satire
18 Sep 2008
Too Hot to Handle?
Have the Libs made a terrible mistake? Could Turnbull's brilliant mind and advanced social skills prove too much for this young, easily over-stimulated country?
And so the great wheel turns once more. In the most unexpected political development since Mark Latham went insane, Malcolm Turnbull has succeeded Brendan Nelson as Opposition Leader.Where did Brendan Nelson go wrong? It's a difficult question to answer, if your time is precious. Some might say his leadership was doomed from the day he took the position, while others might say it was doomed from the day he was born. You can blame the man's downfall on his personality, his judgment, his face, his haircut, his startling lack of ability, but in the end, as always, it comes down to policies. His policy of cutting the fuel excise caused some controversy, but it was probably his policy of maniacally brandishing grocery items during Question Time that proved the final straw.
The end came suddenly. One minute we were all wondering why the hell Nelson hadn't gone yet, and the next minute he was gone. In a bold move, he called a leadership spill in an attempt to shore up his support within the party, in much the same way as a man might shoot himself in the head in an attempt to shore up his skull. And so we find ourselves with Turnbull. Who, then, is this man, whose ability to effectively oppose the government we are now all counting upon to safeguard our democracy?
In many ways, Turnbull is a new leader for a new age. Middle-aged, white and rich, he stands for a new breed of Liberalism; a breed that says, "we're here, we're now, and we're extremely similar to the old breed of Liberalism". And it's that kind of forward-thinking traditionalism that could well see Australian politics enter a thrilling new era of unprecedented sameness.
And yet, the nagging tick in the spinal cord of the political landscape remains the issue of Turnbull's wealth, to the extent that the public discourse has in recent days been dominated by our elected leaders hurling savage and hurtful accusations of prosperity at each other. Turnbull has pointed out that he, too, has lived on Struggle Street; that he too has known the humiliating sting of a threadbare stock portfolio; and that he, like Rudd, was also abandoned by a parent.
In Turnbull's case it was his mother, leaving open the intriguing possibility of Turnbull's abandoned father and Rudd's widowed mother striking up a romantic relationship, thus turning federal politics into a zany sitcom of immeasurable wonderfulness. If you can imagine Turnbull and Rudd being forced to share a tent on the family camping holiday, you can imagine the hilarious shenanigans that, God-willing, await us all.
There is no doubt that Australians historically prefer their prime ministers to have emerged from humble or even impoverished backgrounds. Look at Ben Chifley the train driver; James Scullin the grocer; Robert Menzies the meth addict. We regard wealth and privilege and power with suspicion, and this larrikin sense of irrational bigotry has served us well through all these years. So will it prove an insurmountable handicap for Turnbull?
Turnbull is, let's make no bones about it, extremely rich, and therefore, undeniably evil. But just how evil is he? Is he more evil, for example, than Kevin Rudd, who also has a considerable fortune and, sinisterly, speaks Chinese?
Rudd has the advantage, of course, that most of his money is really his wife's, which makes him one step removed from the evil, although it also makes him a little bit of a sissy. But it should be remembered just how his wife made her money - by running an employment agency, which means that the Rudds have made their money from forcing decent, honourable people to sit on uncomfortable plastic chairs for hours at a time pretending to display an interest in the intricacies of letter-writing while suppressing burgeoning arson fantasies. So while Rudd may be one step removed, at least half of that step is eaten back up by the sheer immorality of Therese Rein's business doings.
On the other hand, Turnbull himself made much of his fortune as an investment banker, a profession favoured by men who find Nazism too idealistic. Given the current climate of economic meltdown caused by the recklessness of men like Turnbull, it is possible that the Australian public will not look kindly upon an investment banker in a position of power, in the same way that September 11, 2001, sparked an electoral backlash against devout Muslim Kim Beazley.
However, for all his financial faults, Turnbull has his saving graces. He is intelligent, and charming, and puts one in mind of a large friendly panda, which is a vast improvement on the demented-Thunderbird look of Nelson, which tended to play well only with that section of the electorate that enjoys frightening children.
But this only raises further questions: is Australia ready for an intelligent, charming Prime Minister? We are a young, easily over-stimulated nation, and it may be that Turnbull's brilliant mind and advanced social skills would prove just too much to handle. Might it not be better to stick with what we know: the gormless and awkward? Might the Liberals have made a terrible miscalculation here? Maybe they should have made Wilson Tuckey leader. Sometimes violence is the only language voters understand.
Whatever the answer to these fascinating and well written questions, one thing all experts agree on is that Turnbull's ascent has turned federal politics into a genuine contest again. People are excited about the prospect of a Turnbull-Rudd tussle, the tantalising clash of two almost identical ideologies; the idea of a Prime Minister who isn't afraid to revel in his success and flaunt his wealth and occasionally hunt the unemployed for sport. And who knows, such a wild, crazy idea may eventually come to fruition. Perhaps Malcolm Turnbull will gain the ultimate power. Perhaps voters really are prepared to risk the mental stability of a man who would name his daughter "Daisy".
Or perhaps not. Perhaps the pressure of the job will drive Turnbull, as it did Nelson, into a terrifying vortex of despair and irretrievable madness. Perhaps he will fall and clear the way, finally, for the rise of Peter Costello, who as we now know from his stunning memoirs, has literally millions of superb ideas to improve Australia, and whose selfless quest to lead the country to greatness has thus far been thwarted only by the fact he never actually tried to do it.
Or perhaps a third way, perhaps a hitherto unheralded white knight shall emerge to lead the Liberals out of the wilderness. Will it be Tony Abbott who will finally fulfil his destiny as the electorate becomes more comfortable with the idea of a PM who enters their houses at night to steal their babies? Or will it be one of the myriad bright, talented Liberal politicians whose names for the moment escape me?
Whatever happens, the emergence of Turnbull signals the start of a truly captivating ride.
Do your best to stay awake.
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What a satisfying read that was. Forward-thinking traditionalism - heh heh.
I’d say Brendan Nelson and Kevin Rudd both share the same lack of personality.
Gold gold gold. Loved this.
I agree with Rockjaw. How dare you!
Too funny. Why haven’t more political writers mentioned the "terrifying vortex of despair and irretrievable madness" that has opened up in Canberra? I, for one, look forward to the day Turnbull is sucked screaming, limbs flailing, into its ungodly nucleus.
Well done Ben. Truth embedded in vivid images. I’ve been trying to describe Brendan Nelson’s persona. Your ‘demented Thunderbird’ absolutely nails it. Thanks.
I hear that Cthulhu was the favourite for the Liberal leadership, but R’lyeh isn’t recognised as part of the Australia federal system. It’s not a real problem, though, as Turnbull’s mother was probably a Deep One.
- Got Elf?
Harry Rudd has kids and lives in his old house. Turnbull has two mansions and a dog. Rudd cleaned houses to work his way through universities Turnbull swanned to university paid by his father
Terrific job Mr Pobjie.
peterbest, you really are. Post of the week.
I was almost about to write something about how I wished journalists and letter writers would "play the ball, not the man" as my father used to say. Then I kept reading, and I think that is exactly what this article is arguing.
Not to mention some great laffs.
great work.
I agree with Dr Dog.
It was emotive stuff, complete with Opposition Leader Brendan Nelson brandishing a can of baked beans and a jar of jam.
”That is the reality for Australian pensioners: baked beans and jam sandwiches,” he thundered.
/quote
Don’t think I’ve ever tried that combination. Sounds quite revolting.
Daisy is another excellent name for a Clydesdale horse
You know, something weird happened last night. I saw Nelson calling a spill amd I thought wow, Turnbull has only been there like two seconds and already they’re having another tussle… then I saw WA Labor people talking about who would be the leader of their party and I thought, woah! Have they got rid of Ripper THAT quick?!
Then my husband pointed out the programme we were watching was recorded from the other day
God life is stressful!
Fantastic article Ben. Many, many thanks.(thus making me in agreement with Dr Dog and Rowena). Tomorrow I’m going to get a new Visa for Argentina-because the minute that revolting little Jesuit, Tony Abbott (probable member of Opus Dei) gets the top job-is the minute I am going to go and live there!
For anyone interested in the name Daisy (surely he didn’t name the kid Daisy? Well that’s one Daisey that no one will be taking to a ball. And, I was brought up to believe that Daisy was a name given to cows.
Harry, I can’t imagine how having a dog could be a bad thing. If you like I will meet up with him in a park and ask him to bite Malcolm on the arse.
I think you can relax Venise, Abbott will never be the leader of the opposition, and certainly never Prime Minister. To borrow an image from my world, its nice to have a dog in the back of the ute but you wouldn’t let him drive.
Abbott needs to follow. If he suddenly had the leadership he would freak out. Within a week he would be curled up on the floor of his office in the fecal position.
Harry Rudd worked his way through university by cleaning houses. Rudd and his wife lived in Brisbane with the kids until security said it was too difficult to protect and had him shift to Canberra. Turnbull l swanned though an elite Grammar School and university paid for by his father. He owns two shore side mansions and has a wife and a dog. He understands the battle from his own experience.
Very true, Dr Dog. But does the dog know that?
The man is obsessed with publicity and obsessed by Catholicism. Very dangerous stuff. Venise
And no one wants to see Tony Abbott in the fecal position.
"He was a merchant banker now hes the merchant of venice" And he is complaining about Rudd going overseas. Australians need to see through this phoney.
Without sounding like an old fart, Ben you are probably too young to remember who Malcolm Turnbull is. I have watched in anticipation of hopefully seeing this man at the helm of Australian Politics for the past 20 years. While he has long denied any political asperations, he has nevertheless kept himself abreast of and educated in the events of this country both economically and socially. I believe that he will add to and not detract from Australias political landscape. I am pretty sure I would rather have a successful Merchant Banker in control of the purse strings than a labor asperant who lives off the capital leanings of his wife.
No, I think I remember who Malcolm Turnbull is. I drew on my knowledge of who he is to write this article, in fact. It’s true I often write about people whose identities are completely unknown to me, but in this case I happened to see a photo of Malcolm Turnbull and thought, Hey, he looks familiar.
How is your son Malcolm, Marlene?
Marlene, are you suggesting Turnbull AND Rudd both have aspergers? Did you mean, 'Ben, you are probably too young to remember who Malcolm Turnbull is in my mind'?
I agree he will add to Australia's political landscape. He has an enormous head.
rofl….so funny Ben. and Rachelc…rofl.lmao…I am not Malcolms Mum, I am a woman who has had an eye on the political landscape over the years with an strong opinion on who I believe, should be running the show
oh! and before you rush to correct me rachel, my ‘an’ was a typo
You’ve had your eye on the political landscape and you still want a merchant banker running the show?
Ben Pobjie: I was passing this way on the 1st Oct ‘08 and noticed again your prescient question on 24th Sept….."and you still want a merchant banker running the show?" Look what has happened now thanks to the unmitigated greed of the American merchant bankers and venture capitalists-sodden with the blood of the suckers who inhabit the bottom of the financial market. Hell! I’ll bet Turnbull shorted the market, thus making him another billion. And he isn’t even satisfied with all that money. Why should the voters grant him the power he wants so desperately? I don’t want a citizen Kane holding Australia’s future.