson himself has also announced his impending retirement from politics, sparking loud calls of "I didn't know he was still alive" from across the country. Thrilling days for the Libs indeed.
But no matter how exciting internal party machinations and petulant middle-aged men might be, politics isn't all sexiness, and the really important issue is just how the Opposition will perform from here. How will Joe Hockey, now that he has admitted he is no Shane Warne, take the fight up to the dangerously charismatic Wayne Swan? He has started by accusing the Government of "spending money like a drunken sailor", which to be honest seems to be a little unfair. Why a drunken sailor? Why can't it be spending money like a calm, sober sailor, with expensive tastes? In fact, Hockey may have opened up an opportunity for the Government there; the next election may see the campaign slogan "Rudd and Swan: What's Wrong With Wanting Nice Things?" Ah, Joe. A rookie mistake.
And it's important that he doesn't make any more. It's important that the Opposition be able to hold the Government to account. A strong opposition is crucial to a robust democracy, according to countless political pundits with nothing better to write about, and this is especially true in an era where prime ministers wield unprecedented power, riding roughshod over state governments, independent senators and foreign lap-dancers alike.
Can Joe Hockey do it? Can he make the post of shadow treasurer more than a filthy beggar on the streets of parliament? Can he bring the Opposition out of the dim recesses of the political back-alley and into the light? Can he be the Fozzie Bear to Turnbull's Kermit that the party has been crying out for? Can his mixture of affability and abuse penetrate in a way that Julie Bishop's combination of confusion and incompetence could not? Will Costello rise again? Will Turnbull realise he prefers massive salaries and a millionaire lifestyle to a politician's pay and having to talk to Barnaby Joyce? Will Abbott ever stop whining like a little girl? The eternal questions never stop bobbing, dumpling-like, to the top of this great parliamentary stew.
Politics as usual. It's good to have you back.
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Thanks Ben, food for thought and an opportunity to re-hash some cricket puns. While the Liberal Party have the runs on the board they have been in a bit of a slump lately and need to take the new ball up to the government.
They could have bailed them up but Turnbull is too worried about being run out by Costello, who is very comfortable in the lower order until a return to form.
I see Abbott as more of a Stuart McGill character, good player but ultimately too weird even for his own team. Capable of throwing a googly out of the blue.
Hockey frightens me. He is a bit like Humphry B Bear but I get the impression he could turn and maul you for no reason. Also he wears pants nearly twice as much.
I saw Christopher Pyne on Lateline the other night and was struck by how much he looks like the robot Jude Law in AI, albeit without the sexiness. Creeped me out.
I reckon Costello is more like Trevor Chapell of under arm fame but in this case Greg told him to go in there and do his best but Trevor bowled under arm in a fit of pique because Greg wouldn’t let him run the team.
a little puerile, I know, but I couldn’t help but chuckle at the resemblance between the author and his subject
Hockey should stick to rugby
I love the way Newmatilda has to add the label "Satire". Remember, art previews reality and the two blur together. We know when Ben is serious, the "satire" lamp is unlit, how else could we tell?
David Booth
Bywong NSW
Harry Morton Query why do they call Christopher Pyne ‘Pixie’ ? Seems he got that tag after a visit to a Cairns night club. I think that is one of the silliest nick names I have ever heard. Fancy a man who as a school boy was brave enough to wear a Liberal Party T Shirt to school having to put up with such rubbish. I am annoyed that such nonsense was ever put about. And that’s not satire that is a factual opinion.
LJS, that brings new meaning to the term "uncalled for".
I have to say Dr, I like Stuart MacGill too much to make that comparison. I always felt sorry for Stuey.
sorry Ben - couldn’t resist. He’s very likeable…in a cuddly, hobbesian, market fundamentalist kinda way
That’s where the similarity ends - I’m not likeable at all.
good to hear that. BTW - how does one pronounce your surname?
It’s actually just how it’s spelt - Pob-Gee.
Hear that, everyone?
LJS
Do you mean like Dildo Baggins on Steriods?
Ben
Sorry did you say Pop-ee or Pud-Gee ?
My damn hearing aids are faulty ? :-|
"…That’s where the similarity ends - I’m not likeable at all…." - You are a bloody liar Pobjie.
Is this almost a men’s only commentariat? I hate ….. cricket and Hockey may prove to be all shadow and no substance. Even if he qualified for a cricket team he would be 12th man.
"12th man"? For someone who claims to hate cricket, cherry, you have a suspiciously comprehensive knowledge of the jargon.
Ah BPobjie, to critcise something you have to knowledge of the subject, otherwise the criticism is mere prejudice.
By reading my articles cherry, you will have learnt that I reject that philosophy outright.
Your first misunderstanding about the Australian people Ben is that they are in the midst of a love affair with Julia Gillard, by far the top parliamentary performer and although a woman I would compare her to the Michael Hussey of Australian cricket.
And the dissaray of the Liberal leadership only highlights further the unity of Labor leadership.
As far as Joe Hockey is concerned, he’s possibly a bit too colourful for the dour position of Shadow Treasurer that Wayne Swan plays so well.
Joe Hockey could be compared to the James Hopes of Australian cricket, a good all rounder and undisputably becoming an invaluable member of the Australian Liberal Party with possible leadership potential.
Ah, ever the imagined free spirit.