satire
9 Oct 2008
Uncle Sam is Waist Deep in the Big Muddy
Our big brother across the Pacific has lost its way and needs our help, writes Ben Pobjie. Ask not what the United States can do for you...
Americans are funny people. Bill Cosby, for example. But there is also a sinister side to their amusing nature. Adam Sandler, for example.But the complexities of the USA go beyond simple comedy. The United States of America is what is called a "great experiment", one that has been running for more than 200 years, an attempt to see whether well intentioned men and to some extent women can create a successful and prosperous society based upon democracy, freedom and the rule of law.
So that's pretty funny too. But no matter what opinions we may have of the States, one thing that cannot be denied is that the country has an enormous impact on us all, and so we should all be concerned that this mighty behemoth seems to be losing its way.
Where did it all go wrong? How did we get here? What happened to the America I once knew, the America that stood at the apex of human history, ever-ready to promulgate justice, defend the weak, and keep out Mexicans?
America used to be the country you went to for help. If you had a problem - lack of sitcoms, insufficient quarter pounders, aggressive Germans - all you had to do was call up the Americans. "Hi Americans!" you'd say. "Please help me!" And in due course, the Americans, once they'd been paid or had developed a compelling self-interest regarding the issue, would gallantly come to your aid. In many ways America, the country, was similar to its greatest creation, Batman, and all we residents of the global Gotham were grateful for it.
Yet now, it seems that it is America itself that needs help. The whole country has turned out to be very like that favourite uncle who as a child you looked up to and idolised, but who once you grew up turned out to be an alcoholic paedophile. Not that I am necessarily equating America with an alcoholic paedophile, but if I was, I think people would be quite struck by the similarity. Not that I am.
What brings such a mighty empire so low? A quick scan of history demonstrates that most empires are ended by a lethal mixture of volcanoes and sodomy, but while these are certainly still concerns, the decline of the US is down to something far more complicated and boring: the economy.
Now America used to have a wonderful economy, based on solid, tangible commodities like corn and cars and Negroes. It was a beacon to the world, and lazy, weaselly little countries like France and Tonga could only look on in envy as their own economies struggled and atrophied in line with their own deficient national characters.
But that was then, and this is sometime later. The tragic slump of the US economy probably began with the ascent of Bill Clinton, who at the 1992 election famously declared "The economy is stupid" and swept to power on the back of an electorate that was all too ready to abandon the fiscal responsibility and disciplined arms trading of the Reagan era for the feel-good, anything-goes debauchery of the Clinton years, when everyone was encouraged to insert whatever object they liked into any passing stranger and economics became, contrary to tradition, all about money. Reagan's sober trickle became Clinton's uncontrolled spurt, and none of us recognised what the consequences would be.
The trouble was that the economy stopped being based upon making things, or digging things up, or growing things, or stealing things, and started to be based on things like "financial products", which are a lot like normal products except they don't, technically, exist.
And so it proceeded, with an economy based on people borrowing money from other people who had borrowed it from other people, until eventually it was discovered that nobody actually had any money, and America's economy turned out to actually only be a theoretical construct designed for use as a thought experiment in college economics classes. Economists everywhere were horrified to find that people had actually been trying to use it. In fact, America hadn't had an economy since the early 1700s, when it was mainly based on beaver-fur and witch-stakes. Significantly, a return to these industries is a major plank of Senator John McCain's election campaign.
To be fair, of course, the entire world is suffering economic problems, and it is by no means confined to the States. We non-Americans do have a tendency to blame all the world's ills on America, based on little more than the fact that they're all America's fault.
So what do we see now as we look across the Pacific with our high-powered metaphorical telescopes?
We see a proud nation in despair and disarray. We see a proud people faced with an unpalatable choice. What America desperately needs is strong leadership, but they must vote either for Barack Obama, a man with little experience and a suspiciously "articulate" way of speaking; or for McCain, a man with vast experience but who is, with the best will in the world, clinically dead. Go for McCain, and you're running a real risk of handing the presidency at some point to Sarah Palin, whose only discernible talent is the ability to induce violent stomach cramps in anyone who sees her wink. On the other hand, Obama is, it has become clear, a terrorist. Which doesn't necessarily make him the worse choice, but it does give one pause.
It's a disturbing development. Presidential elections used to be contests between giants, struggles between statesmen. Moral and political titans like Bob Dole and Adlai Stevenson. And yet today the battle for the highest office on earth is reduced to petty squabbling about irrelevancies like pigs and moose and Iraq. Meanwhile incumbent President George Bush is currently roaming the streets of Washington in his underwear, throwing blank cheques at everyone he meets. It's a tragic development.
But what can we do about it? Should we just leave America to its fate, content to carry on our own carefree uranium-intensive existence? Is that the Australian way, to treat our beloved ally like a common asylum seeker? Surely not.
Are we going to stand idly by while America, our friend and protector, is usurped as global superpower by some jumped up little snot like China or Russia or Norway? That doesn't sound good. That doesn't even sound plausible.
No, we have to lend our hand. Roll up our sleeves and show some of that good old Aussie "can-do" spirit. Let's get over there and haul our pals out of the hole they find themselves in. Whatever it takes - sending money to investment banks, culling the homeless, declaring war on Iran - let's get behind Uncle Sam and give him a big push off the sidewalk of insolvency and into the path of the semi-trailer of recovery.
Because Batman might be an alcoholic paedophile, but he's our alcoholic paedophile, and he always will be.
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Agreed Ben, shoulders and noses to the grindstone. I think you have unaccountably overlooked the best way we could help. We have a couple of second hand former Liberal Party leaders/deputies, one a little worn but perfectly serviceable, one scarcely used, and both absolutely familiar with the US. In fact not just familiar, but fully trained in culture wars, neo conservative economics, electoral tactics, and militarism. I speak of course, of Howard and Costello. It can’t be that hard for Howard to switch from Cricket to Baseball, surely? The Americans would be happy to scrap their silly undemocratic election and just appoint a couple of Austrians wouldn’t they?
We would miss them, of course, but we think they ought to go.
David Horton
which Austrians, David? Jorg Haider or any of the other happy little rightwingers? or will JH & PC do?
sakaja
JH and PC would do, the latter with plenty of vice-presidential experience which he would be happy to continue. The Americans are grateful for the Austrian troops in Iraq, and will remember with warmth any friend of George Bush’s.
I thought Jorg Haider was an Australian.
David Horton
Ben, Please forgive me for that typo! Marni
australian? Austrian? what the heck - we’re all in the mire at the moment. whose boots will get muddiest (while the poor execs use their bonus hovercrafts)? or should we expect calls for shiny jackboots to sort out the decadent capitalist rush to print more money?
as a US friend just emailed me:
‘we spent money like water, gave out ninja money to people with poor or no credit, believed in fairytale funds/assets, and in the meantime the big execs really cashed in —- we have a saying here, “we’ve been screwed and not even kissed”!!’
no bets on whether execs get to the bailout trough first!
let’s see how E pluribus unum stands up now?
sakaja
PS good cartoon!
sakaja
Harry Morton A handful of Stanley knives which gave the excuse to invade Iraq (which George W knew had oil but had to be shown on a map) kick started this mildewed country which still thought that John Wayne’s wartime films were true. Reagan even quoted from them ‘Where do we get such men’ and mis-thought it was original.
I think you’ll find that there is at least one Austrian gunning for the White House…
Arnie’s a good bet - California’s probably been in the mire under his administration for longer than the rest of the US
sakaja
Gloating at the death of another human being, and then baiting the gloat with anti-semitic comments, is the sort of base mindless vulgarity you would expect to find on filthy white supremist websites, but they do not belong here on NM.
Perhaps it really is time to consider greater involvement of a moderator despite the general sentiments against censorship.
Sakaja I agree that California is a mess but to be fair to Arny, it wasn’t in great shape when he stepped in.
v true, Banville! i must be getting a bit jaded!
what u mean, ShockDoc? are we having the same conversation?
sakaja
I’m not sure what shockdoc is referring to.
Possibly NM has pulled someone’s comment.
It does happen at times. In any case, America has blurred reality with Hollywood for some time now.
Since the advent of the "teen ager", the economy has become skewed towards, "girls just want to have beaver fur," or maybe guys just want their boxers up around their necks, and shorts around their knees.Whatever, they are a consumer force to be reckoned with.
The pop, rap, hip hop, trillion dollar industry, mixed with drugs, vice, black market, trillion dollar industry has created the black hole we nostalgically call the economy.
Sure we don’t get a gold brick for every $100000 bank note, or even a house for a few gold bricks.
But there are shares, options, bonds, futures, warrants, and any range of paper contracts available. If your lucky you might even get a promissory note. Don’t spend it all at once.
So good people, we now have a war on the economy, following a failed war on terror, war on drugs and a war on poverty.
The Chasers’ war on everything was at least funny, funnier than Bill Cosby and Adam Sandler. Ha Ha
Comrades don’t get your hopes up just yet, I’m sure the Kevin and Wayne show is not about to let the proletariat into Kirribilli or the Lodge just yet, anyway.
Oli
Revilo and Sakaja, NM has pulled someone’s comment - thanks NM.
Why do I feel so guilty?
shockdoc
maybe it’s the zeitgeist, or maybe u r responsible for the economic crisis?
sakaja